Halloween

To say I like Halloween is an understatement of sorts. A lot of my friends don't participate in Halloween activities because of the thought that it is celebrating evil. In Catholic Doctrine, Halloween came about as all Hallow's eve(All Soul's Day), which is a MAJOR holy day and precursor to All Saints Day (Nov 1). On All Soul's Day, you pray for the dead and their souls, so if they are in Purgatory (the space between heaven and hell), they will go to heaven because of our prayers and pentence for them.

So all Soul's Day is a day of prayer and repentance for Catholics. According to my catechism classes, you dress up as the person who died to celebrate their lives and pray for them. Of course, American's had to commercialize it and make it into a day of making money instead of what it really is, a day of prayer for your dearly departed. I buy into the part of the commercialization by dressing up in costumes and passing out candy, well eating the candy I am supposed to be passing out. I love seeing the kids dressed up in their costumes and parading about the neighborhood asking for treats. It provides an opportunity to pretend to be something fun for the day.

This me having fun in my costume

This year Halloween took on a new meaning for me. I prayed for by abuela who passed away and prayed that she will help me to not grieve so much for her, to not miss her so much. It hasn't worked yet, but I am hoping it will soon.

Who am I?

I swiped this from my girl, Reese, who swipped it from her girl Dez.

You Are Most Like Miranda! While you've had your fair share of romance, men don't come first Guys are a distant third to your friends and career. And this independence *is* attractive to some men, in measured doses. Remember that if you imagine the best outcome, it might just happen. Romantic prediction: Someone from your past is waiting to reconnect... But you'll have to think of him differently, if you want things to work. Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You Most Like? Take This Quiz Right Now! Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. I thought I was Samantha, but I guess not.

Grief

Over the past few days I have experienced a grief that words cannot describe. My wonderful abuela died on October 13th. I feel like a piece of me has been ripped from my body and lays bleeding on the ground. I have never known such sorrow, such anguish. One minute she is there, the next she isn't. I don't know...I just feel like there are times I can't stand being in my own skin because I miss her so much. I feel such anger that other people have their grandparents there but mine is gone. It sounds so ridiculous as I write this, but it is the way I feel.

People have been calling me to tell me how sorry they are for my loss and I truly appreciate that. But, I feel like a wound that has the scab torn off with each word they say. They talk about their memories of her and what a great person she was...past tense...was...and I feel like screaming, "Please, you are killing me with each word!" It all sounds so selfish and petty. This has all felt like a dream, really a nightmare. I keep expecting to hear her voice calling out to me to bring her a pop. Or she and my daughter screaming at each other. It used to drive me crazy, man do I want to hear that now.

My abuela was a wonderful person. Of course not without her faults, but who of us don't have faults. But overall, she was a very caring, loving, and generous person. I will miss her overwhelmingly so, with EVERY fiber of my being.

Nana I love you and will cherish your memory throughout my life!

What Personality am I?

I got this from my chica Karla

Kim took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Defiantly opposes any sort of restriction or oppos..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Office Space Character

I got this quiz from my girl Reese.

You are "the Bobs".

You are basically in a position of power. With the
ability to fire people at will, you can make
them do almost anything you want. Like forcing
someone to lie about their true feelings for
adult contemporary artists.


Which Office Space Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

My Grandmother

When I wrote my previous posts about grandmothers it was prior to my grandmother becoming ill. How ironic is that? For the past 5 days my abuela has been fighting for her life. She has been in and out of the hospital for the past 3 months. She goes in and she comes back out. This week has been different. I have come to the shocking realization that she is not going to live forever. In the back of my mind I thought she would be with me always. I don't think she is coming out of the hospital this time. As much as I want her to, I don't think she is. She has Congestive Heart Failure, Ephysema, and now they have found tumors in her abdomen.

She has been with me for all the majors in my life. First communion, first dance, first cotillion, wedding day, birth of my baby....every first she has been there. She taught me how to ride my bicycle. My parents didn't have time. When I sent the summer in New Orleans she told them to bring my bike. They did and she taught me how to ride it. She didn't get on the side and run like most of my friends' parents did. She talked me through it. She said, " Okay mi amor, you are going to get on the bike, balance it and then pedel as fast as you can." Why is it I can remember that like it happened yesterday. She is always the one that "talks me through things." Sometimes I take her advice and sometimes I didn't. It was the times I didn't that I wished I had. We yell and scream at each other and say mean things to each other but we LOVE each other just as passionately. She was always the one I could turn to in my times of need. She showed me how strong I could be but at the same time supported me in anyway she could.

What am I going to do when she is not there anymore? It so strange to try to think about her not being there. I stood in my shower, sobbing because it hit me that she is going to die. I feel like a piece of me is dying with her. I haven't been dealing with this very well. My own illness is playing a part in why I am not handling this so well.

I have been trying to find a way to say goodbye to her, but I don't think I can. I don't think I ever will. I know I have to think with my head not not my heart, but how do you turn your heart off when you are dealing with someone you love? I have decide to just enjoy everyday I can with her and be happy with the 38 years I have had her in my life. But, I am lonely for her already.

Greg Louganis

When I was a wee girl, I watched the 1976 Olympics. This was a significant year because it was the bicentennial of our country and the year Greg Louganis won the USA's first gold medal in diving. That was the year I had my first crush. I wanted to marry Greg. He was the MAN for me. He was so beautiful. He had the body of a Greek god. The washboard stomach, the muscles the full package. He was the diver I ever seen that wasn't Russian or Chinese. I knew I wanted him.

I know he is gay, but the 9 year old in me doesn't care. He still is poetry in motion on the diving board.

Grandmothers

Today I met my friend's grandma. She invited me over to meet her mom and grandma and to share a meal with them. This friend has turned out to be a God-send but that is another blog

When I walked in and met "Granny", I felt like I was looking in my grandmother's face. Granny was feisty and fun and didn't bite her tongue in any way. She was loving and demanding; the type of demanding that comes with age and wisdom. I felt like I was talking to my grandmother.

Talking with Granny made me realize all grandmothers are they same, no matter what the race. They all think they know what is best for you, sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. They feel they can say ANYTHING to you about you and your life. It isn't important if your feelings are hurt or not; they are telling you because it is for "your own good, M'ija!". Those are universal words.

So give your grandmother a big hug today and tell her you love her!

It's Over for Now

Well I had my surgery on Friday. I survived. I am at home and doing quite well. They took out a 4 pound tumor from my body, 10 centimenters around and they did it laproscopically. The wonders of medicine. It was a benign tumor that started out on my kidney and spread to the muscles on the right side of my back. He was able to keep my kidney and prevent me from being paralyzed. It wasn't cancerous so that is good news, but I still have to have chemotherapy for 3 months. I still hate the fact that I have to have chemo, but it is better than getting a death sentance.

I have to say my oncology surgeon is a hottie. He came from Houston just to do my surgery. He told me that I sent Hurricane Rita to Houston just to make sure he showed up for the surgery. This type of humor put me at ease. The fact that he is GUAPO had absolutely nothing to do with it. I love him! He made me no promises, but gave me hope when I thought there was none.

My boo came from Miami to the hospital and has not left my side. He is always the type to put his job before anything. So let's just say it was a surprise, a VERY pleasant, surprise for me nonetheless. He has been like a rock; my champion when I was having difficulty after the surgery. I thought he wasn't the type I could depend on, but he proved me wrong. Hey Karla, I think the DR men are better!

So it is on to chemotherapy next week. So it is on to hair loss, puking, diarrhea and fatigue. Ain't life WONDERFUL!

Music

Okay...have you ever just LOVED a song so much but you DO NOT know the name of it? Well, I am loving this one reggaeton song, but I can't figure out the name of it. And of course they play it on a brand new station here that doesn't have a DJ yet. I have become obsessed with this song. The only part I know is "Mejor que yo". That is ALL I know. It has a fast beat and then it slows down.

I am appealing to all my Latino people out there...WHAT IS THE NAME OF THAT DAYUM SONG?!

Response to Reese about New Orleans

I wanted to respond to my girl Reese regarding her comments on New Orleans. Reese, have you ever lived there? Have you ever been there when there wasn't a festival or some major convention happening? I have. I lived there for 2 years, so I know what it is like to be there day after day. If you haven't, then you don't KNOW the real New Orleans. You CANNOT go by what you have seen on TV the past few weeks.

New Orleans has survived hundreds of hurricanes since it has been in existance and there was no reason to believe it wouldn't survive this one. The government for whatever reason decided not to spend the needed money to reinforce the levees that surround the city, but that is neither here nor there. It is where it is and I hope it stays. I just hope they decide to build the levees stronger. Every city has poverty and crime and New Orleans isn't any different. In my previous post, I was mourning for the city that I know/knew and love, not discussing the socioeconmics of the city. I could go into the politics of the city, but I won't. It is difficult for someone from the "North" to understand the thoughts and outlook of the people from the "South". We may seem oppressed and out of touch with the progressive ways of the "North", but we like it that way. "Seem" being the operational word.

Reese, yes I hope New Orleans is able to rebuild and be a better city, but I hope in the process that it doesn't lose its "essence" and if that includes poverty and crime then so be it. Washington, DC has the highest division of socio-economic differences, with very little "middle ground", so you should look in your own backyard first for changes. By the way, Miami has a HIGH crime rate too, but you were willing to move there, so you need to give New Orleans a break.

I love New Orleans the way it was and I am mourning for my city that I love and KNOW very well!

New Orleans

Hurricane Katrina from space

It has taken me a while to talk about what has happened in New Orleans. I have truly been in shock and dismayed by what has happened there. My grandparents used to live there and my grandmother still owns the house there, so New Orleans has very special meaning for me. I have been deeply saddened and upset by it all. I think the media showed too much of what was going on there, but me, like many other people, was glued to the TV. I would sob every time they would show the streets where I played with my cousins as a kid, the streets where I watched my first Mardi Gras Parades, the place where I got married to young, had my first job as a nurse at Charity Hospital, and the streets where I had my first alcoholic drink. Yes, I rank my first alcoholic beverage right up there with all my significant firsts! I remember every Sunday was brunch, beignets, hot chocolate and cafe au laits after Mass. Cafe du Monde, a sidewalk cafe reminisant of a Parisian cafe, has survived many a hurricane. Will it survive this one? My heart breaks everytime I think about it. The memories running through my head like a movie. I can't stop them and I don't really want to because that might be all I have left of the city I love so much.

What happened to the city that held so much joy for me? Right after Hurricane Katrina, I was worried about my family members that are still there. Some had left town on Saturday, but most stayed behind because they thought they could "ride" it out. No word from them for days. What scary moments those were. My grand uncle, who is 76 years old, walked the 80 miles from New Orleans to Baton Rouge, with his family. He refused to go to the Superdome, which I am so glad he refused, after hearing all the vicious things that occurred there. He said that if he survived World War II, he was going to be damned if he died in a Hurricane. He always kept 5 or 6 backpacks filled with MREs, water, flashlights, and first aid kits. Everyone laughed at him, but who is laughing now?! He survived, he and his family. No one really thought this hurricane would be a bad one. They thought it would be like all the hurricanes before. But Katrina surprised us all.

All of my family survived and are in safe places, but I think about those that didn't. I have some disappointment with the response of the government, but not overwhelming anger. I am pissed that they didn't carry out the disaster plan they created, specifically with New Orleans in mind. Why didn't they?! It was all outlined what needed to happen. Isn't it better to be safe than sorry, like we all are now? What was the point of doing all those exercises and drills? Was it a waste of tax payer money and volunteer time? I am beginning to think so. It makes me wonder are we safe from the so called terrorists. All that planning, will it be a waste of time should another September 11 occur?
Here are some pictures of my favorite places in New Orleans, that hold my fondest memories.

Bourbon Street

Natchez Riverboat on the Mississippi River

St.Louis Cathedral in the Vieux Carre

Super Dome

I pray that it can get back to it's former glory and distinction. I have plenty more Mardi Gras Parades, Jazz Festivals and Bayou Classics to attention. I LOVE YOU NEW ORLEANS!!

It will be okay!

My surgery has been rescheduled for Friday, September 23rd. The pain is killing me. The tumor on my kidney has attached itself on the nerves and muscles in my back. So, I have the possibility of being paralyzed also. Supposedly it is a day surgery with an overnight hospital stay. Then the next week will be the beginning of chemotherapy. It is a bit scary...well hell... a lot scary! I am trying REALLY hard to believe it will all be okay. It really isn't the surgery that scares me; it is AFTER surgery. I HATE chemo. To me, it is worse than the disease. The puking, the hair falling out, the dry, crazy looking skin, looking like death walking. I HATE being sick, feeling bad all the time. Is it worth it? It is all crappy! Then I am told I may have to do radiation therapy too. What da F?? Oh man, that in itself is enough to make me say forget it. I will take my chances. But I know I have to do everything I can to make it. I have a kid to finish raising, so I have to face my fears and do what I have to do.
It will be okay!

Miami Pics

Here are some of the pics from my Miami trip back in August. I had so much fun. It was so relaxing and refreshing. I am trying to plan the next trip. October/November is looking good to me.


Sailing This picture makes me wish I could be on that boat sailing away


Ocean Breezes My beach chair and umbrella kept the breezes coming


Grouchy's Pretend Baby This was the cutest little girl ever


View from my hotel room Fountainbleu Hotel...I will be back soon


Grouchy in a smiley moment No she isn't topless!















Me taking a nip of Mango Rum on the Beach...The good stuff...Cruzan














Our pretend house in Miami...I will have one of those for real one day!

I'M BACK...AGAIN!!

Okay. I finally broke down and purchased a new desktop computer. My laptop is still messed up, but I needed something to get online!

I am doing good. I am staying positive and trying to be hopeful. Houston wasn't so bad. I am going to have to have surgery to remove the tumor. Then it is chemo again. I wasn't given much hope, but at least this doctor is willing to try.

All of this is going to take place the first week in October. So be thinking about me on October 5th.

Tupac

Most of my friends know about my obsession with Tupac Shakur. When I am tipsy, oh hell, let's just say drunk...I listen to his Greatest Hits CD continuously. Needless to say I have to rap to the pieces that I know.

Today, I decided to listen to his CD on my way to work. I usually don't because I get angry and then I will be a pissed off sista all day at work. But today was different. I was listening to "Keep Your Head Up" and I started sobbing in my car. It was like he was talking directly to me. I have heard this song I know a million times but it was like today was the first time I really "heard" the words. I feel like I have been struggling for so long. Now things are soooo much better for me, financially and emotionally, and here I am "sick" again. But today Tupac was telling me to stay strong and don't give up.

I was depressed most of the weekend. Feeling sorry for myself and my situation. I felt like why should I keep fighting, when it may or may not work. I think the anxiety of not knowing "what" they are going to do when I go to Houston and then what will happen when I come back home is starting to get to me. I am usually not this pessimistic but this time I am having a hard time dealing with it all.

But I am going to try to do as Tupac says...Keep my head up and keep going even when I am knocked down.

Karla Got me AGAIN!!

Seven Things I…Plan to Do Before I Die: This one is a little bittersweet
1.) Travel to Cuba to walk where my grandparents walked before me
2.) Hang with the Original Sucias from the retreat again(You know who you are), including Karla, Trina and Shelley
3.) Meet Ann Richards
4.) Have a decent conversation with my mother
5.) Stop working but still have money to live on
6.) Own a House
7.) Be on South Beach when I close my eyes for the final time

Things I Can Do:
1.) Cook
2.) Not talk for hours
3.) Sew and knit...anything crafty
4.) Dance
5.) Listen to my friends' problems
6.) LOVE easily
7.) CARE TOO MUCH at times

Things I Can’t Do:
1.) Ask for help when I need it
2.) Live without my cell phone
3.) Keep a big balance in my checking account
4.) Hang up curtains in my house
5.) Say no to my daughter
6.) Drive Slow - I have a lead foot
7.) Live without my computer

Things I say most:
1.) That sucks
2.) Shit
3.) the F word
4.) Whatever man
5.) YEAH MAN!!
6.) GEEZ!!
7.) GURRRRLLLL PUHLEEZE

Now I tag Shelley, Tannia, Gloria, and Daashar

Something about me

Since I have depressed everyone in the Blog world...I thought I would put up something fun today. I will be putting up my Miami pictures as soon as I get to a computer that works in my house. I still don't have my laptop working, but that is another blog!

Here is a little something about me:

1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A SECOND HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
Hmmm .... It is hard to decide but I am going to go for Miami...It is international feeling without being out of the USA.

2. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
Anything baggy.

3. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT?
Emancipation of Mimi!! I am LOVING that CD

4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
I don't sleep! But when I do, 6:30 am

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?
Adventures in Babysitting and Clueless

6. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Guitar

7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
Purple

8. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV?
SUV - RANGE ROVER!!

9. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE?
Sometimes

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK?
Chicken Little...You know..."The sky is falling, the sky is falling!!" LMAO

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Spring/Summer

12. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Lie detector power

13. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?
I had a partial tattoo of a butterfly but I had it taken off. That is how all my problems started!

14. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
If you are talking about objects, NO...but if you are talking about time, YES

15. THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO?My husband, Rod

16. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
Saturday

17. SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
Hey I am from Texas, so it is definitely HAMBURGER

18. FAVORITE FLOWER?
Daisies

19. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
YES!!

20. WHAT WOULD BE YOUR DREAM JOB?
Having enough money to not HAVE to work any kind of JOB!!

21. FAVORITE MEAL?
Fried Chicken, Mashed potatos and green beans

Now I tag Gloria, Grouchy, Jo, Karla, Shelley, Tannia, and Reese. And Reese you HAVE to tag someone!! lol

Besos Mis amigas!

Untitled!!

Here is the latest on me. I just spoke to my oncologist and she has decided to send me to Houston to the M.D.Anderson Cancer Center. The problem is that she does know what kind I have and MD is better equipped to take care of me. I will be going there on next Friday to see what kind of treatment they can provide.

I am going to have to fly back and forth from Dallas to Houston, which will be a pain in the A**, but I will get some good frequent flyer miles. :) I can plan my next beach trip.

So let's hope they can give me something more positive news. Chemo is worse than the disease itself. It is an awful process and I hope I don't have to do it again, but I guess I will if they recommend it. I guess I am getting ahead of myself.

I will just wait and see what happens next.

Trip to Regroup

I am in sunny Miami right now. I came here on Friday night. I had been planning this trip for about a month. But as I got my bad news about my...and I can't even say it...I decided to take this trip as a way to regroup and refresh myself to get ready for the battle I know I have coming up.

I went to go see my guy, who lives there, but he had to go on a last minute trip to Spain. Grouchy was in Miami and we just hung out together. Each of us with our own personal battles to deal with. But is was nice to be there with a friend.

As I sat on the beach earlier this morning, I thought how beautiful this place is, how revitalizing it can be. The ocean is so healing. It makes me feel like anything is possible when I look at the beauty of the ocean. I will post pictures later.

I am getting ready to head back to Texas and my life there, but it is GREAT to forget about your problems around the ocean.

Karla, girl, I didn't see any good men in MIA this time, but I am going to keep looking for you. LMAO...I am going to find you a nice Cubano, in exchange for your GUAPO primo! LOL.

Back to the real world and my life.