Tuesday, February 02, 2010


I can't tell you how distraught and upset I am right now. I was told today that because of some dumb asses kidnapping kids jeopardized my opportunity to adopt Alexandre. They are going to place him in an orphanage, but they are not sure yet which one. No matter how much I cried and begged it had no affect. I told them I would submit to home studies, could get recommendations from friends, family and coworkers, but to no avail. The Haitian government is not going to do any new adoptions for a year. The Haitian government is putting on a good front of protecting their children, when in all actuality they really couldn't give a damn. If you could see the squalor these children live in, you would know Haiti doesn't care and hasn't cared for a long time. The children are starving, lack receiving any kind of affection and lack any type of education. They are just waiting, but not really sure what they are waiting for. There are sooo many kids here, who are unwanted and/or orphaned. You smile at them and they come running. You give them a hug and they belong to you for life. They just want someone to love them...no toys, no games, just love and affection is all it takes for them.

We, the United States and other countries, are raising millions of dollars to help the victims of the earthquake, but where is that money going to go? Is it going to help the Haitian citizens? Is it going to help the babies and children in the orphanages? Or is it going to line the pockets of the Haitian government officials?

Alexandre is going to get lost in the "orphan" system and it kills me to thing about it. He already cries when I am out of his sight. He has become just as attached to me as I am to him. I know he is but one child in Haiti, but he is going to be one more child waiting for the unknown. I am not sure if I will be able to keep track of him, in order to adopt him in a year, because they are going to move him once I leave. I can't leave my baby here. I can't leave him to get "lost" in a faulty system. I know there is nothing I can do at this point and I feel helpless and hopeless. I have cried all day and can hardly work. My team is giving me the sad looks and I'm sorries, but it is not making me feel better. I am feeling bitter and resentful that I didn't erect my emotional wall like everyone else did. But looking in the faces of these children, it was impossible for me to do so. I love passing out hugs along with the hurts because it makes it better for the kids. Kids love so unconditionally, that I find it difficult to not love or care for them back.

So, on Thursday morning as I board the plane to return to my luxurious life, I have to leave behind the baby that I come to think of as my son, Alexandre. I don't know if I will be able to do it without breaking down. I came to Haiti on a medical mission, but will leave here a very changed person

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


Everyone who knows me, knows I LOVE BOOKS! I love reading them! I am a voracious reader, probably an addict if you think about it. When I was a kid my mother would take me to the library on Saturday mornings. That was the one "activity" we did together. We would be in the library for hours. I would have 20 books to check out at one time. And I would read them all during the week and would be ready for more the next Saturday. When my daughter started preschool, I continued the tradition of going to the library with her on Saturdays.

I read all kinds of books. It does not matter the genre...Romance (a fave), chick lit, mysteries, biographies (another fave), cookbooks, crafting/knitting books. Anything and everything, I read it!! I was recently introduced to Young Adult books. My daughter told me about the Twilight saga. I loved it! I am hoping Stefenie Meyer decides to write Midnight Sun. But that is another commentary. I spend about $100 per month on books. I am members of the Barnes and Noble and Borders discount "clubs". That is how serious I am about books. I hate to admit it that I have been known to buy books from...gasp...WALMART!! Anywhere to get a discount!!

Back to the point of this post. One of my favorite books is Dirty Girls Social Club. When I read that book, I was absolutely engaged with the characters. The author, Alisa Valdez Rodriguez, wrote with such passion and description, that I felt the characters were real. She described "Black" Latinas, like me, with such logical reality. I don't know any other way to put it. I had felt like I was all alone in this world...well, I should say in Texas, where Mexicans are the majority of Hispanics. Being a Cuban in Texas is hard, especially being an AfroCuban in Texas. I would get stupid comments like, how is it that a "Black" girl can speak Spanish? How you think, fool?? I digress. I absolutely LOVED this book. I could relate to all the characters, particularly Usnavys. So when the announcement was made that the author would be writing a sequel to the Sucias, I was so excited!!

I just read the book, Dirty Girls on Top. Let's just say, disappointment cannot not even describe my feelings on this book. The characters were destroyed. They became shallow, superficial characters, that were in the previous book, rich and all encompassing. I feel sad that the Sucias are no longer the characters I remembered. The only thing that doesn't piss me off about the book, is the fact that I got it for $2.00 at the local half price bookstore! The book seemed like it was just thrown together, without any thought. It was almost as if the author hated the characters and wanted to just "kill" them off because she was tired of them. I don't know. But I was sad when I finished reading it. I was so looking forward to reading it but now I wish she had just left us with just the first book.

Now I have gotten into Young Adult fiction. Twilight, Vampire Academy, and the House of Night series. So maybe I should say Young Adult paranormal fiction. I have to say young readers have it so much better than I did. The books are intense and fabulously written. I have to say I have been enjoying these books more than "Adult" fiction. Although, I can't put down a good romance. Yay Francis Ray, Rochelle Alers and Brenda Jackson.

So my summer will be spent with hopefully good books and good knitting!

Happy Reading!

Monday, March 30, 2009


Parenting is easily the most difficult job in the world. There is no procedure manual to guide you. At least at work you have a handbook, or a policy and procedure book available. As a parent, it is all trial and error. And let me say it is mostly error!!

I thought when my daughter made it to 18 that my job would be done, but it seems I have an extended contract. It seems that she doesn't plan on leaving home. I have made it too comfortable for her. She wants to stay forever. I remember at her age, I couldn't wait until I could get out of the house. Not her!! I feel like a complete failure as a parent. Did I not invoke the "get out the house at 18" message loud enough? She wants to stay home and attend college. NOOOOO!!! Don't you want to live in the dorm or sorority house and be independent?! "No", she says, "I want to stay with you forever!" WHY?!! What did I do wrong?! My daughter and I have a great relationship. We talk about any and everything. Some things I don't want to know, but I listen because I am happy she feels comfortable to tell me. I never had that relationship with my mother. So maybe I did do something right.

I have stopped going to the soccer games in freaking cold weather, freezing my bum off, because she can drive herself now. Her feelings are hurt. She says she can't play if I am not there! What? Why the hell not? She tells me don't you care about how I play? Ummm no not really! I just did it before because I had to, now you are on your own sister!

Aww well, I guess I can't complain too much because I have raised a child who is basically a great person, woman. She loves me unconditionally. Hopefully she won't put me in a "home" when I get old!

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Random day

I was talking to my significant other today and I realized this man REALLY, REALLY LOVES me! I knew he loved me but didn't know he LOVED me for me. He said something to me today that just floored me. He said that he would die for me and that I was a part of him, a part of his soul. Just out of the blue like that he says it. We were talking about something totally unrelated. Not that I would want him to die for me, but just the thought that someone has such strong feelings for me really took me aback. We have been going back in forth in our relationship for a long time. Together, apart, together, apart...and so it goes.

He cheated on me with the biggest skank ever and I have had a really hard time forgiving him. I believe I have forgiven him, but it is the forgetting part that I have been having problems with. He has apologized in every way he could think of, but I couldn't get past it for a long time. I know it was because of my body image issues and she was BEAUTIFUL on the outside but disgusting on the inside. But I felt so wronged by it all that I had to bury my feelings, in order to get past the pain. He always tells me that I am unemotional, but what he doesn't realize is that I am emotional, but I have to bury the emotions or I will be truly out of control.

I started working on my weight and improving how I felt about myself and he didn't like that. He felt I was getting "sexy" (and believe me I am no where near sexy now) for someone else. Who the hell else was there but him?! I couldn't convince him of that, so we were apart again. But even when we were apart, we always talked; maybe not everyday, but at least twice a week. So we are always drawn together.

A few months ago we decided we were too old to deal with the BS any longer, either we were together or we would cut it off completely. Around the time we had this conversation, I started having heart and blood pressure problems, and wonders of wonders he did too. I mean literally when my heart would be racing, he would call me and says his was about to come out of his chest. I mean is that a coincidence, kismit or what? Everytime I had a spike in my blood pressure, he did too, at the same time. We took that as a sign that we were supposed to be together, destined for each other. It was really strange that once we spoke to each other or saw each other, our hearts would calm down and go back to normal. We are totally in sync.

So in July 2009, I am packing it up and moving to Miami to be with my heart! Maybe between the two of us we can get our hearts on the same beat! :)

Tuesday, February 03, 2009


For the past few months I have been in a really bad place, mentally and physically. Before I lost 160 pounds, I was fairly healthy. It seems like since I have lost all the weight, I have been falling apart. So when I fall apart the thing I turn to is music.

I love all kinds of music. I can truly say I have eclectic taste in music. I am just amazed at how different songs can cause different emotions within me. I was listening to my iPod and Sade "Stronger than Pride" came on; it caused me to think about past loves and how I lowered my pride and my standards time after time because of my man at the time. Then "Reminisce" by Pete Rock came on and I thought about when I spent a summer in NYC (Brooklyn) with my grandmother's sister. That was fun and scary for a chick from Texas. Next was Dido with "Thank You" and it reminded me of the good parts of love. Your man meeting you at the door with a drink or comforting words after a rough day. Nothing better than that. Those feelings you have when everything is good with you and your partner. Linkin Park's "In the End", that song just screams out that no matter how hard you try, it sometimes means nothing to anyone. Taylor Swift's "Love Song" reminds me of my first love, talking on the phone all night,and first kisses. That sweet first love. Ne-Yo's "Miss Independent"...that is my theme song. I am independent, maybe too much so. Reggaeton just makes me want to dance. It reminds me of when I was a kid dancing around with my grandparents. Being carefree and happy! Moving with the beat or allowing the beat to move me. Of course, anything from the 80's is on my playlist.

Music has helped me and continues to help me with what seems to be a constant struggle that is my life. Music has saved my life so many times and it continues to strengthen me. So to all the musicians and songwriters out there...Thanks!!

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Much Ado

I haven't blogged because I just haven't had much to say lately. I feel like I need to write something, but why is that? I don't know. I feel obligated to write something because I have saved this little bit of space in the cyber world.

Just an update: I was laid off from my job in April, then found a new job in May. Hate the new job. It is so beneath me, but I need something to pay the bills. That is how I am trying to look at things. I am not the least big challenged. So, needless to say I am looking again. I always feel like I can't find a job that fits me and makes me happy. This job I am with has it's perks- I get a company car and company gas card. But that is about it. I feel like I have stepped back into Mayberry RFD. They have NO HR processes in effect. They go by the wims of the CEO/President of the company. It is just a hot mess.

Next update: The girl did not pass the Math and Science TAKS (Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills) tests. She needs to pass both parts of this test so she can graduate from high school. This whole process has pissed me off and frustrated me and her. I mean she could have an A in a class but if she doesn't pass this series of exit exams, then she doesn't graduate. It just sucks!! It has stressed me out so much that it is affecting my blood pressure. So now I am on blood pressure medication. I am trying to calm it down. I have been knitting more and more to try to focus on other things. I made a major layette set for one of my former co workers who is pregnant; blanket, bib, booties, mary jane booties, hat, cardigan, and hand mits. But it still didn't help as much as I had hoped.

Well that is my life for now. I will try to visit blog land more frequently.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Memorial Day

I have been feeling just a general melancholy that I hadn't felt in a long time. I woke up and realized that I have been feeling anger and sadness because it is Memorial Day. I am a "war" widow from the first Gulf War. My husband died December 22, 1990. He did not get to see his child born 2 months later, he did not get to see her first steps, he will not get to teach her how to drive; the list goes on. We did not get to buy our first home together, all because of a senseless war in the 90's. It seems like it never ended for me. When I think about this Iraq War, I feel such anger and rage, that is indescribable. I want to go scream on the tallest building, letting the world know what I feel. My husband was an intellectual. He LOVED learning. He loved school. He just wanted to make a difference in the world with his knowledge. He used the military to get his bachelors, masters, and Ph.D degrees. He did not want to have thousands of dollars in school loans, so the military was a viable option for him. He was able to work on several projects that are still helping soldiers today, however, that brings me little comfort today.

I did not sign up to be a single parent. We purposefully waited 5 years into our marriage to get pregnant. I wanted to finish my bachelors degree and he wanted to finish his masters degree. We waited so we could do it together. As only children, we wanted at least 2 children. I have been robbed of that opportunity. So much I didn't get to do with him because it was always, later, after he retired or later after things settle down. Later never happened for us. The only thing that happened later was military uniforms showing up at my door, telling me my man had been killed stepping on a landmine and there was basically nothing left of him. I guess what also angers me to no end, is the fact that I have no grave to visit, I have no urn with ashes because there was NOTHING LEFT of him! There was no sign that he was ever on this earth except for the life that he and I created together.

So today, I have to deal with looking at mothers, wives, husbands, being told their loved one has been killed in this senseless war. Then we have the people that seem to have forgotten what this day is all about. Everyone pulls out their grills and has a party, but what are they celebrating? Yes, it is great to have a party, but let's remember what we are "celebrating" or remembering...Our fallen soldiers. That is what Memorial Day is about.

When will it ever end? Will we ever stop this war? When will it be over...the senseless killing over oil...or is this really about oil? Does anyone really know why we are at war? I feel like we are stuck there now and if we leave, we will have destroyed a country that isn't ours. I fully support the troops that are there, but I am angry about us even being there. Let's get out as soon as we can to save more grief and sadness for other people.