Saturday, April 07, 2007

Been Away for awhile

Lots of things have been going on in my life lately. I just noticed I haven't blogged in almost a year. I have been working on getting my life together. I have made progress but not quite there yet.

I have lost 150 pounds since January 26, 2006. My eating habits have changed and my body has changed. But my mind hasn't changed much. I still feel fat. I still feel like I weigh 360 pounds. When I look in the mirror, I still see fat girl. Over the year, people have said "You look great!" or "Wow, you have lost a LOT of weight!!" but I can't see it. I can't tell. I know I feel lighter and feel better, healthier, but I just don't see it when I look in the mirror. Why do I prevent myself from seeing the real me? All I see is the 80 pounds I have left to lose and can't seem to do it. All I see is the fat me, the ugly me; still ugly me. I haven't taken very many pictures of my progress; I guess because I still feel fat and unattractive.

I am still obsessed with food. I actually get pissed off because I can't eat huge portions of food anymore. I get pissed off to have to see containers of leftovers filling up my fridge and knowing I can't eat them before they go bad. Food looks so good all the time and I hate feeling that way. I hate the control food has over my life. i get jealous seeing my friends eat like normal human beings and i can't finish a 1/4 of my food. It is very frustrating. I know I had to do what was best for me, but man, I MISS FOOD!! I have become obsessed with Twizzlers. I love them now! I keep bags of them all over my house. When I get nervous or stressed, I have a Twizzler dangling from my mouth, like a cigarette. I know that is part of the reason I can't get rid of the last 80 pounds but this is the only thing that keeps me happy.

Some good things have come in my life. I have a new job, my dream job. It is exactly the job that I wanted. That has been a definite plus in my life. I am buying a new house, in my same neighborhood, so the girl doesn't have to change high schools.

There have been some definite positives in my life, so for that I am happy.