Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Random day

I was talking to my significant other today and I realized this man REALLY, REALLY LOVES me! I knew he loved me but didn't know he LOVED me for me. He said something to me today that just floored me. He said that he would die for me and that I was a part of him, a part of his soul. Just out of the blue like that he says it. We were talking about something totally unrelated. Not that I would want him to die for me, but just the thought that someone has such strong feelings for me really took me aback. We have been going back in forth in our relationship for a long time. Together, apart, together, apart...and so it goes.

He cheated on me with the biggest skank ever and I have had a really hard time forgiving him. I believe I have forgiven him, but it is the forgetting part that I have been having problems with. He has apologized in every way he could think of, but I couldn't get past it for a long time. I know it was because of my body image issues and she was BEAUTIFUL on the outside but disgusting on the inside. But I felt so wronged by it all that I had to bury my feelings, in order to get past the pain. He always tells me that I am unemotional, but what he doesn't realize is that I am emotional, but I have to bury the emotions or I will be truly out of control.

I started working on my weight and improving how I felt about myself and he didn't like that. He felt I was getting "sexy" (and believe me I am no where near sexy now) for someone else. Who the hell else was there but him?! I couldn't convince him of that, so we were apart again. But even when we were apart, we always talked; maybe not everyday, but at least twice a week. So we are always drawn together.

A few months ago we decided we were too old to deal with the BS any longer, either we were together or we would cut it off completely. Around the time we had this conversation, I started having heart and blood pressure problems, and wonders of wonders he did too. I mean literally when my heart would be racing, he would call me and says his was about to come out of his chest. I mean is that a coincidence, kismit or what? Everytime I had a spike in my blood pressure, he did too, at the same time. We took that as a sign that we were supposed to be together, destined for each other. It was really strange that once we spoke to each other or saw each other, our hearts would calm down and go back to normal. We are totally in sync.

So in July 2009, I am packing it up and moving to Miami to be with my heart! Maybe between the two of us we can get our hearts on the same beat! :)

Tuesday, February 03, 2009


For the past few months I have been in a really bad place, mentally and physically. Before I lost 160 pounds, I was fairly healthy. It seems like since I have lost all the weight, I have been falling apart. So when I fall apart the thing I turn to is music.

I love all kinds of music. I can truly say I have eclectic taste in music. I am just amazed at how different songs can cause different emotions within me. I was listening to my iPod and Sade "Stronger than Pride" came on; it caused me to think about past loves and how I lowered my pride and my standards time after time because of my man at the time. Then "Reminisce" by Pete Rock came on and I thought about when I spent a summer in NYC (Brooklyn) with my grandmother's sister. That was fun and scary for a chick from Texas. Next was Dido with "Thank You" and it reminded me of the good parts of love. Your man meeting you at the door with a drink or comforting words after a rough day. Nothing better than that. Those feelings you have when everything is good with you and your partner. Linkin Park's "In the End", that song just screams out that no matter how hard you try, it sometimes means nothing to anyone. Taylor Swift's "Love Song" reminds me of my first love, talking on the phone all night,and first kisses. That sweet first love. Ne-Yo's "Miss Independent"...that is my theme song. I am independent, maybe too much so. Reggaeton just makes me want to dance. It reminds me of when I was a kid dancing around with my grandparents. Being carefree and happy! Moving with the beat or allowing the beat to move me. Of course, anything from the 80's is on my playlist.

Music has helped me and continues to help me with what seems to be a constant struggle that is my life. Music has saved my life so many times and it continues to strengthen me. So to all the musicians and songwriters out there...Thanks!!