Christmas 2007

It's Christmas again! I always dread Christmas rolling around each year but once it is here, I am happy. I become excited watching my loved ones open their gifts and looking to see what they have received. But I have to say, each year I am disappointed in the gifts I receive. I know this sounds ungrateful...but do these people even KNOW me at all?! Since when do I wear purple boots?! Did I move to Denver and not know it?! They aren't even Uggs! I mean I have known them for like 40 years, but my parents still get me crazy shit! Every year I tell my mom and dad, "gift cards are much appreciated!" But every year, they don't take my advice. Oh well, another Christmas over! Merry Christmas!

Is it Christmas time already??!!!

Okay...is it Christmas ALREADY?! Is the year almost up already?! Where did the time go? My daughter started bugging me about putting up decorations back in the beginning of November. I was sooo not ready. So I postponed it as long as possible. I think my procrastination came from not wanting to believe that another year has gotten away from me. What have I accomplished this year? What have I done to significantly change my life this year? The end of the year has always been a time of reflection for me, but not always in a good way. I am determined to think of something positive for this year. Okay Thinking....Thinking...Thinking...okay nothing! OH WAIT!!! I bought my first house this year. Okay well I may lose it next year due to unemployment, but at least I got it.



Here are some pictures of how we decorated the house for the holidays:






Still no Christmas tree up yet but it is coming. Uggh, just the thought of pulling all the stuff out of the garage...oh well...whatever it takes to make my daughter happy. The Holiday season has become so commercial these days. I heard on the radio that Madonna and Guy Ritchie did not celebrate Christmas anymore...not just because of Kibbala, but for other reasons. But hell they are cabillionaires, so they have Christmas everyday. It is especially stressing when you don't have money. So I have taken to making gifts for my friends and family. I will post those pictures after the holidays. I don't want everyone to see what I made for them for Christmas. lol I am trying to prepare my daughter for a sparse Christmas this year. I have always been able to buy her what she wanted for Christmas, even at my poorest periods of my life. This year I am having a difficult time. I am trying to tell her, "Hey you have a nice house to live in so this is part of your Christmas!" She just looks at me like I am crazy! Yes it is my fault; I have overindulged and over compensated because she doesn't have a father. Now I am and she is suffering for my bad parenting.



Well, here is wishing everyone a Happy Holiday season!!

Old Navy

There was an Old Navy commercial that used to come on advertising sweaters in Sept/Oct. I fell in LOVE with the song that was playing. I looked every where for that song. Finally one night I couldn't sleep and turned on the TV to VH1. THERE IT WAS!! My song!! I finally found out who sings it and the title! So the song is called "The Way I am" by Ingrid Michaelson. I so love this song. It reminds me of love long gone, but also, of some sweet memories of that love. So enjoy my favorite song for the year!

Amazing!

I have recently turned 40. I have been rethinking my life and life choices. I hear Oprah and other touchy feely people talk about "coming into yourself" when you turn 40 or 50, whatever. I listened to that and thought yeah right...who the hell are you fooling? But I have been officially 40, 3 months and 29 days, but I think with a clarity and a calmness I never have before. Is there some truth to the BS they have been spouting.

Okay so in my moments of clarity, I have thought about all the crap I have been through in my 40 years...particularly the last 17 years. So two things I have realized: 1) Life sucks on all levels - and no I am not sad about it...it is what it is; and 2) People suck!! I thought nothing would surprise me anymore but on a daily basis something happens that brings the reality back to me. I used to think I was pessimistic, but no, in my moments of clarity, I realized it isn't always me, it is circumstances and the people involved in them.

I want to be happy and I want the people around me to be happy. Treat each other with respect. You don't have to love me or even like me, but freaking respect me as a human being on this planet. I have been vendictive, revengeful, and generally hateful in my 20s and part of my 30s, but somewhere around 33, I realized those actions were holding me back from feeling peace in my soul. Those things were hindering my growth as a human. Everyone is out for themselves, F everyone else. You are in my way and you need to move now or get run over. That is the common philosophy these days. People hurt, lie, cheat, steal from each other to get whatever they want, what is going to make them happy. But in reality, you get everything the wrong way and it makes you feel empty inside. Nothing will ever make you happy. You will always be questing for the next best thing, job, lover, whatever. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

I am usually not so pessimistic about things but in all honesty, as I go into another year, age wise and new year, I have resolved to continue to be a nice person, continue to love and respect others, and not damage the ones I don't care for, and live my life the best way I can. Oprah and Deepak you may be on to something and I am getting on board.

UNEMPLOYMENT!!

Okay...I have been unemployed for the last 12 weeks. I have interviewed and interviewed and interviewed some more. I am so sick of going in and interviewing for the job and not getting it. I get phone calls from the person I have interviewed with saying, "You are great and I/We were really impressed with you but...! That is if they even bother to call me. But, why do you have to tell me that? If I was so great, why didn't you hire me? Then when I ask them can you tell me what you think I could improve on, they seem to be taken aback. "Ummm I don't know" is the typical response I get. You have to know why you didn't hire me. Was it the suit I wore, was it my personality, was it that I didn't have "it" that you were looking for? Tell me something!

I am extremely frustrated right now. All I know is I have bills and a kid and I need money! I am having sleepless nights because I am worried how I am going to pay this bill or that bill. I am just sick and fucking tired of trying! I am sick of feeling inadequate and insignificant. I am just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Can this life end already?!

Phoenix, AZ

I went to Phoenix on a trip. I had never really thought of Phoenix in any context before, other than it was in the desert and it was HOT. I had gone there with my grandmother to visit one of her sisters, but I was 10 the last time I went.

So I arrive in PHX and the airport sucks. It is pretty aesthetically, but the functionality of it sucks. That didn't give me any warm fuzzies. On to the rental car place. Can I say I felt like I was on a road trip? It took 20 minutes to get to the rental depot, it that is what you call it. I mean come on, could you build one closer to the actual airport. Okay still no warm and fuzzies yet. Get rental car and go to hotel. On the way there, I was amazed at the scenery. Talk about beautiful. Oh, it was serenic (is that a word) and calming. Everywhere I went beautiful landscaping and gardens...all surrounding the cactus. Cacti as tall as trees in some places. Cacti as colorful as flowers. Everywhere I went beautiful landscapes. I kept thinking of ways I could transfer some of that beautiful landscaping to my house. I realized that such beauty in the middle of a desert was amazing. Also, conserves water. I am all about going green these days, so I am going to explore putting cacti in my landscaping.

New Obsession

As all of my friends know, I have been fighting the battle of the bulge for the past 16 years. Okay, I have been winning so far. I have lost 152 pounds since January 2006. I still have 45 more to go, but that is another post.

In an effort to not focus so much on my food obsession, I have taken up a new hobby. Well, rather an old hobby that I have taken up again. I started knitting when I was 12 years old. My catholic grade school made us take home economics for 3 years. You know the Nuns were trying to make us girls into the perfect homemakers!! lmao....Cooking, sewing, knitting, blah, blah!! We are talking the late 70's, early 80's people!! Anyway, I found that I enjoyed knitting a lot, despite trying to make the nuns think otherwise. I made so many hats for my parents, granparents and friends. Then I progressed to scarves and slippers. Everyone was tired of my gifts of knitting by the time I was 16. I am by NO MEANS a knitting great, but I can hold my own. I can do basic patterns... nothing that makes me think too much.

I found that knitting helps me forget my thoughts and cravings of and for food. I know I should be getting up and exercising, but knitting is more fun. I started watching this show on DIY networks called Knitty Gritty. I love this show. I can't make half the stuff they show on there, but I like to look at it. I have realized that my technique sucks, but it is hard to change old habits. In essence,I have become obsessed again with knitting! Now I actually forget to eat. My stomach is growling, but I don't want to stop. I just keep going and going. I love seeing the progress of my projects, which eventually turn into finished pieces to thrust off on my friends and family. I have started scavenging for easy knitting pattern, started a stash of yarn and I am ready to go!

I am currently working on a blanket for my best friend. She is always talking about she is cold in the winter. So, hopefully, she will wrap up in this blanket on a cold winter night, and know I made it just for her!! She loves the beach, so I tried to pick colors of the beach and the ocean. So when she is in 20 degree weather, she can pretend she is in Miami, at the beach. Here is a sample of what it looks like now. I am more than half way finished. I hope to be done in a few weeks. I said I was obsessed, not fast! LOL

Halfway point
Pattern up close

I would like to have this done by her birthday, which is in December. I have to have deadlines with my knitting or it goes into the UFO pile...UnFinished Objects!! It will be DONE!!! OBSESSION!!!!

Life Lessons

How do you teach life lessons to your teenager? When they are younger, it all seems very easy to do. Don't touch because it is hot/cold. Don't pull that because you will clonk yourself on the head. Don't bother that knife/scissors because they will cut you. Come let Mami make it better when you get a boo boo. That is a piece of cake compared to the teenage years. This is what I am dealing with: Finances from first job, first love, driving, trusting the wrong people. HOW THE HELL DO YOU TEACH THAT SHIT??!!! Can someone help me on this?

Here's scenario number one: Said teenager gets 1st job. Teenager has run up a $400 cell phone bill because of text messages (gets 1000 per month, but always seems to do 2000 to 3000 per month instead). So said mami takes cell phone away and says no more cell phone until bill is paid in full. So you have to give me all your paychecks until your bill is paid off. Well, teenager has balance of $200 and has decided she doesn't want to work anymore because she is TIRED!! Ummm WTF?! Why didn't someone send me the memo that we can quit when we are TIRED!! So mami reminds teenager, no money - no cell phone. So teenager thinks mami is soooo f'ing unfair (not said in those words but I know she was f'ing thinking it!!). I also reminded teenager, no driving until she is able to pay her car insurance bill and until she can make better grades. How do you teach fiscal responsibility? How do you teach someone to have a hard work ethic?

Scenario number two: Teenager is introduced to boy by teenager's BFF (not a BFF in my eyes, but I don't count). Boy is really feeling teenager. Boy takes her out on first date (disaster, but that is another post). Boy and teenager talk on phone, via IM, and go on more dates. Teenager says, " Mami, I have found my 'soulmate'!!" Ummm WAIT!! WHAT?! Okay, Mami is trying to be cool and say, "Oh really? That is great sweetie. But make sure he treats you nice and like a lady and NO SEX!!" OPPS...Did I say that?!! So, teenager goes on family vacation and was away from boy for a WHOLE week. During the week, she texts ($400 bill was the result) boy and BFF. BFF says she and boy have been "hanging out"! Teenager is okay with that because she just KNOWS boy is HERS. So get back from family vacation. Teenager finds out by accident that Boy and BFF are now dating or as they in teenager talk "going out". Why the secrecy? Why can't you just be honest about it. You are a big ho, be the best ho you can be and be honest about your ho'ing. Dayum, I sound really old. Any who, Teenager is devestated. "How could BFF do this to me. She knew I liked him. She INTRODUCED him to me! and now she decides she wants him!" How do you explain something like that? How do you explain that BFF totally violated the unspoken best friend rule...You don't mess around with your friend's current boyfriend or ex boyfriend? Is that still a rule or am I old and things have changed? I don't think it has changed because this rule has been going on for centuries. I have never understood why someone who is supposed to be a friend would want someone else's man or ex-man...why do you want my sloppy seconds? Why do you want to be the other woman or the slut that stole someone's man or decided you wanted my ex man? There are fucking limits people. But once again...How do you teach a teenager this life lesson? Her heart is breaking and Mami can't kiss the boo boo and make it better. How do you teach someone not to trust the wrong people? You don't know until the fuck you over and betray your trust. How do you teach that not everyone is your BFF... Not everyone is your friend period. The crying is killing me inside.

These are life lessons I am trying hard to teach but I don't know how successful I am. This is a teenager we are talking about. They think they know everything about everything. Part of me just wants to say forget it and let her learn on her own. But the Mami part of me says no I can't do that...I have to take control of the situation. So where is the line? When and where do I step back and when do I step in?

Okay can I have my baby back???

Work

Work...Who the hell created this concept of work?? Last Friday, I was fired from my job. I had this job for all of 5 months. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with the business world? Why do I have to be a cut throat bitch in order to succeed? I have been reassessing myself, my goals, and values in this profession. Human Resources should be about being a human being and being a resource for other human beings. But NO...it is about stepping all over people...being a BITCH all the time, fuck the little person, fuck the employees! It is all about BIG BUSINESS!!

And of course, all of this shit occurs AFTER I go out and buy a house. AFTER, I stick my neck out only to get it chopped off. Okay so now, I don't have a job. But I do have a house note, a car note, a teenager - who expects to be fed and clothed. I have got to rethink my life! Maybe I should just forget it and just go back to Nursing, although, it pains me to say it. I got so burned out on Nursing because I had to give so much of myself emotionally. Now, I am in a profession that is too impersonal, too uncaring. How do I find a balance?

Why do I need to work anyway? Why can't we just have a free economy, meaning get everything for FREE? I am tired of working anyway! I am tired of being nice when I don't feel like being nice, especially when other people are not being nice back. I am just tired. I am tired of trying so hard. I am tired of working for nothing or what seems like nothing.

Okay...enough...back to the classifieds

Music

My musical tastes have become very eclectic over the years. But I have to say I am feeling Nelly Furtado's CD. I have had it since it came out and have listened to it over and over again. I love the songs "Te Busque" and "No Hay Igual". I don't know what it is about those songs, but I LOVE them. I love the whole CD. I think Timbaland and Nelly make an awesome team. I love the song "Give it to me" from Tims CD ShockValue.
My iPod is full of different types of music, but I always seem to come back to these two CDs. If you don't have them, get them. It will be worth the money and worth the space on your iPod.

Customer Service a LOST art?!

Lately I have been getting shitty customer service every retail outlet I go to. I am not rude when I go in. I have a smile on my face. But why is it EVERYtime I go into a retail store, I get "Miss/Mister I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!" up in my face. I ask a question about a product, in my nice, calm voice, and I get "Do I look like I know everything! or I am busy right now!" Umm excuse me?! Isn't your job to help me? Did I miss the memo that says I am not supposed to ask for help when I need it??

I mean with the economy being so bad these days, you would think the workers in these stores would be more pleasant and helpful...But NOOOOO!!! They are nasty and resentful that they have to work. UMMM BE FREAKING GLAD YOU HAVE A DAMN JOB, IDIOT!!! The worst culprit stores are Sears, Staples and J C Penney. I have to add that when I go and discuss the situation with a manager, they seem just as nonchalant as their employees. AWWW so this is where they get it from. Well the exception to this was the FOINE manager at Staples. He was very apologetic about my bad service and it was genuine.

Listen people...you want my dollars, I need some good customer services. I have decided to not shop any place that my service is not up to MY standards. I can buy online or if I have to, I will pay more to go some place that treats me well.

So this is my declaration of Independence: NO MORE SHOPPING AT PLACES THAT GIVE ME BAD SERVICE!! NO MORE SPENDING MY DOLLARS AT PLACES THAT DON'T CARE THEIR EMPLOYEES SUCK!! This declaration includes Airlines, Hotels, and Restaurants. NO TIPS FOR BAD SERVICE!!

Okay I am done. Have a nice day! :)

I'm IT!! 7 Random things about me!!!

I was supposed to do this months ago for my friend Karla, but I forgot. Okay Karla I remembered!!! Here you go:

My 7 random facts:
1. I don't like to be around tall objects, i.e., buildings, statues etc. I am basically afraid of them.
2. I wanted to be a doctor, but didn't want to go to school that long or not get sleep, so I changed to Nursing. Yes I am lazy and need my rest!! Turns out with all my degrees I have, it was the same amount of time as medical school. But I got to sleep!
3. I used to model for Ebony Fashion Fair from ages 3-7, when we lived in Chicago. I used to be in Ebony and the Chicago newspapers all the time.
4. When I was younger I wanted to be an Olympic gymnast and I wanted Bela Koroli to be my coach.
5. I curse like a sailor and I used to get my mouth washed out with soap all the time, but it never worked.
6. I wanted to be a nun when I grew up. But I discovered boys when I got to high school.
7. I like to collect cookbooks but I rarely use the recipes in them. I make up my own. lol

Okay Karla! I did it!!
Besos!!

40 and on vacation

Okay...I have become obsessed with being 40. In all honesty, I didn't think I would live to see 40. I have been through so much in the last few years; making it to 40 seemed like an impossibility. I decided to treat myself to a vacation for my birthday. I didn't get to go to the exact place I wanted to go, but it was a great vacation nonetheless. To me, any vacation by the ocean is a treat. I live in landlocked North Texas, so I just see weeds all the time.

Went to Miami and did a few things I had never done before. Took a cruise around the Ft Lauderdale causeway, went to eat a few new places. Went to the beach...well on the days it didn't rain. Went to a great Italian restaurant for my birthday. It was right on the Bay. LOVED it!! We were seated right on the water. Saw sting rays and flying fish jumping out of the bay!!

We also discovered the best Gelateria at Lincoln Road Mall and at Bayside. It is a chain, but it has a very homemade taste. That was the most wonderful gelato I ever put in my mouth. We had to get it every night we were there. They had different flavors every day. Pure frozen heaven!
I had my birthday cake at this place called the IceBox. It has been featured on Food Network a bunch of times. I have been here once before and loved it. I wanted to come back for my birthday. Their cakes are like the best sex you could ever imagine. They taste sooooo good! Aww man, just thinking about it!! I had the Pina Colada cake. It was amazing. I can't even describe it; can't put it into words how wonderful it tasted.

I usually go to Versailles in Little Havana for my Cuban food fix. We did go on our first day there. But I was a bit disappointed with the food. We tried another Cuban restaurant called Mambo. It was really good. It is located at Bayside in Downtown Miami. The food was really good and inexpensive. I will definitely be going there again.
On my cruise around Ft Lauderdale I found several houses that I would like to purchase for my retirement. But I know I won't be able to purchase one unless I hit the lotto. By the way, I did purchase several lotto tickets while in Florida. As I am sure you figured out, I didn't win. I find it amazing that people 1. live in these places and 2. they can AFFORD to live in these places. Where was I when they passed out the money? Oh well...I can dream about it...


I love these houses. I am going to have one, one day; with my yacht sitting on my dock. My pool and cabana oil boy...Okay Okay! I am awake now!!

This was a great trip! A great birthday! Thanks to my friend, who made it very special for me! Now on to planning 41!!

40 - the new middle age??!!

Okay the day finally made it!! I am NOW 40 years old. Is that the new middle age? I was reading on another person's blog that an author was middle aged, and she happens to be 40. I am like what???!!! When did 40 become middle aged? I know my bones creak and pop from time to time. My back feels like it is coming apart, but 40 is NOT old. I still feel like i am in my 20s. Although I have to say, in my mind I feel 60, but that is another blog to write.

I thought when I turned 40, I would be working as VP somewhere; I would have 2.5 kids and husband, my Range Rover. I know how materialistic of me, but shit I can't help it! That is what I saw for myself at 40. I thought I would be closer to retirement, a wishful 55, but that AIN'T happening. I am going to be freaking working until I drop dead. I have not saved for my retirement like I should have, I have not done anything like I should have. Where did I go wrong?!

But I have to say, I have more confidence in myself than I did in my 20's or 30's. It has been a gradual change in myself and my vision of myself. I feel more comfortable in my "skin" now. I had always heard that on Oprah, but I didn't pay any attention to it. But now I see what Oprah meant. I don't care what people think of me, my looks etc. It isn't so important to me. I understand the importance of being diplomatic as opposed to brash and outspoken. It is a change in MYSELF and my spirit!!

Turning 40 has gotten off to a great start. Can I make it to 50?!!

MY FIRST HOUSE!!!

R in front of my new house

On May 25, 2007, I became a first time home owner. I bit the bullet and did it! All by myself. I signed on the dotted line. Talk about being a nervous wreck! I have a mortgage now! After I went to closing, I became unsure about what I had done. Could I pay the mortgage, did I get ripped off, did I make a HORRIBLE mistake. I actually started shaking. I have "owned" my own place before, but it was the house I grew up in.

My parents gave it to me because they didn't want me to come back home with a baby in tow. Also, known as, "you can move back home but we will move out and give you the house!" But that was different, it was already paid for...by someone else. This, is entirely another matter. I AM responsible for making the payments. I AM responsible for making sure the grass is cut, the repairs are made...EVERYTHING!!

But despite my nervousness, my paranoia...I am a HOMEOWNER! YAY ME!! I DID IT!! I know my excitement is probably ridiculous. People buy homes everyday, but this is an exciting time for me because I did it as a single parent, one income, one everything.


Oh WELL! I am going to make this work! MY HOUSE! MY sanctuary!

Part of my backyard

Been Away for awhile

Lots of things have been going on in my life lately. I just noticed I haven't blogged in almost a year. I have been working on getting my life together. I have made progress but not quite there yet.

I have lost 150 pounds since January 26, 2006. My eating habits have changed and my body has changed. But my mind hasn't changed much. I still feel fat. I still feel like I weigh 360 pounds. When I look in the mirror, I still see fat girl. Over the year, people have said "You look great!" or "Wow, you have lost a LOT of weight!!" but I can't see it. I can't tell. I know I feel lighter and feel better, healthier, but I just don't see it when I look in the mirror. Why do I prevent myself from seeing the real me? All I see is the 80 pounds I have left to lose and can't seem to do it. All I see is the fat me, the ugly me; still ugly me. I haven't taken very many pictures of my progress; I guess because I still feel fat and unattractive.

I am still obsessed with food. I actually get pissed off because I can't eat huge portions of food anymore. I get pissed off to have to see containers of leftovers filling up my fridge and knowing I can't eat them before they go bad. Food looks so good all the time and I hate feeling that way. I hate the control food has over my life. i get jealous seeing my friends eat like normal human beings and i can't finish a 1/4 of my food. It is very frustrating. I know I had to do what was best for me, but man, I MISS FOOD!! I have become obsessed with Twizzlers. I love them now! I keep bags of them all over my house. When I get nervous or stressed, I have a Twizzler dangling from my mouth, like a cigarette. I know that is part of the reason I can't get rid of the last 80 pounds but this is the only thing that keeps me happy.

Some good things have come in my life. I have a new job, my dream job. It is exactly the job that I wanted. That has been a definite plus in my life. I am buying a new house, in my same neighborhood, so the girl doesn't have to change high schools.

There have been some definite positives in my life, so for that I am happy.