Going HOME!!

Behind the Tamaya

I am sitting here in the Albuquerque Sunport waiting for my plane to take me home. I have a 4 hour wait, but that is okay because the airport has free internet access. What a GREAT airport!! lol

The mountains of New Mexico are beautiful and awe inspiring. It was as though you could walk right up to them and touch them. We were nestled in the valley of several mountain ranges. No matter what side of the resort you were on you saw mountains. The resort was beautiful, however, the design was crazy. I had to walk forever to get to my room. There was 1 right turn and 4 left turns to get to my room. I felt like I had walked for miles. The altitude didn't help things either. I would walk 10 steps and I felt like I had run a marathon. It was a very strange feeling. The resort had hot air balloons, horseback riding, and 3 fabulous pools.

Well, this weekend wasn't what I expected, but I did accomplish my goal of relaxation and rejuvenation. I had the most AMAZING full body massage. Now, I am a big girl and have special needs, like EXTRA LARGE robes and a heavier hand than normal. I have had massages before that just left me feeling the same as when I walked in the place...feeling as though I wasted my hard earned cash. My masseuse, Holly, was amazing. The massage took place in a room that had french doors that opened up to a private patio. I could feel the wonderful cool breeze hitting my body as she massaged. Words cannot explain or express the feelings I had. The birds were singing and the air was fresh. Holly has magic hands. I have had knots and tightness in my body for months and her magic hands drained all that tension from my body. It was so worth every penny.

I met some AWESOME Sucias and I am so glad I came. We bonded in a wonderful way. It was like we had known each other forever. I guess talking to someone via the internet can make you feel that way. We talked, laughed and cried with each other and it just made our bond that much stronger. We probably took about 500 hundred pictures of any and everything we saw. We had passerbys and waitstaff taking pictures of us. We have some pretty funny pictures and some truly beautiful ones too. Sucia Gloria was hilarious in her white Sedan DeVille Caddy rental. We went to the New Mexico Cultural Center and she was leaned back, rolling on the highway. YES, we like 'em big in Texas, right Gloria?!! lol.

It was truly an experience unlike any other. We have all made vows to stay in touch and meet up again every year like the our book counterparts.

See you next year Sucias!!

New Mexico

I made it to Albuquerque in one piece. The mountains surrounding the area are unbelievable. I haven't been here since I was a teenager. Of course, as a teen you do NOT have an appreciation for such things. The sun was just setting and it was quite breathtaking. I have to say their airport is one of the prettiest airports I have ever seen. It is full of Southwestern flare and flavor. I also have to say it is very well organized also. The draw back was the LONG way you have to walk to baggage claim. Maybe it was because I wasn't feeling well, but it seemed like one of those scenes where the hall keeps getting longer as you are walking. I loved how they had their rental car "process" set up. You take a shuttle bus to one big building and ALL the rental car places were in one spot. VERY NICE!

So I get my rental car and I follow the instructions I downloaded into my PDA to my hotel. It was VERY easy to find my hotel from the airport. I stayed at the Marriott near the airport. I was quite pleased with the room.

So I am here in New Mexico ready to meet up with my other Sucias, have fun and relax! I cannot say enough about how excited I am to be here. New Mexico, I hope you are ready for Las Sucias!!

Airline

Okay today I began my journey to Albuquerque, NM. I live extremely close to Love Field airport in Dallas. So obviously I chose Southwest Airlines for my trip. The convenience was the big factor in my selection.

Can I just say I had the trip from HELL!! Southwest's M.O. is to not assign seats. You just get in where you fit in. Can I also say the freaking plane was PACKED? I thought by traveling a day before the holiday weekend I would miss all the extra traffic. NOT!! It seems like everyone had the same idea. They board you by groups of A, B, and C. It was like I imagine being a cow in a herd would feel like. Everyone was pushing each other around trying to get their coveted seat. I am a back of the plane person because I am typically not in a MAJOR rush to get off the plane like others seem to be. Did I say the plane was packed. I was in group B, so I was able to get my back of the plane seat. Well, I am a big girl...I am sure I have said that someplace on here. Okay you see a big girl sitting in a seat...WHY would two other big people sit beside me? There were other seats with skinny people sitting in them so that was an option.

So I was squished up as they were also...sitting in the back of the plane. IT was awful. I was feeling nauseous and I prayed the whole 1 hour flight to not throw up all over them because there would be NO way for me to get out of my seat in time. It was an uncomfortable plane ride. The flight attendants were rude and looked over worked. They looked like they didn't care what happened to passengers. So I didn't have any confidence in them at all.

I like Southwest's concept of cheap, convenient flights, but you pay in the way of comfort and a dignity.I have come to the conclusion that even though Southwest is convenient and more cost effective, I will be traveling the extra 15 miles to Dallas Fort Worth Airport to fly in comfort! What is a few extra bucks when I can get an assigned seat, a wider seat, and smiles!

Grandma and my Retreat

My grandmother lives with me in my two bedroom apartment, along with my 14 y.o. daughter. CAN I JUST SAY WHAT A FREAKING WORKOUT?! My grandmother is very demanding and feels entitled. What I mean by that is she is forever calling my daughter to get her something to drink or something to eat. I mean since when did she become an invalid? She can walk, she can cook, she can even drive, but she is afraid to live alone now. It has been a BIG adjustment for my daughter because it is in combination with my illness. But what can I do, say "no granny you can't live with me!" Umm I don't think so. Even though I think it everyday. I am looking for a bigger place so we can all at least have our own rooms to retreat to, to get away from it all and each other. But that ain't happening until the end of June.

So this weekend my daughter and I are both going on a retreat! Not together, but a retreat from the screaming and the guilt trips. I am going to beautiful New Mexico and my daughter is going on a Caribbean adventure with my parents. I feel guilty for the excitement that she and I both feel. The first thing we felt is relief to be away from Granny, even for 4 days! That is plenty. But as I get ready for my trip, the guilt has set in heavily. She will be alone for 3 nights. What if something happens? I am going home to cook so she will have food to eat while we are away. But the guilt is still eating at me. Why do I have such guilty feelings? Don't I deserve to feel a little happiness, even if it is just for 3 nights? Why do I allow her to make me feel the way I do? Is that just a grandmother thing?

Well I am just going to have to get over it because I am going to RETREAT and have a good time doing it.
Ciao Nana!

Desperate Housewives

Desperation

Can I just say how much I LOVE the show Desperate Housewives?! That show is so realistic in every avenue. How can I make it a whole summer with out it? Without seeing new episodes for 4 whole months!! What am I going to do? I look forward to Sunday nights now. Anxiously awaiting to see what Gaby, Bree, Susan, Edie and Lynette are going to mess up on Wysteria Lane. It is going to be a LONG boring summer!

Cuban Tower

Cuban Shoreline

Cuba

My abuela was in a rare mood today. She is living with me now because she can't live alone. That is another blog entry. Today I told her about a party at the Cuban Interest Section in June in Washington, DC. I am planning on going with my friend. When I was telling her about it she became very melancholy and nostalgic. It was like she was taken back to a different time and place.

I heard about Cuba before the Revolution, pre Fidel. I thought I had heard it all before, but apparently I hadn't. She decided to go a new and different direction with me. She talked about how there was so much corruption in the government due to the American Mafia, American businesses, and Batista. She said there needed to be a revolution, but no one expected it to turn out this way. Everyone thought it would be set up like Puerto Rico, with democracy shining through.

She described a beautiful Cuba, full of tourists and children playing in the surf. Plenty to eat and money flowing. But she said not everyone had money. The poverty was so oppressive in the Black and Mulatto communities. That is why most Black Cubans LOVE Fidel. He made the White European looking Cubans on the same level as they were on. Everyone is equal. She said that Black Cubans could not go to school because they were expected to work in the Sugar fields and Nickel mines. It was still very much a "slave" mentality. She said she was one of the lucky Mulattas to be able to go to school and then to University because she was very fair with gray eyes. Yes, simply based on her looks. Well, maybe Cuba was more like the U.S. in that aspect, in the 50s and 60s...segregation, etc. You all know where I am going with that.

She talked about the wonderful parties she used to attend, with flowing Champagne and good food. How she was a debutante and how she met my grandfather. The dancing, fat cigars and skinny cigarettes, it was all over. It sounded amazing. It made me feel like I was there. The cool ocean breeze on my face, along with bright sun shining down. She was able to travel to and from the U.S. because she had relatives living in New Orleans and Shreveport, Louisiana. She said she experienced pure freedom, unlike the people of Cuba today. She said she longed to have those days back so she could see her siblings again.

My grandfather was a banker in Cuba. My grandmother was a translator with the German Embassy in Havana. Abuelo knew things were changing and little by little put money into U.S and Swiss bank accounts. When he and my grandmother would travel to the U.S. they would bring silver, gold and other items of sentimental value with them. My grandmother said she felt dumb wearing and bringing all that stuff in her suitcase. But on New Year's Eve1958, my grandparents decided to miss the social event of the year at the Copacabana (yes there really was a place named that) to stay home. My grandfather made my grandmother pack all their stuff in suitcases. He didn't know for sure what was going on but he knew something bad was going to happen. Then New Year's Day 1959 it happened. Fidel rode into Havana victorious over Batista. My grandmother said she was so afraid because she knew they would be leaving her home forever. She said she closed her eyes to try to keep the memory of her childhood home in Santa Clara and her new home in Havana because she did not want to forget them.

She and my grandfather were one of the lucky ones because they knew several languages, English included, and had lived in the U.S. before. So they arrive in the U.S. with my 14 year old mother and 5 year old uncle on January 7, 1959. They decided to settle in New Orleans because my grandmother had siblings there already. My grandparents have siblings still living in Cuba with no hope of getting out. So we make our monthly or quarterly trips to Mexico to send them money or clothes and pray everything gets there. The U.S. Embargo against Cuba makes it almost impossible to assist families now. Now with Fidel's no dollar policy...it is crazy. What I don't understand is what is the difference between China and Cuba?! They are both communist states, they both have human rights issues. Why do we trade with them and not Cuba? Oh wait, the Cuban exiles. Remember the elitist society I wrote about, well that's them. They are killing their own people. Phone calls are few and far between because getting a phone line in Cuba is like calling Mars...impossible. A lot of phones there are still on the party line system, meaning other families can listen in on your call and your business is all over the streets.

I wish there was a way for my grandmother to return. She could return but she has made a vow to never return as long as Cuba is a communist state. She longs to have those ocean breezes and sun shine on her skin and I wish I could give them to her. So I am going to this party for you Abuela. I will think of you as I am drinking Mojitos. Toasting you and your bravery!

CUBA LIBRE!!

Tamaya Pool

Hyatt Tamaya

Tamaya at night

Relaxation

Well I am going on a little retreat with some of my chicas from Alisa's group. I am really excited about going. I don't even really care about the activities going on. Just having a chance to get away from the real world is going to be heaven. I can forget about the chemo, the job, and family obligations. Just look at those pictures. Who couldn't relax at this place?

It is located in the Sandia Mountains, I think that is what they are called. LOL. It guess I need to get with the map, as my friend tells me from time to time. This place is what I call a mountain paradise. I would like to have a full body massage and a body wrap, but I can't afford additional luxuries. LOL I am scraping up to stay in the hotel. But I am determined to go.

I need something in my life right now that says, screams even, PEACE and SERENITY! I feel like I have been on an emotional and physical roller coaster for months. This place makes me feel as though I can do anything when I leave. I can be refreshed and reinspired...is that a word? I just hope I am not disappointed.

El Morro en Puerto Rico

Moving to Puerto Rico

Well it is official the parental units are moving to Puerto Rico. They built a beautiful ocean front home there. They led me to believe that they were building the house for family vacations. Well they LIED! They built it to move there for retirement. They have been planning this for years. Putting away money in Puerto Rican banks. They are very smart. Puerto Rico has very generous tax laws.

They have finalized their plans and have the move date set: July 21st...TWO DAYS before my birthday! Now that is an outrage, but as my mother told me, they are getting a cheaper price! lol Moving to an island is quite an ordeal. They have to have movers come and take it to Houston, TX, then put it in a container to be put on a boat. Then they fly from Houston to PR to get ready to receive their items. My mother's statement to me was to come visit for my birthday. Yes that would be great if my job gave more than 5 days off in a year. But that is a whole other story!

Anyway, so I will truly be on my own. I have always had my parents as my back up with my daughter. So now she and I will be on our own FA REAL!! LOL...it is very frightening for me. Although my parents and I aren't really close, it is nice to know that I have a back up plan. I am very glad they waited until my daughter got older before they moved. She is very excited by the prospect of going to PR for long vacations, as am I , but there is nothing like having your family close by.

Oh WAIT I have an idea! I can move to PR too. No I don't think they will go for that!! lol

HEALTH INSURANCE

I am so pissed off right now at my health insurance. They have been paying for my medical treatment with no problem until today. TODAY they decide that they don't want to pay because my doctor increased my chemo dosage. Okay...same medication, same clinic, same doctor, but different dosage. WHAT IS THE FUCKING difference?! I am the Benefits Manager for my company and I have called all my insiders to ask and no one seems to know, other than they aren't going to pay it. So now my doctor has to change her orders so that they will pay for it. What REALLY doesn't make since is if I get the lower dosage 2 times as week as opposed to the higher dosage once a week, they will pay for it. And in actuality the lower dosage given more frequently is more toxic to me and MORE EXPENSIVE than giving the higher dosage once a week.

I just don't get it. The American healthcare system is such a joke. We are one of the wealthiest countries in the world and we have people that can't afford insurance. We are the laughing stock of Europe and our neighbors to the north(Canada), who both have a universal health care system. Yes the taxes are high and yes there can be lines for everything, but knowing I have health care and housing make it worth it for me. ARE we REALLY only about the almighty dollar here? Do we not care that there are people suffering everyday because they can't pay for the health care or they make $1.00 over the Medicaid limits? Don't even get me started on Medicare!

I am so disappointed and disillusioned with the United States right now. We are paying billions of dollars for a war that most of us don't believe in, but we have people who can't get medical care. I have a MAJOR problem with the logic on that! The government doesn't want to take care of the citizens that are paying the taxes for this war, but Iraqi's are getting all kinds of aid. Ummm okay. I know I shouldn't be complaining too much because I have medical care, shitty medical care, but I have it. But I think about the women who don't have access to medical care. It is a bit scary. I don't think we should look around the world pointing fingers at other countries, when we haven't looked at ourselves first.

Mother's Day

Okay I am going to complain a bit... My sweet daughter planned a lovely mother's day for me. But it required me getting out of bed, getting dressed up and going over to my parents' house. Then we went out to eat. It was a very okay day. But what I wanted most of all was to just lay in my bed and sleep and read.

It took so much energy for me to get up and get dressed and sit. I know it sounds crazy but really it does. I know I am an ungrateful, but if it is about celebrating Mothers, shouldn't I have a say in what I want to do? I DID everything my baby had planned, but I was so sick, I could barely keep it together. I would have like to have had ONE day that I did nothing, no getting up for work, no cooking, no cleaning, NOTHING! I feel bad just saying that because my daughter did show her appreciation of me and it made me feel great. But BED sounded better! =)

It turned out to be a great day. So I guess I will be happy! lol

Men

My best friend in the whole world is upset. Not at me but at a man, of course. I went against all that is me and my beliefs to introduce mi amiga to him. I am so not the person to match make because my abuela is a BIG matchmaker. She lives for that shit and I hate it. My friends have been talking for 2 years. Really feeling each other, or so I thought. I won't go into details, but let's just say that he has made her feel their whole relationship has been built on a lie. She has been crying and upset for the past 10 days and I don't know what to do to help her. BTW, he was my friend and I introduced the two of them at the encouragement of mi novio. That is a whole other story.

I feel really guilty and responsible because I introduce pendejo cabron to mi amiga and now she is in pain. I am so pissed at him. He was my good friend. I say was because I can no longer tolerate talking to him or seeing him. I have made so many excuses for him because he was going through some things, a lot of things in his life at the time. He had me so fooled. I thought he was this sweet and sensitive person, but he is just like the rest of the men out there. Yes, I know there are some good ones but where are they. I thought he would be perfecto for her and he would have been if he had just done right. Men, being honest is not a bad thing, ok?

I feel horrible because no words can comfort her. I know she has to ride out the pain but it makes me hurt too. That sounds a little narsassitic (sp?), but I don't mean it to be. She lives far away from me so I can't just put my arms around her and say, "hey, it will be good again soon." When you say it on the phone it sounds VERY trite to my ears. I am a hugger so I like to be able to hug people when I am saying trite things to them. Sounds crazy I know, but hey what can I say. When I talk to her on the phone I can feel the pain radiating from her. I think to myself, "hell I introduced her to asshole!" She tells me to not feel bad but I can't help it but I do. I may be wrong, but I have cut myself off from Sr. Pendejo Cabron. And he is blowing up my phone. To give me his side. To me, if you care about me, you would not treat my friend the way he did and then expect me to go on like it was nothing. I know I am supposed to be forgiving but I can't do it. I am a Leo!! I hold grudges!

So to mi amiga te amo! Aqui es un abrazo de mi!!

Blogging

Okay what is the deal with Blog these days? I have been trying to add some links on to my page to some GREAT other Bloggers. I can't get them to work. So I have some crazy crap showing up!

NEway...I have been reading the blog of a certain Mr. Rodriguez. He is a great writer. I think he has been somewhat overshadowed by his wonderful wife. She is such a great writer. I LOVE her books. I hope he comes out with a novel himself or gets a great job as a star reporter. He is a very sensitive and supportive person. He deserves it. Okay so why can't I find one like that??? If you can go check out his page...it is www.webblogaboutnothing.blogspot.com
If I could get the links to work, I would put it on there.
Ciao for now!

Thoughts on Chemo

I have been going through chemotherapy for a liver tumor. This is the third time in 3 years but I am told this time it will "really" work. How can the doctors be so sure? They were positive last time was THE last time, so I am not so sure I believe them anymore. I am sitting here in the clinic. It is much like a cozy den with television and radio. Not just any kind of radio mind you, but Sirius Satellite. lol They also just installed wireless internet too, so I am taking advantage of that today. I have to say it isn't so bad while you are here...it is afterwards that you suffer. I won't even go into details about that just know that it sucks!!

How did I get such a dreadful disease? A FUCKING TATTOO!! I wanted to get a tattoo for my 33rd birthday. Apparently the place I went to sucked and I got Hepatitis. Well my Hepatitis was cured, but I got diagnosed with a tumor for my 34th birthday. So thus began the first round of chemo. It isn't cancer but anything on your liver can be deadly.

I think about my lovely daughter, who is growing up so quickly. What if something happens to me? I am not very close to my parents, although since I have been sick, they have been trying to be supportive. But I could not leave my daughter in their care. I had such a miserable childhood, I don't want them to "undo" what little good I have done with her. It is such a scary thought...not me dying persay, but me dying and leaving behind my baby with no one. NO ONE can be her mother like I can! So that is what makes me frightened. There are days that I feel like I just can't continue anymore putting this bullshit in my body, but I look at her and know I have to keep fighting.

So I keep fighting the nausea, the hair loss, the weight gain (yes I have GAINED weight not lost) knowing that I have someone who loves and needs me no matter what!

Abrazos y beso mi Nena!