Amazing!

I have recently turned 40. I have been rethinking my life and life choices. I hear Oprah and other touchy feely people talk about "coming into yourself" when you turn 40 or 50, whatever. I listened to that and thought yeah right...who the hell are you fooling? But I have been officially 40, 3 months and 29 days, but I think with a clarity and a calmness I never have before. Is there some truth to the BS they have been spouting.

Okay so in my moments of clarity, I have thought about all the crap I have been through in my 40 years...particularly the last 17 years. So two things I have realized: 1) Life sucks on all levels - and no I am not sad about it...it is what it is; and 2) People suck!! I thought nothing would surprise me anymore but on a daily basis something happens that brings the reality back to me. I used to think I was pessimistic, but no, in my moments of clarity, I realized it isn't always me, it is circumstances and the people involved in them.

I want to be happy and I want the people around me to be happy. Treat each other with respect. You don't have to love me or even like me, but freaking respect me as a human being on this planet. I have been vendictive, revengeful, and generally hateful in my 20s and part of my 30s, but somewhere around 33, I realized those actions were holding me back from feeling peace in my soul. Those things were hindering my growth as a human. Everyone is out for themselves, F everyone else. You are in my way and you need to move now or get run over. That is the common philosophy these days. People hurt, lie, cheat, steal from each other to get whatever they want, what is going to make them happy. But in reality, you get everything the wrong way and it makes you feel empty inside. Nothing will ever make you happy. You will always be questing for the next best thing, job, lover, whatever. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

I am usually not so pessimistic about things but in all honesty, as I go into another year, age wise and new year, I have resolved to continue to be a nice person, continue to love and respect others, and not damage the ones I don't care for, and live my life the best way I can. Oprah and Deepak you may be on to something and I am getting on board.

UNEMPLOYMENT!!

Okay...I have been unemployed for the last 12 weeks. I have interviewed and interviewed and interviewed some more. I am so sick of going in and interviewing for the job and not getting it. I get phone calls from the person I have interviewed with saying, "You are great and I/We were really impressed with you but...! That is if they even bother to call me. But, why do you have to tell me that? If I was so great, why didn't you hire me? Then when I ask them can you tell me what you think I could improve on, they seem to be taken aback. "Ummm I don't know" is the typical response I get. You have to know why you didn't hire me. Was it the suit I wore, was it my personality, was it that I didn't have "it" that you were looking for? Tell me something!

I am extremely frustrated right now. All I know is I have bills and a kid and I need money! I am having sleepless nights because I am worried how I am going to pay this bill or that bill. I am just sick and fucking tired of trying! I am sick of feeling inadequate and insignificant. I am just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Can this life end already?!