Halloween

To say I like Halloween is an understatement of sorts. A lot of my friends don't participate in Halloween activities because of the thought that it is celebrating evil. In Catholic Doctrine, Halloween came about as all Hallow's eve(All Soul's Day), which is a MAJOR holy day and precursor to All Saints Day (Nov 1). On All Soul's Day, you pray for the dead and their souls, so if they are in Purgatory (the space between heaven and hell), they will go to heaven because of our prayers and pentence for them.

So all Soul's Day is a day of prayer and repentance for Catholics. According to my catechism classes, you dress up as the person who died to celebrate their lives and pray for them. Of course, American's had to commercialize it and make it into a day of making money instead of what it really is, a day of prayer for your dearly departed. I buy into the part of the commercialization by dressing up in costumes and passing out candy, well eating the candy I am supposed to be passing out. I love seeing the kids dressed up in their costumes and parading about the neighborhood asking for treats. It provides an opportunity to pretend to be something fun for the day.

This me having fun in my costume

This year Halloween took on a new meaning for me. I prayed for by abuela who passed away and prayed that she will help me to not grieve so much for her, to not miss her so much. It hasn't worked yet, but I am hoping it will soon.

Who am I?

I swiped this from my girl, Reese, who swipped it from her girl Dez.

You Are Most Like Miranda! While you've had your fair share of romance, men don't come first Guys are a distant third to your friends and career. And this independence *is* attractive to some men, in measured doses. Remember that if you imagine the best outcome, it might just happen. Romantic prediction: Someone from your past is waiting to reconnect... But you'll have to think of him differently, if you want things to work. Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You Most Like? Take This Quiz Right Now! Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. I thought I was Samantha, but I guess not.

Grief

Over the past few days I have experienced a grief that words cannot describe. My wonderful abuela died on October 13th. I feel like a piece of me has been ripped from my body and lays bleeding on the ground. I have never known such sorrow, such anguish. One minute she is there, the next she isn't. I don't know...I just feel like there are times I can't stand being in my own skin because I miss her so much. I feel such anger that other people have their grandparents there but mine is gone. It sounds so ridiculous as I write this, but it is the way I feel.

People have been calling me to tell me how sorry they are for my loss and I truly appreciate that. But, I feel like a wound that has the scab torn off with each word they say. They talk about their memories of her and what a great person she was...past tense...was...and I feel like screaming, "Please, you are killing me with each word!" It all sounds so selfish and petty. This has all felt like a dream, really a nightmare. I keep expecting to hear her voice calling out to me to bring her a pop. Or she and my daughter screaming at each other. It used to drive me crazy, man do I want to hear that now.

My abuela was a wonderful person. Of course not without her faults, but who of us don't have faults. But overall, she was a very caring, loving, and generous person. I will miss her overwhelmingly so, with EVERY fiber of my being.

Nana I love you and will cherish your memory throughout my life!

What Personality am I?

I got this from my chica Karla

Kim took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Defiantly opposes any sort of restriction or oppos..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Office Space Character

I got this quiz from my girl Reese.

You are "the Bobs".

You are basically in a position of power. With the
ability to fire people at will, you can make
them do almost anything you want. Like forcing
someone to lie about their true feelings for
adult contemporary artists.


Which Office Space Character Are You?
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My Grandmother

When I wrote my previous posts about grandmothers it was prior to my grandmother becoming ill. How ironic is that? For the past 5 days my abuela has been fighting for her life. She has been in and out of the hospital for the past 3 months. She goes in and she comes back out. This week has been different. I have come to the shocking realization that she is not going to live forever. In the back of my mind I thought she would be with me always. I don't think she is coming out of the hospital this time. As much as I want her to, I don't think she is. She has Congestive Heart Failure, Ephysema, and now they have found tumors in her abdomen.

She has been with me for all the majors in my life. First communion, first dance, first cotillion, wedding day, birth of my baby....every first she has been there. She taught me how to ride my bicycle. My parents didn't have time. When I sent the summer in New Orleans she told them to bring my bike. They did and she taught me how to ride it. She didn't get on the side and run like most of my friends' parents did. She talked me through it. She said, " Okay mi amor, you are going to get on the bike, balance it and then pedel as fast as you can." Why is it I can remember that like it happened yesterday. She is always the one that "talks me through things." Sometimes I take her advice and sometimes I didn't. It was the times I didn't that I wished I had. We yell and scream at each other and say mean things to each other but we LOVE each other just as passionately. She was always the one I could turn to in my times of need. She showed me how strong I could be but at the same time supported me in anyway she could.

What am I going to do when she is not there anymore? It so strange to try to think about her not being there. I stood in my shower, sobbing because it hit me that she is going to die. I feel like a piece of me is dying with her. I haven't been dealing with this very well. My own illness is playing a part in why I am not handling this so well.

I have been trying to find a way to say goodbye to her, but I don't think I can. I don't think I ever will. I know I have to think with my head not not my heart, but how do you turn your heart off when you are dealing with someone you love? I have decide to just enjoy everyday I can with her and be happy with the 38 years I have had her in my life. But, I am lonely for her already.

Greg Louganis

When I was a wee girl, I watched the 1976 Olympics. This was a significant year because it was the bicentennial of our country and the year Greg Louganis won the USA's first gold medal in diving. That was the year I had my first crush. I wanted to marry Greg. He was the MAN for me. He was so beautiful. He had the body of a Greek god. The washboard stomach, the muscles the full package. He was the diver I ever seen that wasn't Russian or Chinese. I knew I wanted him.

I know he is gay, but the 9 year old in me doesn't care. He still is poetry in motion on the diving board.