Thoughts on Chemo

I have been going through chemotherapy for a liver tumor. This is the third time in 3 years but I am told this time it will "really" work. How can the doctors be so sure? They were positive last time was THE last time, so I am not so sure I believe them anymore. I am sitting here in the clinic. It is much like a cozy den with television and radio. Not just any kind of radio mind you, but Sirius Satellite. lol They also just installed wireless internet too, so I am taking advantage of that today. I have to say it isn't so bad while you are here...it is afterwards that you suffer. I won't even go into details about that just know that it sucks!!

How did I get such a dreadful disease? A FUCKING TATTOO!! I wanted to get a tattoo for my 33rd birthday. Apparently the place I went to sucked and I got Hepatitis. Well my Hepatitis was cured, but I got diagnosed with a tumor for my 34th birthday. So thus began the first round of chemo. It isn't cancer but anything on your liver can be deadly.

I think about my lovely daughter, who is growing up so quickly. What if something happens to me? I am not very close to my parents, although since I have been sick, they have been trying to be supportive. But I could not leave my daughter in their care. I had such a miserable childhood, I don't want them to "undo" what little good I have done with her. It is such a scary thought...not me dying persay, but me dying and leaving behind my baby with no one. NO ONE can be her mother like I can! So that is what makes me frightened. There are days that I feel like I just can't continue anymore putting this bullshit in my body, but I look at her and know I have to keep fighting.

So I keep fighting the nausea, the hair loss, the weight gain (yes I have GAINED weight not lost) knowing that I have someone who loves and needs me no matter what!

Abrazos y beso mi Nena!