Monday, May 02, 2005

Thoughts on Chemo

I have been going through chemotherapy for a liver tumor. This is the third time in 3 years but I am told this time it will "really" work. How can the doctors be so sure? They were positive last time was THE last time, so I am not so sure I believe them anymore. I am sitting here in the clinic. It is much like a cozy den with television and radio. Not just any kind of radio mind you, but Sirius Satellite. lol They also just installed wireless internet too, so I am taking advantage of that today. I have to say it isn't so bad while you are here...it is afterwards that you suffer. I won't even go into details about that just know that it sucks!!

How did I get such a dreadful disease? A FUCKING TATTOO!! I wanted to get a tattoo for my 33rd birthday. Apparently the place I went to sucked and I got Hepatitis. Well my Hepatitis was cured, but I got diagnosed with a tumor for my 34th birthday. So thus began the first round of chemo. It isn't cancer but anything on your liver can be deadly.

I think about my lovely daughter, who is growing up so quickly. What if something happens to me? I am not very close to my parents, although since I have been sick, they have been trying to be supportive. But I could not leave my daughter in their care. I had such a miserable childhood, I don't want them to "undo" what little good I have done with her. It is such a scary thought...not me dying persay, but me dying and leaving behind my baby with no one. NO ONE can be her mother like I can! So that is what makes me frightened. There are days that I feel like I just can't continue anymore putting this bullshit in my body, but I look at her and know I have to keep fighting.

So I keep fighting the nausea, the hair loss, the weight gain (yes I have GAINED weight not lost) knowing that I have someone who loves and needs me no matter what!

Abrazos y beso mi Nena!

1 comment:

The Grouchy One said...

Kim
Your not-so-litle anymore daughter IS growing up so fast! **sigh** (LOL. Does that mean I am getting old??)

You are teaching her the one of the greatest lessons of all; she sees you get up each day and face your challenges with strength and an undying courage. Those are the actions that go beyond the verbal "I love you" and show her your love.

Goooooooo Kim! LOL. (See, what would you do without my annoying cheers??)

Abrazos y un HUGE flan,
Sucia Muneca MARISSA
J/K! LOL