Monday, May 26, 2008

Memorial Day

I have been feeling just a general melancholy that I hadn't felt in a long time. I woke up and realized that I have been feeling anger and sadness because it is Memorial Day. I am a "war" widow from the first Gulf War. My husband died December 22, 1990. He did not get to see his child born 2 months later, he did not get to see her first steps, he will not get to teach her how to drive; the list goes on. We did not get to buy our first home together, all because of a senseless war in the 90's. It seems like it never ended for me. When I think about this Iraq War, I feel such anger and rage, that is indescribable. I want to go scream on the tallest building, letting the world know what I feel. My husband was an intellectual. He LOVED learning. He loved school. He just wanted to make a difference in the world with his knowledge. He used the military to get his bachelors, masters, and Ph.D degrees. He did not want to have thousands of dollars in school loans, so the military was a viable option for him. He was able to work on several projects that are still helping soldiers today, however, that brings me little comfort today.

I did not sign up to be a single parent. We purposefully waited 5 years into our marriage to get pregnant. I wanted to finish my bachelors degree and he wanted to finish his masters degree. We waited so we could do it together. As only children, we wanted at least 2 children. I have been robbed of that opportunity. So much I didn't get to do with him because it was always, later, after he retired or later after things settle down. Later never happened for us. The only thing that happened later was military uniforms showing up at my door, telling me my man had been killed stepping on a landmine and there was basically nothing left of him. I guess what also angers me to no end, is the fact that I have no grave to visit, I have no urn with ashes because there was NOTHING LEFT of him! There was no sign that he was ever on this earth except for the life that he and I created together.

So today, I have to deal with looking at mothers, wives, husbands, being told their loved one has been killed in this senseless war. Then we have the people that seem to have forgotten what this day is all about. Everyone pulls out their grills and has a party, but what are they celebrating? Yes, it is great to have a party, but let's remember what we are "celebrating" or remembering...Our fallen soldiers. That is what Memorial Day is about.

When will it ever end? Will we ever stop this war? When will it be over...the senseless killing over oil...or is this really about oil? Does anyone really know why we are at war? I feel like we are stuck there now and if we leave, we will have destroyed a country that isn't ours. I fully support the troops that are there, but I am angry about us even being there. Let's get out as soon as we can to save more grief and sadness for other people.