When I wrote my previous posts about grandmothers it was prior to my grandmother becoming ill. How ironic is that? For the past 5 days my abuela has been fighting for her life. She has been in and out of the hospital for the past 3 months. She goes in and she comes back out. This week has been different. I have come to the shocking realization that she is not going to live forever. In the back of my mind I thought she would be with me always. I don't think she is coming out of the hospital this time. As much as I want her to, I don't think she is. She has Congestive Heart Failure, Ephysema, and now they have found tumors in her abdomen.
She has been with me for all the majors in my life. First communion, first dance, first cotillion, wedding day, birth of my baby....every first she has been there. She taught me how to ride my bicycle. My parents didn't have time. When I sent the summer in New Orleans she told them to bring my bike. They did and she taught me how to ride it. She didn't get on the side and run like most of my friends' parents did. She talked me through it. She said, " Okay mi amor, you are going to get on the bike, balance it and then pedel as fast as you can." Why is it I can remember that like it happened yesterday. She is always the one that "talks me through things." Sometimes I take her advice and sometimes I didn't. It was the times I didn't that I wished I had. We yell and scream at each other and say mean things to each other but we LOVE each other just as passionately. She was always the one I could turn to in my times of need. She showed me how strong I could be but at the same time supported me in anyway she could.
What am I going to do when she is not there anymore? It so strange to try to think about her not being there. I stood in my shower, sobbing because it hit me that she is going to die. I feel like a piece of me is dying with her. I haven't been dealing with this very well. My own illness is playing a part in why I am not handling this so well.
I have been trying to find a way to say goodbye to her, but I don't think I can. I don't think I ever will. I know I have to think with my head not not my heart, but how do you turn your heart off when you are dealing with someone you love? I have decide to just enjoy everyday I can with her and be happy with the 38 years I have had her in my life. But, I am lonely for her already.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
First of Kim i am sending you a great big hug. I know how hard this is. Someone once told me that we never really lose someone that we just gain an extra angel. I like this thought it brings me comfort when i think i can't do it anymore. Big hugs and i will pray for your abuelita.
Karla,
That is such a great way to see it. I will try my best to think of it that way.
Crap.
Believe me, hon, we all know by now how I feel about grandparents. And, I know what you're going through.
In my opinion (because it's how I feel) there's really nothing that I can say that will make it feel any better. BUT, know that she will continue to be with you forever. No matter if she's in the other bedroom or walking beside you in spirit. She'll never leave you. You'll always have her love and guidance. It's just that when she decides to leave her physical body behind, you'll just have to pay closer attention to what she's saying to your spirit.
Just continue loving her. She may come back home. I'm hoping that she does, but just keep doing what you do best. Be her special nieta like you've always been.
Just love her home. Wherever, whenever that may be.
Love and hugs to you, chica!
-jo
Karla is correct- You will just have one more angel to watch and guide you from above one day.
Nana will never leave you; she will be with you from above, and her guidance, lessons, and precious memories will live within you here on earth. It is those lessons that flow thru your shared blood- lessons which you are passing on to those that sprung life from you.
Never say goodbye...use the time you have left to celebrate life and the times you shared together. Laughter may help both of you fight harder.
Abrazos.
So, sorry to hear about this Kim. I know what you're going through. I lost my Grandmother last December. It is hard to face, but I think the outlook you have is a good one. To enjoy the time that you have with her now. I'm sure she knows how much you and all your family loves her. That is a comfort. Believe me.
Post a Comment