Alexandre

I can't tell you how distraught and upset I am right now. I was told today that because of some dumb asses kidnapping kids jeopardized my opportunity to adopt Alexandre. They are going to place him in an orphanage, but they are not sure yet which one. No matter how much I cried and begged it had no affect. I told them I would submit to home studies, could get recommendations from friends, family and coworkers, but to no avail. The Haitian government is not going to do any new adoptions for a year. The Haitian government is putting on a good front of protecting their children, when in all actuality they really couldn't give a damn. If you could see the squalor these children live in, you would know Haiti doesn't care and hasn't cared for a long time. The children are starving, lack receiving any kind of affection and lack any type of education. They are just waiting, but not really sure what they are waiting for. There are sooo many kids here, who are unwanted and/or orphaned. You smile at them and they come running. You give them a hug and they belong to you for life. They just want someone to love them...no toys, no games, just love and affection is all it takes for them.

We, the United States and other countries, are raising millions of dollars to help the victims of the earthquake, but where is that money going to go? Is it going to help the Haitian citizens? Is it going to help the babies and children in the orphanages? Or is it going to line the pockets of the Haitian government officials?

Alexandre is going to get lost in the "orphan" system and it kills me to thing about it. He already cries when I am out of his sight. He has become just as attached to me as I am to him. I know he is but one child in Haiti, but he is going to be one more child waiting for the unknown. I am not sure if I will be able to keep track of him, in order to adopt him in a year, because they are going to move him once I leave. I can't leave my baby here. I can't leave him to get "lost" in a faulty system. I know there is nothing I can do at this point and I feel helpless and hopeless. I have cried all day and can hardly work. My team is giving me the sad looks and I'm sorries, but it is not making me feel better. I am feeling bitter and resentful that I didn't erect my emotional wall like everyone else did. But looking in the faces of these children, it was impossible for me to do so. I love passing out hugs along with the hurts because it makes it better for the kids. Kids love so unconditionally, that I find it difficult to not love or care for them back.

So, on Thursday morning as I board the plane to return to my luxurious life, I have to leave behind the baby that I come to think of as my son, Alexandre. I don't know if I will be able to do it without breaking down. I came to Haiti on a medical mission, but will leave here a very changed person