Grief

Over the past few days I have experienced a grief that words cannot describe. My wonderful abuela died on October 13th. I feel like a piece of me has been ripped from my body and lays bleeding on the ground. I have never known such sorrow, such anguish. One minute she is there, the next she isn't. I don't know...I just feel like there are times I can't stand being in my own skin because I miss her so much. I feel such anger that other people have their grandparents there but mine is gone. It sounds so ridiculous as I write this, but it is the way I feel.

People have been calling me to tell me how sorry they are for my loss and I truly appreciate that. But, I feel like a wound that has the scab torn off with each word they say. They talk about their memories of her and what a great person she was...past tense...was...and I feel like screaming, "Please, you are killing me with each word!" It all sounds so selfish and petty. This has all felt like a dream, really a nightmare. I keep expecting to hear her voice calling out to me to bring her a pop. Or she and my daughter screaming at each other. It used to drive me crazy, man do I want to hear that now.

My abuela was a wonderful person. Of course not without her faults, but who of us don't have faults. But overall, she was a very caring, loving, and generous person. I will miss her overwhelmingly so, with EVERY fiber of my being.

Nana I love you and will cherish your memory throughout my life!