Pensamientos

Alexandre

2010-02-02T17:19:00.005-06:00

I can't tell you how distraught and upset I am right now. I was told today that because of some dumb asses kidnapping kids jeopardized my opportunity to adopt Alexandre. They are going to place him in an orphanage, but they are not sure yet which one. No matter how much I cried and begged it had no affect. I told them I would submit to home studies, could get recommendations from friends, family and coworkers, but to no avail. The Haitian government is not going to do any new adoptions for a year. The Haitian government is putting on a good front of protecting their children, when in all actuality they really couldn't give a damn. If you could see the squalor these children live in, you would know Haiti doesn't care and hasn't cared for a long time. The children are starving, lack receiving any kind of affection and lack any type of education. They are just waiting, but not really sure what they are waiting for. There are sooo many kids here, who are unwanted and/or orphaned. You smile at them and they come running. You give them a hug and they belong to you for life. They just want someone to love them...no toys, no games, just love and affection is all it takes for them.

We, the United States and other countries, are raising millions of dollars to help the victims of the earthquake, but where is that money going to go? Is it going to help the Haitian citizens? Is it going to help the babies and children in the orphanages? Or is it going to line the pockets of the Haitian government officials?

Alexandre is going to get lost in the "orphan" system and it kills me to thing about it. He already cries when I am out of his sight. He has become just as attached to me as I am to him. I know he is but one child in Haiti, but he is going to be one more child waiting for the unknown. I am not sure if I will be able to keep track of him, in order to adopt him in a year, because they are going to move him once I leave. I can't leave my baby here. I can't leave him to get "lost" in a faulty system. I know there is nothing I can do at this point and I feel helpless and hopeless. I have cried all day and can hardly work. My team is giving me the sad looks and I'm sorries, but it is not making me feel better. I am feeling bitter and resentful that I didn't erect my emotional wall like everyone else did. But looking in the faces of these children, it was impossible for me to do so. I love passing out hugs along with the hurts because it makes it better for the kids. Kids love so unconditionally, that I find it difficult to not love or care for them back.

So, on Thursday morning as I board the plane to return to my luxurious life, I have to leave behind the baby that I come to think of as my son, Alexandre. I don't know if I will be able to do it without breaking down. I came to Haiti on a medical mission, but will leave here a very changed person

Books!

2009-05-27T09:26:00.003-05:00

Everyone who knows me, knows I LOVE BOOKS! I love reading them! I am a voracious reader, probably an addict if you think about it. When I was a kid my mother would take me to the library on Saturday mornings. That was the one "activity" we did together. We would be in the library for hours. I would have 20 books to check out at one time. And I would read them all during the week and would be ready for more the next Saturday. When my daughter started preschool, I continued the tradition of going to the library with her on Saturdays.

I read all kinds of books. It does not matter the genre...Romance (a fave), chick lit, mysteries, biographies (another fave), cookbooks, crafting/knitting books. Anything and everything, I read it!! I was recently introduced to Young Adult books. My daughter told me about the Twilight saga. I loved it! I am hoping Stefenie Meyer decides to write Midnight Sun. But that is another commentary. I spend about $100 per month on books. I am members of the Barnes and Noble and Borders discount "clubs". That is how serious I am about books. I hate to admit it that I have been known to buy books from...gasp...WALMART!! Anywhere to get a discount!!

Back to the point of this post. One of my favorite books is Dirty Girls Social Club. When I read that book, I was absolutely engaged with the characters. The author, Alisa Valdez Rodriguez, wrote with such passion and description, that I felt the characters were real. She described "Black" Latinas, like me, with such logical reality. I don't know any other way to put it. I had felt like I was all alone in this world...well, I should say in Texas, where Mexicans are the majority of Hispanics. Being a Cuban in Texas is hard, especially being an AfroCuban in Texas. I would get stupid comments like, how is it that a "Black" girl can speak Spanish? How you think, fool?? I digress. I absolutely LOVED this book. I could relate to all the characters, particularly Usnavys. So when the announcement was made that the author would be writing a sequel to the Sucias, I was so excited!!

I just read the book, Dirty Girls on Top. Let's just say, disappointment cannot not even describe my feelings on this book. The characters were destroyed. They became shallow, superficial characters, that were in the previous book, rich and all encompassing. I feel sad that the Sucias are no longer the characters I remembered. The only thing that doesn't piss me off about the book, is the fact that I got it for $2.00 at the local half price bookstore! The book seemed like it was just thrown together, without any thought. It was almost as if the author hated the characters and wanted to just "kill" them off because she was tired of them. I don't know. But I was sad when I finished reading it. I was so looking forward to reading it but now I wish she had just left us with just the first book.

Now I have gotten into Young Adult fiction. Twilight, Vampire Academy, and the House of Night series. So maybe I should say Young Adult paranormal fiction. I have to say young readers have it so much better than I did. The books are intense and fabulously written. I have to say I have been enjoying these books more than "Adult" fiction. Although, I can't put down a good romance. Yay Francis Ray, Rochelle Alers and Brenda Jackson.

So my summer will be spent with hopefully good books and good knitting!

Happy Reading!

Parenting

2009-03-30T12:21:00.004-05:00

Parenting is easily the most difficult job in the world. There is no procedure manual to guide you. At least at work you have a handbook, or a policy and procedure book available. As a parent, it is all trial and error. And let me say it is mostly error!!

I thought when my daughter made it to 18 that my job would be done, but it seems I have an extended contract. It seems that she doesn't plan on leaving home. I have made it too comfortable for her. She wants to stay forever. I remember at her age, I couldn't wait until I could get out of the house. Not her!! I feel like a complete failure as a parent. Did I not invoke the "get out the house at 18" message loud enough? She wants to stay home and attend college. NOOOOO!!! Don't you want to live in the dorm or sorority house and be independent?! "No", she says, "I want to stay with you forever!" WHY?!! What did I do wrong?! My daughter and I have a great relationship. We talk about any and everything. Some things I don't want to know, but I listen because I am happy she feels comfortable to tell me. I never had that relationship with my mother. So maybe I did do something right.

I have stopped going to the soccer games in freaking cold weather, freezing my bum off, because she can drive herself now. Her feelings are hurt. She says she can't play if I am not there! What? Why the hell not? She tells me don't you care about how I play? Ummm no not really! I just did it before because I had to, now you are on your own sister!

Aww well, I guess I can't complain too much because I have raised a child who is basically a great person, woman. She loves me unconditionally. Hopefully she won't put me in a "home" when I get old!

Random day

2009-02-04T14:32:00.003-06:00

I was talking to my significant other today and I realized this man REALLY, REALLY LOVES me! I knew he loved me but didn't know he LOVED me for me. He said something to me today that just floored me. He said that he would die for me and that I was a part of him, a part of his soul. Just out of the blue like that he says it. We were talking about something totally unrelated. Not that I would want him to die for me, but just the thought that someone has such strong feelings for me really took me aback. We have been going back in forth in our relationship for a long time. Together, apart, together, apart...and so it goes.

He cheated on me with the biggest skank ever and I have had a really hard time forgiving him. I believe I have forgiven him, but it is the forgetting part that I have been having problems with. He has apologized in every way he could think of, but I couldn't get past it for a long time. I know it was because of my body image issues and she was BEAUTIFUL on the outside but disgusting on the inside. But I felt so wronged by it all that I had to bury my feelings, in order to get past the pain. He always tells me that I am unemotional, but what he doesn't realize is that I am emotional, but I have to bury the emotions or I will be truly out of control.

I started working on my weight and improving how I felt about myself and he didn't like that. He felt I was getting "sexy" (and believe me I am no where near sexy now) for someone else. Who the hell else was there but him?! I couldn't convince him of that, so we were apart again. But even when we were apart, we always talked; maybe not everyday, but at least twice a week. So we are always drawn together.

A few months ago we decided we were too old to deal with the BS any longer, either we were together or we would cut it off completely. Around the time we had this conversation, I started having heart and blood pressure problems, and wonders of wonders he did too. I mean literally when my heart would be racing, he would call me and says his was about to come out of his chest. I mean is that a coincidence, kismit or what? Everytime I had a spike in my blood pressure, he did too, at the same time. We took that as a sign that we were supposed to be together, destined for each other. It was really strange that once we spoke to each other or saw each other, our hearts would calm down and go back to normal. We are totally in sync.

So in July 2009, I am packing it up and moving to Miami to be with my heart! Maybe between the two of us we can get our hearts on the same beat! :)

Music

2009-02-03T14:31:00.007-06:00

For the past few months I have been in a really bad place, mentally and physically. Before I lost 160 pounds, I was fairly healthy. It seems like since I have lost all the weight, I have been falling apart. So when I fall apart the thing I turn to is music.

I love all kinds of music. I can truly say I have eclectic taste in music. I am just amazed at how different songs can cause different emotions within me. I was listening to my iPod and Sade "Stronger than Pride" came on; it caused me to think about past loves and how I lowered my pride and my standards time after time because of my man at the time. Then "Reminisce" by Pete Rock came on and I thought about when I spent a summer in NYC (Brooklyn) with my grandmother's sister. That was fun and scary for a chick from Texas. Next was Dido with "Thank You" and it reminded me of the good parts of love. Your man meeting you at the door with a drink or comforting words after a rough day. Nothing better than that. Those feelings you have when everything is good with you and your partner. Linkin Park's "In the End", that song just screams out that no matter how hard you try, it sometimes means nothing to anyone. Taylor Swift's "Love Song" reminds me of my first love, talking on the phone all night,and first kisses. That sweet first love. Ne-Yo's "Miss Independent"...that is my theme song. I am independent, maybe too much so. Reggaeton just makes me want to dance. It reminds me of when I was a kid dancing around with my grandparents. Being carefree and happy! Moving with the beat or allowing the beat to move me. Of course, anything from the 80's is on my playlist.

Music has helped me and continues to help me with what seems to be a constant struggle that is my life. Music has saved my life so many times and it continues to strengthen me. So to all the musicians and songwriters out there...Thanks!!

Much Ado

2008-06-29T10:28:00.002-05:00

I haven't blogged because I just haven't had much to say lately. I feel like I need to write something, but why is that? I don't know. I feel obligated to write something because I have saved this little bit of space in the cyber world.

Just an update: I was laid off from my job in April, then found a new job in May. Hate the new job. It is so beneath me, but I need something to pay the bills. That is how I am trying to look at things. I am not the least big challenged. So, needless to say I am looking again. I always feel like I can't find a job that fits me and makes me happy. This job I am with has it's perks- I get a company car and company gas card. But that is about it. I feel like I have stepped back into Mayberry RFD. They have NO HR processes in effect. They go by the wims of the CEO/President of the company. It is just a hot mess.

Next update: The girl did not pass the Math and Science TAKS (Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills) tests. She needs to pass both parts of this test so she can graduate from high school. This whole process has pissed me off and frustrated me and her. I mean she could have an A in a class but if she doesn't pass this series of exit exams, then she doesn't graduate. It just sucks!! It has stressed me out so much that it is affecting my blood pressure. So now I am on blood pressure medication. I am trying to calm it down. I have been knitting more and more to try to focus on other things. I made a major layette set for one of my former co workers who is pregnant; blanket, bib, booties, mary jane booties, hat, cardigan, and hand mits. But it still didn't help as much as I had hoped.

Well that is my life for now. I will try to visit blog land more frequently.

Memorial Day

2008-05-26T08:36:00.004-05:00

I have been feeling just a general melancholy that I hadn't felt in a long time. I woke up and realized that I have been feeling anger and sadness because it is Memorial Day. I am a "war" widow from the first Gulf War. My husband died December 22, 1990. He did not get to see his child born 2 months later, he did not get to see her first steps, he will not get to teach her how to drive; the list goes on. We did not get to buy our first home together, all because of a senseless war in the 90's. It seems like it never ended for me. When I think about this Iraq War, I feel such anger and rage, that is indescribable. I want to go scream on the tallest building, letting the world know what I feel. My husband was an intellectual. He LOVED learning. He loved school. He just wanted to make a difference in the world with his knowledge. He used the military to get his bachelors, masters, and Ph.D degrees. He did not want to have thousands of dollars in school loans, so the military was a viable option for him. He was able to work on several projects that are still helping soldiers today, however, that brings me little comfort today.

I did not sign up to be a single parent. We purposefully waited 5 years into our marriage to get pregnant. I wanted to finish my bachelors degree and he wanted to finish his masters degree. We waited so we could do it together. As only children, we wanted at least 2 children. I have been robbed of that opportunity. So much I didn't get to do with him because it was always, later, after he retired or later after things settle down. Later never happened for us. The only thing that happened later was military uniforms showing up at my door, telling me my man had been killed stepping on a landmine and there was basically nothing left of him. I guess what also angers me to no end, is the fact that I have no grave to visit, I have no urn with ashes because there was NOTHING LEFT of him! There was no sign that he was ever on this earth except for the life that he and I created together.

So today, I have to deal with looking at mothers, wives, husbands, being told their loved one has been killed in this senseless war. Then we have the people that seem to have forgotten what this day is all about. Everyone pulls out their grills and has a party, but what are they celebrating? Yes, it is great to have a party, but let's remember what we are "celebrating" or remembering...Our fallen soldiers. That is what Memorial Day is about.

When will it ever end? Will we ever stop this war? When will it be over...the senseless killing over oil...or is this really about oil? Does anyone really know why we are at war? I feel like we are stuck there now and if we leave, we will have destroyed a country that isn't ours. I fully support the troops that are there, but I am angry about us even being there. Let's get out as soon as we can to save more grief and sadness for other people.

Rev Jeremiah Wright, Obama's pastor

2008-03-29T10:56:00.003-05:00

This is a copy of the letter Rev. Jeremiah Wright wrote to the New York Times. I find it amazing that this letter hasn't been broadcast all over the place. But of course not! I have forgotten what country I live in!

March 11, 2007

Jodi Kantor
The New York Times
9 West 43rd Street
New York,New York 10036-3959

Dear Jodi:

Thank you for engaging in one of the biggest misrepresentations of the truth I have ever seen in sixty-five years. You sat and shared with me for two hours. You told me you were doing a "Spiritual Biography" of Senator Barack Obama. For two hours, I shared with you how I thought he was the most principled individual in public service that I have ever met.For two hours, I talked with you about how idealistic he was. For two hours I shared with you what a genuine human being he was. I told you how incredible he was as a man who was an African American in public service, and as a man who refused to announce his candidacy for President until Carol Moseley Braun indicated one way or the other whether or not she was going to run.I told you what a dreamer he was.

I told you how idealistic he was. We talked about how refreshing it would be for someone who knew about Islam to be in the Oval Office. Your own question to me was, Didn't I think it would be incredible to have somebody in the Oval Office who not only knew about Muslims, but had living and breathing Muslims in his own family? I told you how important it would be to have a man who not only knew the difference between Shiites and Sunnis prior to 9/11/01 in the Oval Office, but also how important it would be to have a man who knew what Sufism was; a man who understood that there were different branches of Judaism; a man who knew the difference between Hasidic Jews, Orthodox Jews, Conservative Jews and Reformed Jews; and a man who was a devout Christian, but who did not prejudge others because they believed something other than what he believed.

I talked about how rare it was to meet a man whose Christianity was not just "in word only." I talked about Barack being a person who lived his faith and did not argue his faith. I talked about Barack as a person who did not draw doctrinal lines in the sand nor consign other people to hell if they did not believe what he believed.Out of a two-hour conversation with you about Barack's spiritual journey and my protesting to you that I had not shaped him nor formed him, that I had not mentored him or made him the man he was, even though I would love to take that credit, you did not print any of that. When I told you, using one of your own Jewish stories from the Hebrew Bible as to how God asked Moses, "What is that in your hand?," that Barack was like that when I met him. Barack had it "in his hand." Barack had in his grasp a uniqueness in terms of his spiritual development that one is hard put to find in the 21st century, and you did not print that.

As I was just starting to say a moment ago, Jodi, out of two hours of conversation I spent approximately five to seven minutes on Barack's taking advice from one of his trusted campaign people and deeming it unwise to make me the media spotlight on the day of his announcing his candidacy for the Presidency and what do you print? You and your editor proceeded to present to the general public a snippet, a printed "sound byte" and a titillating and tantalizing article about his disinviting me to the Invocation on the day of his announcing his candidacy.

I have never been exposed to that kind of duplicitous behavior before, and I want to write you publicly to let you know that I do not approve of it and will not be party to any further smearing of the name, the reputation, the integrity or the character of perhaps this nation's first (and maybe even only) honest candidate offering himself for public service as the person to occupy the Oval Office.Your editor is a sensationalist. For you to even mention that makes me doubt your credibility, and I am looking forward to see how you are going to butcher what else I had to say concerning Senator Obama's "Spiritual Biography."

Our Conference Minister, the Reverend Jane Fisler Hoffman, a white woman who belongs to a Black church that Hannity of "Hannity and Colmes" is trying to trash, set the record straight for you in terms of who I am and in terms of who we are as the church to which Barack has belonged for over twenty years.The president of our denomination, the Reverend John Thomas, has offered to try to help you clarify in your confused head what Trinity Church is even though you spent the entire weekend with us setting me up to interview me for what turned out to be a smear of the Senator; and yet The New York Times continues to roll on making the truth what it wants to be the truth.

I do not remember reading in your article that Barack had apologized for listening to that bad information and bad advice. Did I miss it? Or did your editor cut it out? Either way, you do not have to worry about hearing anything else from me for you to edit or "spin" because you are more interested in journalism than in truth.Forgive me for having a momentary lapse. I forgot that The New York Times was leading the bandwagon in trumpeting why it is we should have gone into an illegal war. The New York Times became George Bush and the Republican Party's national "blog." The New York Times played a role in the outing of Valerie Plame. I do not know why I thought The New York Times had actually repented and was going to exhibit a different kind of behavior.Maybe it was my faith in the Jewish Holy Day of Roshashana. Maybe it was my being caught up in the euphoria of the Season of Lent; but whatever it is or was, I was sadly mistaken. There is no repentance on the part of The New York Times.

There is no integrity when it comes to The Times. You should do well with that paper, Jodi. You looked me straight in my face and told me a lie!

Sincerely and respectfully yours,

Reverend Jeremiah A. Wright, Jr., Senior Pastor
Trinity United Church of Christ

My Job in a new light

2008-03-28T18:39:00.004-05:00

I was supposed to be off from work today, but my manager told me he NEEDED me to come in today. So I told him I would but just for a few hours. So I get up and go to work. There is ALWAYS drama there! The people act worse than high schoolers. Telling on each other, complaining about one thing or another. It is just draining! I walk in today and once again, I am slammed with complainers before I can even get to my office. Oh by the way, I am a HR Manager. So the whiners attack with their complaints and problems. I just wasn't in the mood for it. Oh and somehow they have gotten my cell phone number!! WTF!! So I walk to my office feeling more pissed off than ever. My manager comes in and says it is time for your annual review. WHAT?! I have only been with the organization for 3 months. So he goes over my review, which overall was VERY good. Then he says, we get to the finance part of it. I was like what do you mean finances? He says "oh you didn't know?" Ummm know what?? I got a raise AND a MAJOR BONUS!! Can i tell you that my outlook on my job has completely changed?! I was totally shocked. My manager recognized how hard I have been working and actually said he appreciated it. It made me feel sooo much better. I still have to work on the whiners, but with a few more cho chos in my pocket, I can handle anything!! :)

I have lost my mind!!

2008-03-28T18:17:00.002-05:00

I want to make a blanket for myself. I have been making things for everyone else, so I figured now is the time to make something for me. I have been wanting to visit this yarn store in my neighborhood for the past year. I finally took the time today to go and visit. I LOVED this place. It had every kind of yarn you could think of. I usually go to Hobby Lobby, Michael's, or Joann to get my yarn, but usually these yarns are synthetic and don't always feel good on the skin. They are less expensive but don't feel as good. Synthetic yarns are made usually from petroleum products, which as you know, are endangering the environment. I wanted to try some REAL yarn...something natural and made organically, less harmful to the environment. I found it at this yarn shop!!

Okay here is the part where I have lost my mind. I bought 8 skeins of yard for $145.00. See I have lost my mind!! I don't know what I was thinking when I said okay I'll take it. I had immediate buyers remorse. The yarn feels so good and I know it will make me a great blanket but oh man it is so expensive. I am thinking of taking it all back and just buying my cheaper yarn. But oh I am so sad to part with this yarn. Should I or should I not take it back?!!

Okay this is getting ugly!

2008-03-17T08:55:00.004-05:00

So now Obama is having to denounce his minister because of what his minister said in church?! WHAT?! I am confused. Since when did someone else's thoughts become yours, if you are just listening to what they are saying? Is this part of the Clinton political machine to discredit Obama? Should we all be penalized because of what someone else said, in a classroom, in church, at work? I am really upset by all of this. The Clintons were at the top of my list for great people, but now I am not so sure. I mean was Bill's presidency all a ruse? He did a great job while president, but did he lie to all of us to get there? It appears he did...are the true Bill and Hillary coming out? I am so disappointed by how this election is going on the democratic side of things. I am FULLY supporting Obama, but I am afraid all this democratic politicking is going to back fire and we will have McCain in office...then it will be 4 more years of hell! It was formally announced on Friday, March 14th, that we were in a recession. Where the hell have they been?!! We have been in a dayum recession for the past 7 years. People are losing their homes that they have worked really hard for because of a stupid ass war! I am so fed up! People don't have health insurance and are having to file for bankruptcy, which the laws are completely ludicrous, but that is another blog. I am just tired of how the United States treats its citizens and I am afraid that we may possibly be stuck with another republican in the White House and we will have a full fledge depression.
VOTE PEOPLE! Make your voices heard!

Parents

2008-03-16T08:35:00.001-05:00

My parents. Wow what can I say! Growing up they were strict as hell! They were always saying what I couldn't do, which outnumbered the things I could do. I felt oppressed and stifled. Good grades were a must, nothing under a B. I was lucky, because learning came easy for me. I didn't realize the adversity they were struggling with. Surviving in the late 60's and 70's was hard, but to come from another country in addition to that was extra hard. As I know now. They did the best they could with me. I ran away from them at 17, through marriage. Too YOUNG!! But I wanted to be on my own and life without someone telling me NO all the time. Now, I see, as a parent, what they were trying to protect me from...LIFE! My parents have been married for 42 years...43 in July of this year. Their marriage has survived domestic violence, economic recession, discrimination, infidelity, and time. They have done what most people today can't do...stick together no matter what. I don't know what the difference in marriage now as opposed to then, but whatever their formula is, it has worked.
So to my dear parents I want to say THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU!! You made me what I am today and I appreciate you both!!

Babies

2008-03-09T16:32:00.003-05:00

I am surrounded by beautiful babies. My really good friend had twin boys, one year ago on March 2; a friend in DC had a baby boy in Dec; and my friend Tanya had a baby girl in Dec also. I have been knitting baby booties, baby blankets, hats and bibs. I have become enamored with baby knitting. The tiny little things that seem to swallow up the baby wrapped in it. I feel like my hand made things are not that great and I should buy something in addition and because people I gift them to don't use them. They tell me, "Oh it is so pretty I don't want to use it." But I want you to use it. I want to know I gave you something that is usable and you will think of me when you use it. So I want to see food and throw up stains on my bibs people. It will hold up and last a long time. Don't worry, I can make more things if you want me to, but use what I give you. :)

Knitting again

2008-02-14T22:38:00.004-06:00

Here it is!

Over the holidays, I was on a knitting frenzy as I have told you before. I finally got some pictures of the throw I made for my friend's grandmother. Her grandmother reminds me so much of my beloved grandmother, so I made her this throw. I wanted to give her something that will keep her warm in the cold DC winter. My friend's mother thought I bought it. Maybe I need to make her mom one too!

I hope you enjoy it N and that you think of me when you use it! LOVE YOU LOTS!!!

Dominican Hairdressers

2008-02-14T21:48:00.004-06:00

Everyone knows that Dominicans do the best hair in the world! I had heard this for many years. Several of my friends get their hair done by Dominican stylists and I always admired their hair. The way they can get the kinkiest hair straight with a blow dryer and a round brush, is nothing short of a miracle. And it LASTS forever.

So after hearing and seeing the results of the "rolos" o "flip", I decided I had to find a Dominican stylist. So with the help of the wonderful internet, I found a website that has Dominican stylists or stylist that are trained in the Dominican method. Well, being in North Texas, means there are very few Dominicans. However, I was lucky enough to find a stylist really close to me that was trained in the Dominician method.

I treated myself, for Valentine's Day, to a hair day. This was the second time I have been to this stylist. She trained under a Dominican stylist in Washington, DC. DC and NYC have THE BEST Dominican stylists outside of DR. So I went today to get my hair done. It was the greatest experience ever. My hair feels sooo good. It makes me feel so great to have a beautiful head of hair!!

YAY DR and the rolos y flips!!!

Work!

2008-02-10T21:46:00.000-06:00

I do not want to go to work tomorrow! Isn't that sad to say? I know there are millions of people out there who want to work and here I am, ungrateful me, saying I don't want to go.

I really dislike this job but I have to go. I have to work. Just a few short months ago, I was looking for a job, begging for a job. So I took this job just cuz no one else was offering. I needed money. I feel like I settled and it wasn't a good settle either. I just feel overwhelmed and out of my element. I don't feel as though I was trained properly...Just 7 weeks of BS! I don't know. I just don't like it.

I am still looking for something else and praying I can hold on until I can find something else.

No child left behind...Are they sure about that?!

2008-02-09T23:11:00.000-06:00

This whole no child left behind had really pissed me off. I think it is a ridiculous law that doesn't help any student. If anything it encourages more kids to drop out because they get discouraged about not passing the test. Teachers are teaching according to the test and not actual abstact thinking or logical thinking. You have to pass these "benchmark" tests or they won't pass their classes, nor will they graduate high school. How is this encouraging to continue your education? I know if I had been under the pressure that kids are under today to pass, I probably would have said forget it and just dropped out. I am a horrible test taker and unfortunately, my daughter had developed the same gene.

My 17 y.o. daughter suffers from ulcers and stress because she is constantly worried about the dreaded TAKS test (Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills). She has almost given up all hope of going to college because she feels like she won't be able to pass the test to graduate. She had practically given up in school because her confidence has been shot to hell each time she flunks a portion of that test. I keep trying to be encouraging and tell her to try her best but she comes back with why because my class work means nothing. A kid could have straight A's in classes but if she flunks the TAKS test, they still flunk the class. What kind of encouragement is that?

I think about how G.H.W. Bush has messed up the education system for the whole country, that started when he was gov of Texas. I just don't understand. I just want my kid to graduate and move on with her life...out of my house.

Friendship Knitting

2008-02-09T22:26:00.000-06:00

Over the years I have met some truly wonderful people. I moved to DC in 2006 to work a temp job for a conservation organization. I had lived in DC previously with disasterous results. But that is a different post. While I was there in DC I met a wonderful lady who took me under her wing.

She is originally from China and told me the hard time she had when she came to the United States. She lived in California at first and was basically a slave for a wealthy family. She was in the US to attend university, but they made it very difficult for her to do that. But she continued anyway. They decided to move to DC and "asked" her to move with them. She moved with them and went to university in DC, in between "working" for them. One day, she got fed up with them and quit. She found herself jobless and homeless for a little while. But she still continued on with her education.

Fast forward some years. She meets a nice man and gets married. She has a baby girl and then has a baby boy a few years later. Her baby boy died when he was 11 months and she was devestated. It was all due to careless mistakes of medical personnel. Once again that is another post. She thought nothing in her life was as horrible as that. I agree with her...but her faith never waivered. After baby boy's death she decided she did not want any more children, although her husband wanted to try one more time. So she got pregnant and delivered a healthy bouncing baby boy December 4, 2007.

So out come the knitting needles again and this is what I came up with.

This is for her new baby boy. This is for her to wrap her new baby up in and help him feel safe like she made me feel while I was there.

Thanks Z!!!

Politics

2008-02-03T18:34:00.000-06:00

Okay as I have watched debate after debate, primaries (is that a word?) and caucuses all over the country, I have realized, I HATE POLITICS!! I absolutely hate it. I have been trying to figure out who I want to vote for president. We have/had some great candidates. I was really leaning towards John Edwards because he is the only one talk about "fixing" things here in the U.S. and not half a world away. I know it is selfish of me to want to focus on just the U.S., but I am tired of all my tax dollars going to a war that is bogus. G.H.W.B played us all. He was waiting for the opportunity to "avenge" his father, but it has been at the expense of the U.S. What about the unemployment rate (of which I was a part of until recently), what about the housing foreclosures, and what about New Orleans? I am tired of struggling. Things were really good with Bill and it has gone to hell in a hand basket over the last 8 years. Can I survive the next 11 months? Can Americans wake up and realize that we are in trouble? The world hates us. I am embarrassed to show my passport in other countries because they all hate us. "They" look at me with such distain and mistrust, like I am the one that started the war. Really what I want to say is, " I agree with you! We suck!", but I have to show some loyalty to my country so I just keep my mouth shut and move on in the line.

Now as for the upcoming presidental election, now that John has backed out of the election, I am leaning towards Barack for president. I was going back and forth between Barack and Hillary, but lately Hillary has turned me off. She is definitely NO Bill! I have not liked her comments of late on lots of issues and the way her campaign is going. She has become bitchy. I don't like to use that word randomly because most people think women who have confidence and power are bitchy. But I think she is trying to hard to prove she is tough and it has come across wrong. I also don't like what she has to say about pulling out of Iraq and about the U.S. economy. Barack seems to have a real agenda and plan and I like that.

I just want us out of Iraq, our economy back on track, and our physical environment(ecologically) corrected. I want to feel safe financially, physically and emotionally again. I don't feel that way now. I feel like I am on a constant seesaw all the time. So I want the politicking (is that a word too??) to end and the action to begin. We need to get out and vote in record numbers. Typically Texas has been a republican state and I am sure it will continue to be so, but we democrats have GOT to get out and vote. It can be for Hillary or Barack (preferably Barack) but we cannot withstand another republican president. I want more a more positive national and global agenda. We need to fix our world reputation and we can't do that with a republican in office.

VOTE PEOPLE!!

Tribute to my friend

2008-01-29T06:03:00.000-06:00

When I was a VERY young military wife, living in Hawai'i and then Guam, I made a friend named Tanya. I was just 17 years old and Tanya was a worldly 19. We quickly bonded. She showed me how to manuver the military world as an officer's wife. She had been one 2 years longer than I, so I thought she was the know all for everything Military. The military culture is unlike any other, especially for an officer's wife. As an officer's wife, you are expected to host parties, run errands, smooze with your spouse's commanding officer and their spouse. You are supposed to know EVERYTHING military. I just thought I was "just" going to be a wife and live a glamorous, vagabond life. HOW WRONG WAS I?!

Well, along comes Tanya. She sees I am struggling under the pressure of it all and she offers to help me. In getting to know her, I found out she was from the same town in Louisiana as many of my relatives. So we struck up a quick and lasting friendship. Even though we ended up, at times, in different parts of the world and the U.S., we still stayed in close contact. She was there for my graduation from college. I was there when she suffered through her numerous miscarriages. She was truly my friend.

When my husband died, Tanya was there for me. When my baby was born 2 months later, she was there for me. Over the years Tanya wanted a baby really bad. She tried and tried and ended up having 9 miscarriages over the years. I felt so bad because here I was: 1) taking birth control to keep from having a baby and 2) getting pregnant when I totally didn't want to and wasn't ready. She knew this but still stayed by my side. She checked on me constantly, came to town to help me through my husband's funeral, even though there were very few pieces of him left. She loved me and I loved her as my sister in the military; even though my membership card had been revoked due to death.

As the years went on, our phone calls became less frequent and our letters became once a year Christmas cards. But everytime we reconnected, it was like we had never been apart or out of touch. She did not hold grudges, nor did she make me feel bad because I was a terrible friend. She understood I could not emotionally deal with her military life after mine had ended, and she still loved me!

I found out last week my sister friend died giving birth to the baby she wanted so badly over a month ago. She was 42 years old. She had been waiting over 20 years to have her baby. She had her baby but gave up her life to do so. Her husband is devestated. They had been married for 25 years. After a while, children was not as important to him as they were to Tanya. But he supported her in every way he could. He loved her enough to try to give her what she wanted. He doesn't know what to do with a newborn baby. I called him to checked on him and he just sobbed. Tanya LOVED Mardi Gras. This year is going to be especially hard on all of us because Mardi Gras was Tanya's christmas! So I am going to Louisiana this weekend to see my new niece and to see my "brother". Help him as much as his wife helped me over the years.

Tanya, I am sorry I wasn't there for you! I love you and miss you Girl! But know I am going to be there for your baby girl and she will know what a special and giving person you were!

So my mission is to reconnect to my friends and appreciate them and not take them for granted as I have in the past.

Laisser le bon temps rouleau! Happy Mardi Gras Tanya!

An Additional C.L.I.F.

2008-01-12T14:26:00.000-06:00

Okay I had to add one more to my list. Most people who know me, know I LOVE Somoan, Tongan, Tahitian, Fijian men. Any man in that genre is hot to me. So today I was reading about this guy and became enraptured by him....

So I am adding Junior Seau to my C.L.I.F list. He is 38 years old from San Diego, CA, but ethically he is Samoan. OMG! I want him! I think he may have just moved Tupac from the number one spot!! QUE RICO, QUE SEXY, QUE SUAVE!!!

* C.I.L.F.**

2008-01-11T18:18:00.000-06:00

One of my BFF's sent me a link to her friend's blog. I read the blog and was like oh man...this is a great post!! It was about the top 5 celebrities you would love to F*&%!! YOU know I had to comment and add my two cents on this one. I put my top 5 on her page, but now that I think I about it I think I need 10. 10 may not be enough, but I will try to stick to it. On her friend's blog most people added a female, if they were female. So here is my top 10 + female:

1. Tupak Shakur - Yes I know he is dead but he is still my number one. Maybe I can have him when I to heaven....or would that be hell??!! lol

2. Vin Diesel

3. Derek Jeter

4. Daddy Yankee

5. Pitbull
sorry no pic available!!

6. Ed Bradley - Yes I know he is dead too but I love a suave older man! Que SEXXYYY!! lol

7. John Abraham - Indian actor...yes I am into Bollywood

8. David Beckham - I would have an orgasm just looking at his pecs and abs...nuf said bout that!

9. Marshall Leonard - He plays MLSoccer for the New England Revolution... Que HOT!! Oh my!! Just the thought!

and drumroll please.......

10. Stedman Graham - yes Oprah's man! He is once again one of those suave older men and he ain't dumb either...he HAS held on to Oprah for 20 + years...Need I say more?!

And my female choice is Lisa Ray...Not ghetto Lisa Raye but the Bollywood actress Lisa Ray...she is hot!

So people there's my list. I wasn't able to get a picture of Pitbull...he copyrights all his stuff...lol. I challenge you to create your own list!

Knitting Loca

2008-01-02T16:34:00.000-06:00

I have been on a knitting frenzy for the past few months. As I said in a previous post, I have become obsessed with knitting again. I had to find a way to take the focus off of eating for me. I usually read a book, but even that wasn't helping me to stop snacking. So I took to the needles! I couldn't post the pictures of my projects because I didn't want the people I was making them for to see it. Well, I have given out the gifts and wanted to show some of the things I have made.

purple throw

purple stripped hat

purple stripped scarf

moccasins with shells

Rhi's mauve hat

Mady's Hat

Baby Karla's hat

scarf with ladybugs

Blanket for Marissa's Birthday

moccasins with shells

So these are most of my projects. There are a few that I accidentally deleted the pictures from my camera.I am hoping the people I gave the gifts to will take pictures of them for me.

I have started my new projects, baby blankets and baby hats. I am going to try to tackle some baby booties. I don't know...that maybe beyond my skill level. :)

Christmas 2007

2007-12-25T17:45:00.000-06:00

It's Christmas again! I always dread Christmas rolling around each year but once it is here, I am happy. I become excited watching my loved ones open their gifts and looking to see what they have received. But I have to say, each year I am disappointed in the gifts I receive. I know this sounds ungrateful...but do these people even KNOW me at all?! Since when do I wear purple boots?! Did I move to Denver and not know it?! They aren't even Uggs! I mean I have known them for like 40 years, but my parents still get me crazy shit! Every year I tell my mom and dad, "gift cards are much appreciated!" But every year, they don't take my advice. Oh well, another Christmas over! Merry Christmas!

Is it Christmas time already??!!!

2007-12-05T08:30:00.000-06:00

Okay...is it Christmas ALREADY?! Is the year almost up already?! Where did the time go? My daughter started bugging me about putting up decorations back in the beginning of November. I was sooo not ready. So I postponed it as long as possible. I think my procrastination came from not wanting to believe that another year has gotten away from me. What have I accomplished this year? What have I done to significantly change my life this year? The end of the year has always been a time of reflection for me, but not always in a good way. I am determined to think of something positive for this year. Okay Thinking....Thinking...Thinking...okay nothing! OH WAIT!!! I bought my first house this year. Okay well I may lose it next year due to unemployment, but at least I got it.

Here are some pictures of how we decorated the house for the holidays:

Still no Christmas tree up yet but it is coming. Uggh, just the thought of pulling all the stuff out of the garage...oh well...whatever it takes to make my daughter happy. The Holiday season has become so commercial these days. I heard on the radio that Madonna and Guy Ritchie did not celebrate Christmas anymore...not just because of Kibbala, but for other reasons. But hell they are cabillionaires, so they have Christmas everyday. It is especially stressing when you don't have money. So I have taken to making gifts for my friends and family. I will post those pictures after the holidays. I don't want everyone to see what I made for them for Christmas. lol I am trying to prepare my daughter for a sparse Christmas this year. I have always been able to buy her what she wanted for Christmas, even at my poorest periods of my life. This year I am having a difficult time. I am trying to tell her, "Hey you have a nice house to live in so this is part of your Christmas!" She just looks at me like I am crazy! Yes it is my fault; I have overindulged and over compensated because she doesn't have a father. Now I am and she is suffering for my bad parenting.

Well, here is wishing everyone a Happy Holiday season!!

Old Navy

2007-12-04T20:08:00.000-06:00

There was an Old Navy commercial that used to come on advertising sweaters in Sept/Oct. I fell in LOVE with the song that was playing. I looked every where for that song. Finally one night I couldn't sleep and turned on the TV to VH1. THERE IT WAS!! My song!! I finally found out who sings it and the title! So the song is called "The Way I am" by Ingrid Michaelson. I so love this song. It reminds me of love long gone, but also, of some sweet memories of that love. So enjoy my favorite song for the year!

Amazing!

2007-11-20T09:28:00.000-06:00

I have recently turned 40. I have been rethinking my life and life choices. I hear Oprah and other touchy feely people talk about "coming into yourself" when you turn 40 or 50, whatever. I listened to that and thought yeah right...who the hell are you fooling? But I have been officially 40, 3 months and 29 days, but I think with a clarity and a calmness I never have before. Is there some truth to the BS they have been spouting.

Okay so in my moments of clarity, I have thought about all the crap I have been through in my 40 years...particularly the last 17 years. So two things I have realized: 1) Life sucks on all levels - and no I am not sad about it...it is what it is; and 2) People suck!! I thought nothing would surprise me anymore but on a daily basis something happens that brings the reality back to me. I used to think I was pessimistic, but no, in my moments of clarity, I realized it isn't always me, it is circumstances and the people involved in them.

I want to be happy and I want the people around me to be happy. Treat each other with respect. You don't have to love me or even like me, but freaking respect me as a human being on this planet. I have been vendictive, revengeful, and generally hateful in my 20s and part of my 30s, but somewhere around 33, I realized those actions were holding me back from feeling peace in my soul. Those things were hindering my growth as a human. Everyone is out for themselves, F everyone else. You are in my way and you need to move now or get run over. That is the common philosophy these days. People hurt, lie, cheat, steal from each other to get whatever they want, what is going to make them happy. But in reality, you get everything the wrong way and it makes you feel empty inside. Nothing will ever make you happy. You will always be questing for the next best thing, job, lover, whatever. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

I am usually not so pessimistic about things but in all honesty, as I go into another year, age wise and new year, I have resolved to continue to be a nice person, continue to love and respect others, and not damage the ones I don't care for, and live my life the best way I can. Oprah and Deepak you may be on to something and I am getting on board.

UNEMPLOYMENT!!

2007-11-08T08:25:00.000-06:00

Okay...I have been unemployed for the last 12 weeks. I have interviewed and interviewed and interviewed some more. I am so sick of going in and interviewing for the job and not getting it. I get phone calls from the person I have interviewed with saying, "You are great and I/We were really impressed with you but...! That is if they even bother to call me. But, why do you have to tell me that? If I was so great, why didn't you hire me? Then when I ask them can you tell me what you think I could improve on, they seem to be taken aback. "Ummm I don't know" is the typical response I get. You have to know why you didn't hire me. Was it the suit I wore, was it my personality, was it that I didn't have "it" that you were looking for? Tell me something!

I am extremely frustrated right now. All I know is I have bills and a kid and I need money! I am having sleepless nights because I am worried how I am going to pay this bill or that bill. I am just sick and fucking tired of trying! I am sick of feeling inadequate and insignificant. I am just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Can this life end already?!

Phoenix, AZ

2007-10-24T21:55:00.000-05:00

I went to Phoenix on a trip. I had never really thought of Phoenix in any context before, other than it was in the desert and it was HOT. I had gone there with my grandmother to visit one of her sisters, but I was 10 the last time I went.

So I arrive in PHX and the airport sucks. It is pretty aesthetically, but the functionality of it sucks. That didn't give me any warm fuzzies. On to the rental car place. Can I say I felt like I was on a road trip? It took 20 minutes to get to the rental depot, it that is what you call it. I mean come on, could you build one closer to the actual airport. Okay still no warm and fuzzies yet. Get rental car and go to hotel. On the way there, I was amazed at the scenery. Talk about beautiful. Oh, it was serenic (is that a word) and calming. Everywhere I went beautiful landscaping and gardens...all surrounding the cactus. Cacti as tall as trees in some places. Cacti as colorful as flowers. Everywhere I went beautiful landscapes. I kept thinking of ways I could transfer some of that beautiful landscaping to my house. I realized that such beauty in the middle of a desert was amazing. Also, conserves water. I am all about going green these days, so I am going to explore putting cacti in my landscaping.

New Obsession

2007-09-09T12:42:00.000-05:00

As all of my friends know, I have been fighting the battle of the bulge for the past 16 years. Okay, I have been winning so far. I have lost 152 pounds since January 2006. I still have 45 more to go, but that is another post.

In an effort to not focus so much on my food obsession, I have taken up a new hobby. Well, rather an old hobby that I have taken up again. I started knitting when I was 12 years old. My catholic grade school made us take home economics for 3 years. You know the Nuns were trying to make us girls into the perfect homemakers!! lmao....Cooking, sewing, knitting, blah, blah!! We are talking the late 70's, early 80's people!! Anyway, I found that I enjoyed knitting a lot, despite trying to make the nuns think otherwise. I made so many hats for my parents, granparents and friends. Then I progressed to scarves and slippers. Everyone was tired of my gifts of knitting by the time I was 16. I am by NO MEANS a knitting great, but I can hold my own. I can do basic patterns... nothing that makes me think too much.

I found that knitting helps me forget my thoughts and cravings of and for food. I know I should be getting up and exercising, but knitting is more fun. I started watching this show on DIY networks called Knitty Gritty. I love this show. I can't make half the stuff they show on there, but I like to look at it. I have realized that my technique sucks, but it is hard to change old habits. In essence,I have become obsessed again with knitting! Now I actually forget to eat. My stomach is growling, but I don't want to stop. I just keep going and going. I love seeing the progress of my projects, which eventually turn into finished pieces to thrust off on my friends and family. I have started scavenging for easy knitting pattern, started a stash of yarn and I am ready to go!

I am currently working on a blanket for my best friend. She is always talking about she is cold in the winter. So, hopefully, she will wrap up in this blanket on a cold winter night, and know I made it just for her!! She loves the beach, so I tried to pick colors of the beach and the ocean. So when she is in 20 degree weather, she can pretend she is in Miami, at the beach. Here is a sample of what it looks like now. I am more than half way finished. I hope to be done in a few weeks. I said I was obsessed, not fast! LOL

Halfway point
Pattern up close

I would like to have this done by her birthday, which is in December. I have to have deadlines with my knitting or it goes into the UFO pile...UnFinished Objects!! It will be DONE!!! OBSESSION!!!!

Life Lessons

2007-09-01T23:04:00.000-05:00

How do you teach life lessons to your teenager? When they are younger, it all seems very easy to do. Don't touch because it is hot/cold. Don't pull that because you will clonk yourself on the head. Don't bother that knife/scissors because they will cut you. Come let Mami make it better when you get a boo boo. That is a piece of cake compared to the teenage years. This is what I am dealing with: Finances from first job, first love, driving, trusting the wrong people. HOW THE HELL DO YOU TEACH THAT SHIT??!!! Can someone help me on this?

Here's scenario number one: Said teenager gets 1st job. Teenager has run up a $400 cell phone bill because of text messages (gets 1000 per month, but always seems to do 2000 to 3000 per month instead). So said mami takes cell phone away and says no more cell phone until bill is paid in full. So you have to give me all your paychecks until your bill is paid off. Well, teenager has balance of $200 and has decided she doesn't want to work anymore because she is TIRED!! Ummm WTF?! Why didn't someone send me the memo that we can quit when we are TIRED!! So mami reminds teenager, no money - no cell phone. So teenager thinks mami is soooo f'ing unfair (not said in those words but I know she was f'ing thinking it!!). I also reminded teenager, no driving until she is able to pay her car insurance bill and until she can make better grades. How do you teach fiscal responsibility? How do you teach someone to have a hard work ethic?

Scenario number two: Teenager is introduced to boy by teenager's BFF (not a BFF in my eyes, but I don't count). Boy is really feeling teenager. Boy takes her out on first date (disaster, but that is another post). Boy and teenager talk on phone, via IM, and go on more dates. Teenager says, " Mami, I have found my 'soulmate'!!" Ummm WAIT!! WHAT?! Okay, Mami is trying to be cool and say, "Oh really? That is great sweetie. But make sure he treats you nice and like a lady and NO SEX!!" OPPS...Did I say that?!! So, teenager goes on family vacation and was away from boy for a WHOLE week. During the week, she texts ($400 bill was the result) boy and BFF. BFF says she and boy have been "hanging out"! Teenager is okay with that because she just KNOWS boy is HERS. So get back from family vacation. Teenager finds out by accident that Boy and BFF are now dating or as they in teenager talk "going out". Why the secrecy? Why can't you just be honest about it. You are a big ho, be the best ho you can be and be honest about your ho'ing. Dayum, I sound really old. Any who, Teenager is devestated. "How could BFF do this to me. She knew I liked him. She INTRODUCED him to me! and now she decides she wants him!" How do you explain something like that? How do you explain that BFF totally violated the unspoken best friend rule...You don't mess around with your friend's current boyfriend or ex boyfriend? Is that still a rule or am I old and things have changed? I don't think it has changed because this rule has been going on for centuries. I have never understood why someone who is supposed to be a friend would want someone else's man or ex-man...why do you want my sloppy seconds? Why do you want to be the other woman or the slut that stole someone's man or decided you wanted my ex man? There are fucking limits people. But once again...How do you teach a teenager this life lesson? Her heart is breaking and Mami can't kiss the boo boo and make it better. How do you teach someone not to trust the wrong people? You don't know until the fuck you over and betray your trust. How do you teach that not everyone is your BFF... Not everyone is your friend period. The crying is killing me inside.

These are life lessons I am trying hard to teach but I don't know how successful I am. This is a teenager we are talking about. They think they know everything about everything. Part of me just wants to say forget it and let her learn on her own. But the Mami part of me says no I can't do that...I have to take control of the situation. So where is the line? When and where do I step back and when do I step in?

Okay can I have my baby back???

Work

2007-08-26T18:37:00.000-05:00

Work...Who the hell created this concept of work?? Last Friday, I was fired from my job. I had this job for all of 5 months. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with the business world? Why do I have to be a cut throat bitch in order to succeed? I have been reassessing myself, my goals, and values in this profession. Human Resources should be about being a human being and being a resource for other human beings. But NO...it is about stepping all over people...being a BITCH all the time, fuck the little person, fuck the employees! It is all about BIG BUSINESS!!

And of course, all of this shit occurs AFTER I go out and buy a house. AFTER, I stick my neck out only to get it chopped off. Okay so now, I don't have a job. But I do have a house note, a car note, a teenager - who expects to be fed and clothed. I have got to rethink my life! Maybe I should just forget it and just go back to Nursing, although, it pains me to say it. I got so burned out on Nursing because I had to give so much of myself emotionally. Now, I am in a profession that is too impersonal, too uncaring. How do I find a balance?

Why do I need to work anyway? Why can't we just have a free economy, meaning get everything for FREE? I am tired of working anyway! I am tired of being nice when I don't feel like being nice, especially when other people are not being nice back. I am just tired. I am tired of trying so hard. I am tired of working for nothing or what seems like nothing.

Okay...enough...back to the classifieds

Music

2007-08-25T16:31:00.000-05:00

My musical tastes have become very eclectic over the years. But I have to say I am feeling Nelly Furtado's CD. I have had it since it came out and have listened to it over and over again. I love the songs "Te Busque" and "No Hay Igual". I don't know what it is about those songs, but I LOVE them. I love the whole CD. I think Timbaland and Nelly make an awesome team. I love the song "Give it to me" from Tims CD ShockValue.
My iPod is full of different types of music, but I always seem to come back to these two CDs. If you don't have them, get them. It will be worth the money and worth the space on your iPod.

Customer Service a LOST art?!

2007-08-24T10:00:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been getting shitty customer service every retail outlet I go to. I am not rude when I go in. I have a smile on my face. But why is it EVERYtime I go into a retail store, I get "Miss/Mister I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!" up in my face. I ask a question about a product, in my nice, calm voice, and I get "Do I look like I know everything! or I am busy right now!" Umm excuse me?! Isn't your job to help me? Did I miss the memo that says I am not supposed to ask for help when I need it??

I mean with the economy being so bad these days, you would think the workers in these stores would be more pleasant and helpful...But NOOOOO!!! They are nasty and resentful that they have to work. UMMM BE FREAKING GLAD YOU HAVE A DAMN JOB, IDIOT!!! The worst culprit stores are Sears, Staples and J C Penney. I have to add that when I go and discuss the situation with a manager, they seem just as nonchalant as their employees. AWWW so this is where they get it from. Well the exception to this was the FOINE manager at Staples. He was very apologetic about my bad service and it was genuine.

Listen people...you want my dollars, I need some good customer services. I have decided to not shop any place that my service is not up to MY standards. I can buy online or if I have to, I will pay more to go some place that treats me well.

So this is my declaration of Independence: NO MORE SHOPPING AT PLACES THAT GIVE ME BAD SERVICE!! NO MORE SPENDING MY DOLLARS AT PLACES THAT DON'T CARE THEIR EMPLOYEES SUCK!! This declaration includes Airlines, Hotels, and Restaurants. NO TIPS FOR BAD SERVICE!!

Okay I am done. Have a nice day! :)

I'm IT!! 7 Random things about me!!!

2007-08-12T16:43:00.000-05:00

I was supposed to do this months ago for my friend Karla, but I forgot. Okay Karla I remembered!!! Here you go:

My 7 random facts:
1. I don't like to be around tall objects, i.e., buildings, statues etc. I am basically afraid of them.
2. I wanted to be a doctor, but didn't want to go to school that long or not get sleep, so I changed to Nursing. Yes I am lazy and need my rest!! Turns out with all my degrees I have, it was the same amount of time as medical school. But I got to sleep!
3. I used to model for Ebony Fashion Fair from ages 3-7, when we lived in Chicago. I used to be in Ebony and the Chicago newspapers all the time.
4. When I was younger I wanted to be an Olympic gymnast and I wanted Bela Koroli to be my coach.
5. I curse like a sailor and I used to get my mouth washed out with soap all the time, but it never worked.
6. I wanted to be a nun when I grew up. But I discovered boys when I got to high school.
7. I like to collect cookbooks but I rarely use the recipes in them. I make up my own. lol

Okay Karla! I did it!!
Besos!!

40 and on vacation

2007-07-28T17:05:00.000-05:00

Okay...I have become obsessed with being 40. In all honesty, I didn't think I would live to see 40. I have been through so much in the last few years; making it to 40 seemed like an impossibility. I decided to treat myself to a vacation for my birthday. I didn't get to go to the exact place I wanted to go, but it was a great vacation nonetheless. To me, any vacation by the ocean is a treat. I live in landlocked North Texas, so I just see weeds all the time.

Went to Miami and did a few things I had never done before. Took a cruise around the Ft Lauderdale causeway, went to eat a few new places. Went to the beach...well on the days it didn't rain. Went to a great Italian restaurant for my birthday. It was right on the Bay. LOVED it!! We were seated right on the water. Saw sting rays and flying fish jumping out of the bay!!

We also discovered the best Gelateria at Lincoln Road Mall and at Bayside. It is a chain, but it has a very homemade taste. That was the most wonderful gelato I ever put in my mouth. We had to get it every night we were there. They had different flavors every day. Pure frozen heaven!
I had my birthday cake at this place called the IceBox. It has been featured on Food Network a bunch of times. I have been here once before and loved it. I wanted to come back for my birthday. Their cakes are like the best sex you could ever imagine. They taste sooooo good! Aww man, just thinking about it!! I had the Pina Colada cake. It was amazing. I can't even describe it; can't put it into words how wonderful it tasted.

I usually go to Versailles in Little Havana for my Cuban food fix. We did go on our first day there. But I was a bit disappointed with the food. We tried another Cuban restaurant called Mambo. It was really good. It is located at Bayside in Downtown Miami. The food was really good and inexpensive. I will definitely be going there again.
On my cruise around Ft Lauderdale I found several houses that I would like to purchase for my retirement. But I know I won't be able to purchase one unless I hit the lotto. By the way, I did purchase several lotto tickets while in Florida. As I am sure you figured out, I didn't win. I find it amazing that people 1. live in these places and 2. they can AFFORD to live in these places. Where was I when they passed out the money? Oh well...I can dream about it...

I love these houses. I am going to have one, one day; with my yacht sitting on my dock. My pool and cabana oil boy...Okay Okay! I am awake now!!

This was a great trip! A great birthday! Thanks to my friend, who made it very special for me! Now on to planning 41!!

40 - the new middle age??!!

2007-07-26T16:16:00.000-05:00

Okay the day finally made it!! I am NOW 40 years old. Is that the new middle age? I was reading on another person's blog that an author was middle aged, and she happens to be 40. I am like what???!!! When did 40 become middle aged? I know my bones creak and pop from time to time. My back feels like it is coming apart, but 40 is NOT old. I still feel like i am in my 20s. Although I have to say, in my mind I feel 60, but that is another blog to write.

I thought when I turned 40, I would be working as VP somewhere; I would have 2.5 kids and husband, my Range Rover. I know how materialistic of me, but shit I can't help it! That is what I saw for myself at 40. I thought I would be closer to retirement, a wishful 55, but that AIN'T happening. I am going to be freaking working until I drop dead. I have not saved for my retirement like I should have, I have not done anything like I should have. Where did I go wrong?!

But I have to say, I have more confidence in myself than I did in my 20's or 30's. It has been a gradual change in myself and my vision of myself. I feel more comfortable in my "skin" now. I had always heard that on Oprah, but I didn't pay any attention to it. But now I see what Oprah meant. I don't care what people think of me, my looks etc. It isn't so important to me. I understand the importance of being diplomatic as opposed to brash and outspoken. It is a change in MYSELF and my spirit!!

Turning 40 has gotten off to a great start. Can I make it to 50?!!

MY FIRST HOUSE!!!

2007-06-01T18:56:00.000-05:00

R in front of my new house

On May 25, 2007, I became a first time home owner. I bit the bullet and did it! All by myself. I signed on the dotted line. Talk about being a nervous wreck! I have a mortgage now! After I went to closing, I became unsure about what I had done. Could I pay the mortgage, did I get ripped off, did I make a HORRIBLE mistake. I actually started shaking. I have "owned" my own place before, but it was the house I grew up in.

My parents gave it to me because they didn't want me to come back home with a baby in tow. Also, known as, "you can move back home but we will move out and give you the house!" But that was different, it was already paid for...by someone else. This, is entirely another matter. I AM responsible for making the payments. I AM responsible for making sure the grass is cut, the repairs are made...EVERYTHING!!

But despite my nervousness, my paranoia...I am a HOMEOWNER! YAY ME!! I DID IT!! I know my excitement is probably ridiculous. People buy homes everyday, but this is an exciting time for me because I did it as a single parent, one income, one everything.

Oh WELL! I am going to make this work! MY HOUSE! MY sanctuary!

Part of my backyard

Been Away for awhile

2007-04-07T06:59:00.000-05:00

Lots of things have been going on in my life lately. I just noticed I haven't blogged in almost a year. I have been working on getting my life together. I have made progress but not quite there yet.

I have lost 150 pounds since January 26, 2006. My eating habits have changed and my body has changed. But my mind hasn't changed much. I still feel fat. I still feel like I weigh 360 pounds. When I look in the mirror, I still see fat girl. Over the year, people have said "You look great!" or "Wow, you have lost a LOT of weight!!" but I can't see it. I can't tell. I know I feel lighter and feel better, healthier, but I just don't see it when I look in the mirror. Why do I prevent myself from seeing the real me? All I see is the 80 pounds I have left to lose and can't seem to do it. All I see is the fat me, the ugly me; still ugly me. I haven't taken very many pictures of my progress; I guess because I still feel fat and unattractive.

I am still obsessed with food. I actually get pissed off because I can't eat huge portions of food anymore. I get pissed off to have to see containers of leftovers filling up my fridge and knowing I can't eat them before they go bad. Food looks so good all the time and I hate feeling that way. I hate the control food has over my life. i get jealous seeing my friends eat like normal human beings and i can't finish a 1/4 of my food. It is very frustrating. I know I had to do what was best for me, but man, I MISS FOOD!! I have become obsessed with Twizzlers. I love them now! I keep bags of them all over my house. When I get nervous or stressed, I have a Twizzler dangling from my mouth, like a cigarette. I know that is part of the reason I can't get rid of the last 80 pounds but this is the only thing that keeps me happy.

Some good things have come in my life. I have a new job, my dream job. It is exactly the job that I wanted. That has been a definite plus in my life. I am buying a new house, in my same neighborhood, so the girl doesn't have to change high schools.

There have been some definite positives in my life, so for that I am happy.

Weight Loss and BIRTHDAYS!!

2006-07-24T16:32:00.000-05:00

I have officially lost 105 pounds since January 26, 2006! YAY ME! I still have 85 more pounds to go but I have made the century mark! I didn't think I would be able to do it. Losing weight takes a lot of discipline, more than I thought I had. I have been working out at the gym, walking around the beach, just walking in general. It has made me realize how important movement is to your body. I feel 100 times better. I still have a ways to go, but I will get there.

On July 23rd, I celebrated my 39th birthday. 39 years on this earth. It is so hard to believe at times. I feel like time has flown by. Inside I feel 23, but at times, emotionally I feel 69. I went to Miami for my birthday. I went to a "club"...umm it was a "fun" club! I had so much fun. Miami is so relaxing for me. Being around different cultures, especially my caribbean brothers and sisters! I love it there. I think I need to move there. I always hate to come back home when I go.

Well Happy Birthday to me! Here's to 39 years of being on earth. Aww man next is 40!

FIFA World Cup

2006-07-09T16:02:00.000-05:00

I am not a big sports fan by any means, but I become obsessed when the World Cup begins. I am a MAJOR soccer/football fan. I am so sad that France did not win the World Cup. I usually don't pick a team to go for; I just like the action that goes on, on the field.

France has the most "Black" player of any country, outside of Trinidad and Tobago and Brazil. France has 15 Black players on their national team roster. France's most famous player is Thierry Henry, is a Black man. He plays professionally for the Arsenal, an English major league team. Thierry has been subjected to being spit on, had trash thrown on him, called the "N" word in various languages, by European "fans". It sounds so much like the American South, doesn't it? It has been so bad for him and other "Black" players to play in European leagues, with the exception of Brazilian players. I have always thought of Europeans as being more accepting of "Black" people. They are so quick to criticize the world on human rights problems, along with the US. And it appears they have a pretty bad track record also.

Theirry, along with Nike, has set up a program called Stand UP Speak OUT! It is to help educate Europeans about racism in the soccer world. The web site has some of the most famous soccer players talking about what it is like for them at some games. It is a nice site. They had come up with these nice wrist bands that are black and white intertwined, but they have sold out of them and they were only available in Europe. I wish I had known about them before.

I was hoping for French Victory because of their black players. Soccer/Football has been one of the sports that we "Black" people just can't seem to break the color barrier as far as fan base and respect. The one exception is Pele . Pele was the most accomplished player in soccer's history, however, I have heard statements that he is Brazilian, not "Black". Ummm HELLOOOOO!!!! There are millions of "Black" Brazilians, as there are "Blacks" in other Latin American countries, and as we see in some European countries, such as France. It is all so ridiculous. I mean they are just trying to play a game they just like everyone else.

So France lost by a messed up penalty kick, but they are by no means NOT losers. Theirry, you and your band of brothers faught a hard fight. You showed the world that "Black" can fight the hard fight with everyone else. Vous avez joué un bon jeu !

And to my TnT players....You are still my SOCA WARRIORS!! The stars of the TnT national team are Shaka Hislop and my buddy Avery John. Even though Avery got a red card in on of the World Cup games, I know one of those Swedish A**holes said something smart to you. Like that Italian guy said to Zidane Zinedine (Zizou)...oh wait...sorry that is another story. Besos y Abrazos to my TnT boys!! And les étreintes et embrasse to my French boys.

While I am on the topic of soccer, I have to say how pissed off I am at the MLS for not putting my friend Avery on the list for the All Star Game. What is that about? Is this punishment because he isn't American? Or that he chose to join his fellow countrymen and represent his country in the World Cup? This is the second year in a row he has been "overlooked" and I am using that word loosely. He has been a very good defender for the New England Revolution, so why wasn't his name put in the running? Is this another way of showing racism in this country? It probably is but I am too stupid or naive to believe it is happening.

Oh and Shaka, welcome to FC Dallas. I will be happy to show you around any time, any day! LOL

What kind of Car am I??

2006-07-02T19:01:00.000-05:00

I'm a Chevrolet Corvette!

You're a classic - powerful, athletic, and competitive. You're all about winning the race and getting the job done. While you have a practical everyday side, you get wild when anyone pushes your pedal. You hate to lose, but you hardly ever do.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

Guess who's Back?!

2006-05-20T14:02:00.000-05:00

I know I have been absent lately. I have been trying to figure out do I want to be on Myspace or Blogger. I have decided I like blogger better. Myspace is cool but aesthetically I prefer blogger. I will try to maintain both pages but I don't know.

I just want to say I have lost a whopping 82 pounds since January. Amazing what eating less and working out will do for you. lol I feel lots better, physically and mentally. Although I freaking hate my job, I am working on that issue too. I have realized that I will probably never really be happy working. I am ready to retire already.

Here are some pictures of my trip to Cancun. I had a fabulous time. I usually hate photos of myself but I think I took good pictures this time.

Enjoy!

Immigration - Part II

2006-04-11T09:06:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to respond to my girl Reese comment to my Immigration blog:

Reese,
Yes, you can get H1-B visas, but they are EXTREMELY hard to get! I know because I run my company's Immigration/Expatriate program, in addition to my other duties. The government only gives out 250 visas per profession per year per country. The profession has to be specialized in an area that the U.S. doesn't have, so doctors, nurses and IT people don't usually qualify for those visas. You can't come from a certain country. Let's just say Middle Eastern countries are the most difficult.The only exception to this rule is China. They will allow up more Chinese in the country because they are a communist country and we make "exceptions" for communists.
I agree with you that the U.S. is not ready for a guest worker program, but we had better get ready or this problem will never go away. I wouldn't mind paying more in taxes, if I knew that I was going to get health care and housing, like they do in Canada. All I know is we have to do better or things are going to get worse for everyone, including Americans.

Immigration

2006-03-31T15:56:00.000-06:00

There have been rallys and protests to the proposed Immigration laws. Kids in Dallas/Ft Worth walked out of school 3 days in a row in "protest". One girl, when asked by the media why she was protesting, her response was to turn to her friend and ask her why. Ummmm okay....why are you walking out of school and you don't even know why. What is wrong with her? Oh wait, it was a "free" day from school...let me just follow the dayum crowd.

I have to say illegal immigrants are NOT just Mexicans or even Latino. There are illegal Irish, Brits, Australians, French, and Italians. They don't walk or even risk their lives to get here- they fly and never use their return ticket. So stop blaming Latinos for the immigration problems in this country.

One of the things the Bush Administration is pushing is the Guest Worker program. Is it too much to hope that maybe this will go through? Canada has had a guest worker program for the past 15 years. It has been very successful. Guest workers can come and go to and from their "home country" to Canada, up to 6 months at a time. Most immigrants don't want to leave their families, but they do because they need "more" for their families than what their country can offer. The Canadian guest worker gets a permit that is like a "green card" here. It depends on their profession for the amount of time they get to work in Canada. They work in Canada for 6 months then go back home for 6 months. How perfect is that? There aren't just construction workes or fruit pickers, there are nurses/doctors, computer workers, etc. They come from all over the world to work in Canada. The guest workers pay Canadian taxes, pay housing, etc, but it isn't done in secret, using false documents or in fear. They make the money they need for home and Canada gets the goods and services they need. What is the big deal? Guest workers get health care while they are there because Canada has a socialist health care system...meaning government funded health care. Guest workers who bring their children pay a small fee for school for the children. Why can't the U.S do the same? Canada's economy has not been hurt in any way. In fact, they have a very low unemployment rate and have very generous labor laws. We can learn a few things from our neighbors to the north. But we are to selfish and egocentric to try new things.

Americans think we are the center of the world, the example for the world to follow, but we AREN'T!!! We can learn from other countries and try some of their successful programs. I truly believe if we institute a program like this, it would alleviate some of the problems we are having with illegal immigrants. It just all seems too simple to me. It wouldn't take away jobs from anyone. It helps with "professional shortages", like nursing and doctors.

WAKE UP AMERICA!! WE ARE FALLING BEHIND THE WORLD!!! WE ARE NO LONGER THE EXAMPLE, BUT THE JOKE!!!!

LOVE IS...

2006-03-26T10:27:00.000-06:00

Children are such innocent and simple beings. Every now and then I have to be reminded of things. Here are some examples of answers children gave when asked about love:

From a survey of children ages 4 to 8, here were some of the best answers to the question, "WHAT DOES LOVE MEAN?":

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." - Rebecca, age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." - Billy, age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." - Karl, age 5

Love is...
"When you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." - Chrissy, age 6

"What makes you smile when you're tired." - Terri, age 4

"When my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." - Danny, age 7

Love is...
"When you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more."- Emily, age 8

"What's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." - Bobby, age 7

"When your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." - Mary Ann, age 4

"...Like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." - Tommy, age 6

And a few more of their best thoughts on love:
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." - Nikka, age 6

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." - Karen, age 7

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." - Jessica, age 8

See how simple they make it? Why can't we all do that?

Vacation

2006-03-25T11:35:00.000-06:00

I need a vacation. I decided to take one. I am going to Cancun for 6 fabulous nights. I really wanted to go on a cruise but in light of all the crap happening on cruises, I decided I better stay on the land. I am going to stay at a resort I have never been to before. It is called the Tucancun by Barcelo Hotels. I hope this is a fun place. I usually like to stay at the Cancun Palace or the Moon Palace, but they both are closed because of Hurricane Wilma or Rita. I can't remember which one. The rate was really good for the Tucancun and I couldn't pass it by. So I am making my vacation journey in April 24th. I will be sure to take lots of pics when I go.
But I need a mental rest and break!

Cuban Feet

2006-03-20T16:40:00.000-06:00

A Carnival Cruise line picked up 28 Cubans from the sea. I don't know where, but they were in the ocean in search of freedom. The cruise ship makes a stop in Galveston, TX. The migrants are not allowed to get off the ship because of the U.S law of wet foot, dry foot. The cruise line has to meet a U S Coast Guard cutter boat in the middle of the ocean and then transfer the 28 people from the ship to the boat. Then they will be sent back to Cuba. Because Carnival Cruise lines is not registered under the U.S., the dry foot rule does not apply in this case. So they have to sit on a ship while it is docked in Galveston, looking at the people come and go. I think I would be tempted to blend in and get off the ship. Cuban Rescue

If a Cuban makes it to dry land, without the help of someone on the land, they will be given automatic asylum in the U.S. If someone on the land helps the Cuban by pulling them to land, they can go to jail and the Cuban is "disqualified" and sent back home. That is MADNESS!! This kind of previledge is not given to any other group, except Cubans. I understand the premise of it, but I think it is wrong. I think any group that has to brave shark infested waters to get some place should be given the opportunity to stay. I am speaking in terms of Haitians in particular. Haitians are turned away in droves. NOT FAIR! The only difference between them and Cuba, is that they have a quasi "democratic" government. I am all for getting my fellow Cubanos here, but only if it is fair and equitable to everyone. I know there is going to be someone out there pissed off at me for saying this. Hey I am Cuban too. I know all too well the suffering they are living with, the oppression they are under. But we need to be fair to everyone.

I know we are trying to fight Communism with stupid embargos and trade bans, but we are hurting the Cuban people more than we are helping. Cuban exiles can only visit the island once every 3 years. You can only take less than $500 in cash when you go. You can only visit immediate family members, parents and siblings only. No tios no primos, etc. How is that fighting Communism? How is that helping the Cuban people? It is more frustrating than helpful. I don't understand the thought behind all of this. I know someone out there will school me.

I want Cuba to be free. I want to be able to go there and vacation, visit familia. Go to the places of my ancestors. I hope this happens in my lifetime. CUBA LIBRE!!

Quince

2006-02-23T14:19:00.000-06:00

My baby turns quince today. I can't believe it. Where did all the time go? It seems like yesterday I was bringing her home for the first time, giving her first bath, kissing her sweet little face and tiny feet. Now, I am lucky if I can get a hug on a good day. Quince is a milestone birthday. You are basically 3/4th of the way to being an adult. Some literature suggest that everything that a kid learns morally and emotionally has already be formed and that they are just trying out what they learn. I certainly hope not because I still have a lot to teach!

Now I have to deal with boys calling, badgering to do home work, and screaming to get off the dayum phone. I have done all of this alone and it has been a definite adventure. I have been seeing those anti drug commercials, where the parents' voices are telling the kids to buckle up or give up a seat to a pregnant woman. I wonder if my voice is in her head saying "Save yourself for marriage!" LOL. Do you think she can hear me? I hope so. I wish her father could be here to experience all of this with me. But I know he is watching us and helping me along in his special way.

We are going to have a quiet celebration with two of her best chicas. I will be reflecting on how my baby is not really my baby anymore and how her life it just beginning.

Pray for me y'all!!

The US Gulf Coast

2006-02-22T10:00:00.000-06:00

Okay I am on a roll today y'all! I was watching Oprah yesterday. She did a show on how we don't know what is going on at the Gulf Coast today, since Hurricane Katrina. She had Lisa Ling act as special correspondent on her show. Lisa went to Mississippi Gulf Coast. I was speechless. Families are living in tent cities. Literally miles and miles of these tent cities. The lucky families were able to get trailers, but those are few and far between. There has been no clean up done, since October 2005. Trash and debris is EVERYWHERE!! What da hell??!! Everyone has been focused on New Orleans, but we have all seemed to forget that Mississippi was hit hard too. Mississippi is the poorest state in the union. They have been devestated by the hurricane but we have all forgotten about them.

Where did all the money that was raised to help the Katrina Victims?? Why are people living in squalor? Where is the Red Cross? Why aren't they spearheading clean up and repairs. I don't understand. Then Lisa showed how there are lots and lots of trailers that people could be using, just sitting around. They have been paid for by the government, but haven't been put to use. Why? Well, FEMA's excuse is that they don't have the land to put them on. Ummm how about cleaning up the cities where the devastation occurred? How about repairing the utilities so they can be used? I was amazed and appalled. We are spending billions helping Iraqis, but we have the poorest of the poor in our country suffering worse that an Iraqi. I don't understand it. I just don't. Why aren't the congress people protesting this?! Why aren't we as a nation protesting this treatment of our citizens? I am so ashamed today of my country! I am going to try to figure out what I can do to help because I can't sit by and watch this anymore!

Olympics

2006-02-21T09:28:00.000-06:00

I have been off from work for awhile and have been taking the opportunity to watch TV all day. Can I just say that Chad Hedrick has totally ruined the Olympics for me? He is such an ASS! I have watch him shun Shauni Davis, African American Olympian, act like a spoiled, penchulant child. All because Shauni said no to him and his team event. I couldn't believe Chad said that he was upset because, "Shauni didn't discuss it with him first before withdrawing from the team event. I am the team leader so he should have discussed it with me." Well, who the hell is he that Shauni had to discuss his decision with him?!! I am ashamed to say Chad is from Texas (Houston...YUCK!!), but he must have forgotten he is NOT in Texas right now. He went to Turino with the goal of winning 5 gold medals. Did he not think Shani had goals too? Shauni had much more at stake than Chad did.

I don't blame Shauni in the least. The USOC skating federation dissed him, by not giving him endorsements, allowing him to train with the rest of the team, just overall nasty to him. He had to go to Calgary to train. His mother worked 2 jobs for him to be able to fulfill his dream. He didn't have the cushy training facilities that the other speed skaters had, nor did he have the sponsorship to pay for his training, so he could focus on training and nothing else. I am so proud of Shauni for beating Chad AGAIN, even if it was with the Silver medal. I just wonder how many commercials in the US will Shauni have after the Olympics? Ummm...I am guessing none, because of this controversy that Chad started. Is that a new form of sportmanship?

Well I am going to just put it out there. It is because of his race. I am so not about the race card, but this is so obvious. The American Media has shown the world that America is still a racially divided country. It is crazy how the Canadian and Japanese speedskating teams came up, hugged and congraduated Shauni, but the US Speedskating team has yet to "recognize" him. Shauni has done the Jackie Robinson of the speed skating world, broken the racial barriers. Even though we are in the year 2006, it might as well be 1946 as far as speed skating is concerned. I am so ashamed by this whole thing. It has marred the Olympics for me, just as the Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding incident did when I was a teenager. But the difference in that is it was two WHITE girls.

I have to say that I have found the Olympics overall to be boring and uninteresting. I don't know why. I just hope this controversy doesn't make us look worse in the World's eyes...not that the Iraq War hasn't already!!

It's Over

2006-02-18T09:47:00.000-06:00

This song, "So Sick" describes exactly how I am feeling right now. It is officially over. My boo has called it quits. He has decided that the changes I made for the New Year to better my health were too much for him and he decided to end 3 years of being together. I am on a weight loss quest right now and he doesn't agree with it. I am doing this so I can get healthy and not have so many medical issues. I was slowly killing myself with food and it had to stop. So for the New Year, I decided I was going to change my eating habits and exercise more. I have had some trouble, but overall, I have been doing good. I cannot understand a person that does not want their "mate" to be healthy and possibly live a longer life. He has been with me through my tumor, chemo, and surgeries, but he can't stand by me with this. I don't understand at all. He is not trying to help me understand. He just says, "It's OVER!!"

Another problem we are having is location, location, location. He wants me to leave Dallas and move to Miami...RIGHT NOW! I made a promise to my daughter that she could stay in one high school until she graduates. She only has 3 1/2 years left. He can't seem to understand that it is important to stay put for high school. It is hard making friends anyway and moving all the time doesn't help! I moved to the house I am in currently to get her in a really good high school, in a really good neighborhood. As a parent isn't that what I am supposed to do? I want to satisfy my own whims and wishes, but I can't be that selfish. He seems to feel that my not moving right away is somehow because I don't love him. He is wrong. I am just trying to do what is best for my kid. He can't seem to understand that I have to put her needs above mine right now. As a parent, it is my responsibility to do that. Right? HELL YES, I would LOVE to be in Miami right now on the beach, in the sunshine. Instead I am stuck in Dallas with ice storms and 27 degree weather!! But can't he understand the sacrifices I am having to make right now. How can I help him understand that? He has a 4 year old daughter but because he is allowing a Nanny to raise her (he is a widower), he is able to come and go as he wishes. I don't chose to live that way. I have tried to convince him to move to Dallas and he contemplated it, but felt he couldn't live with the weather here and the expense of the airfare for him to travel to and from the Dominican Republic. He is by no means poor. He has tons of frequent flier miles and he has a best friend that freaking owns a jet...so it sounds like excuses to me.

I am tired of trying to change his mind and think about the positives of our relationship. I am tired of trying to justify my decisions to him. I am just plain ole tired. So it is over! Stick a fork in me cuz I am done!

DICK Chaney

2006-02-17T09:03:00.001-06:00

Okay anyone who knows me, knows I DON'T like Republicans. That doesn't mean that I always love Democrats either, but they are the lesser of two evils.

When Dick Chaney shot his friend and hunting buddy, I think he did the right thing by not reporting it to the media right away. What a lot of people have failed to understand is that his hunting buddy is no longer in the public life. Maybe he didn't want everyone to know what an idiot he was to walk in front of Chaney while they were hunting.How he didn't follow the rule of letting him know he was coming close to him ...announcing he was there far enough away. That is hunting 101. I used to go hunting with my grandfather and he always emphasized that. No I didn't shot Bambi! Just a few pheasant, quail and rabbits. Okay that is another blog! lol

Anyway, the man in the hospital, has the right to privacy. I would not want the whole world knowing my medical condition. Can he just be recover without the whole world examining everything? What gives the media the feeling of entitlement that they are supposed to know about everything about everyone? Okay fine, report about Chaney shooting the man, but leave it at that. Did anyone ever think that maybe Chaney was thinking about his friend before the news broke to the world.? I don't see what the big deal was that he didn't report it right away. I accept his explanation of things...he wanted to make sure his friend was okay before he broke the news to anyone. That is a normal reaction. Look what happened when it did come out. There has been a media frenzy at that man's hospital. Who can rest when you know there is media mayhem going on? What if this man didn't want the world to know his medical history? I am sure he and his family felt pressured to disclose hs medical condition, but what about his HIPAA privacy rights? He deserves to be able to recuperate without media scrutiny.

People are upset that Chaney didn't make a statement about it right away. Did anyone think that maybe he was upset and had to compose himself first? Shooting someone accidentally is not a fun thing, especially when it is your friend.

I, in NO way support DICK and his policies, but in this situation, I do support his decision to make sure his friend was okay before "breaking" the story. I know I am going get flack from my friends in DC and Texas for this post. But I just want to believe the world isn't always full of evil politicians. I want to believe DICK and give him the benefit of the doubt. But mostly, I would like for the man in the hospital to be able to focus on getting well and not on the press hanging outside his hospital room!!

I'm Back!

2006-02-04T13:32:00.000-06:00

After a long hiatus, I am back! After the New Year arrived, I realized I needed to make some major changes in my life. So I took a break to make that happen. I will try to blog more often.

Lata for now!!

Books

2005-12-30T15:44:00.000-06:00

Most people who know me know that I am obsessed with books and reading. I have a library in my house. Lately, I hadn't felt like reading much. Nothing has appealed to me lately. I wanted something that would take away me away, if just for a little while, from my sadness and misery.

I was wondering around Barnes and Noble, hoping that I would find a book that at least peaked my interest. I read everything from non fiction, historial, romance, "regular fiction" and the almight "Chick Lit". I used to spend about $100 a month on books. That is a lot of dayum books. During my wondering around I found a book that I decided to read. I feel incomplete when I leave B&N without a book.

Don't laugh at me but the book I picked up was a good one. Maybe I didn't expect much and that is why it was so good. Okay here it is...TA DA!

The Pregnancy Test
I really liked this book. It was funny, sexy, and very light reading. I didn't really have to think about anything other than I wished life could be like this. It is about a 20 something chica that gets pregnant by a 40 something man. He basically abandons her to be pregnant alone. Don't fret! She comes out of it good. It gives one hope that there are really men out there like the one she meets after she finds out she is pregnant.

If you want a no brainer book to read, pick up this one! I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I was so upset Shelley Halima's new book, Los Morenos, didn't come out as scheduled! I mean man that was so mean of her publisher to make us wait until November for the book When November rolls around they say ummm opps it is really January 2006! I mean can a sista just get a good book to read now?

I am also waiting for Mary Castillo to come out with her sequel to "Hot Tamara"!

Hurry, Mary, Hurry!!

This is torture!!

It is official

2005-12-24T11:19:00.000-06:00

No more chemo! Yay for me! I was about to call it quits anyway and just give up when my oncologist said I didn't have to come back anymore for chemo. I have to go every month for a year to get blood work done, but , hopefully it won't detect anything.

This year has been a tough one for me physically and emotionally. Hopefully the New Year will be better for me and my family.

Porn Star Name

2005-12-16T18:09:00.000-06:00

Your Porn Star Name Is...

Little Miss Muff

What's" Your Porn Star Name?

Sorry I had to throw this one in for the day. It is too funny! I don't know what that means but it doesn't sound good.

What Martini are you?

2005-12-16T17:41:00.000-06:00

My really good friends know I am a funny drunk. I typically fall down or laugh at the stupiest stuff. I thought this one was fun because because I have just come back from learning how to make some really fun Cuban drinks. I am typically a rum drinker but enjoy a martini every now and then.
CHEERS!!

You Are a Dirty Martini

You are a sexy, sometimes belligerent, over the top drunk.
You tend to get in a lot of trouble. When you drink, there are no rules.

You should never: Drink in the company of strangers. Seriously.

Your ideal party: Is so good you black out in the middle of it.

Your drinking soulmates: Those with a Margarita Martini personality.

Your drinking rivals: Those with an Orange Martini personality

What Flavor Martini Are You?

Biopsy Results

2005-12-09T18:57:00.000-06:00

I got my biopsy results today. Drumroll please...........
They were negative. No cancer cells, just a benign growth. I have a lot of those these days. I am told it is perfectly ok to leave it alone and it should shrink on its own. So we will see about that.

I am on chemo already so it makes me feel better that I don't have to add more toxins to my toxic waste site.I am just ready for it to all be over with. I go to my oncologist next week so we will see if I have to keep on going.

Maybe it will all be over soon!

Biopsy

2005-12-05T17:46:00.000-06:00

Okay I have been sufficiently humiliated enough for one life time. I had my breast biopsy. Of course, I have to get exposed and have more strangers feeling up my boobs. I had it done. First, the radiologist didn't numb me up properly and seemed to be upset when she took the sample and I protested in pain. They took 4 samples and each time was worse than the other.

I took the day off from work and dayum am I glad I did. I went home with a throbbing teta, and not the good kind of throbbing either. I felt like my chest was en fuego! After all that pain, I know the treatment can't be much better.

Oh well waiting for the results!

Ice Cream

2005-12-02T19:24:00.000-06:00

You Are The Godfather Ice Cream

Someone crosses you, and they'll end up with a scoop of this in their bed

What Flavor Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Are You?

I love ice cream! And wouldn't you know I am the GODFATHER! Hell yeah that's me!! :)

LIFE SUCKS!

2005-12-01T12:08:00.000-06:00

Typically I try to be positive about the goings on in my life but today I just can't do it. My life sucks right now. About a month ago I found a lump in my breast with a huge bruise around it. Okay, so I go see my MD and she says let's do a mammogram. Can I just add that I am ALREADY on freaking CHEMO?!! I go have the mammogram and ultrasound done.

First, let me say this...having a mammogram can be a humiliating thing when you have big boobs. They slap your stuff all around in the machines like it isn't attached to you. Then they smash it, until it is flat. PAINFUL!! I know it is a necessary thing but man can you invent a different way of screening? I don't want to discourage any of you women out there from getting one done but be aware of what happens.

After I have the mammogram and ultrasound, this perky radiologist comes out and says, "Well you have some pre-cancerous cells in there,but we need to do a biopsy to make sure. But we don't do that here." WHAT?! Okay so now I have precancerous cells in my teta and you can't do the biopsy here?? I call the insurance company and they are so mixed up they can't understand this is a new "cancer" problem! Dealing with insurance companies is a freaking workout...AND I am a Benefits Manager!!

So finally I got my biopsy approved and found a place that can do it, but wait...I have to WAIT 2 weeks before they can get me in to do it! I AM A FREAKING TIME BOMB HERE PEOPLE!! I need help NOW not two weeks from now. I could be loosing valuable time. But alas, they didn't care to hear that and it made no difference. My biopsy is scheduled for 12/5/05. So I ask my current oncologist if I have to do a different kind of chemo if I have breast cancer. She tells me, "Well, let's see what it is first." I don't want to hear that. I want to know what my options are so I can make plans or not be taken by surprise. Is that asking too much?

Pray for me people, cuz I don't know how much more of this I can take in one life time!!

More than Words

2005-11-28T19:27:00.000-06:00

Watch Video:

MORE THAN WORDS (Frankie J)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

Tonight my Boo told me that I am unemotional and unfeeling. My words mean nothing anymore to him. Not that I can say anything more to him than I alread have. He says that his problems are greater than mine. How do you put a measurement on our feelings, whether it is for each other or anything else. I don't know why he can't understand how I feel right now. But I guess he can't comprehend the pain and grief I am feeling right now. It is to the point that I can't "feel" for anyone right now. I am moving through my day to day activities as though I am sleep walking. How can I make him understand that? I am ALWAYS there for him; he has been there for me too, but I need a little more patience from him. I think this song says it all right now, for both of us.

Christmas lights

2005-11-28T18:44:00.000-06:00

After much badgering by my kid, I decided to go ahead and put up our Christmas lights on our house. Can I just say that was a freaking WORKOUT?! I forgot I needed to cut the hedges in front of my house before I could put the lights on them. I finally get them up before it started raining.
So here are a few pictures of the lights in front of my house. By the way, I didn't take the pictures. LOL

Happy Holidays!

Is it Christmas time already?

2005-11-27T12:26:00.000-06:00

Is it Christmas already? Man, I am just recovering financially from last Christmas!! My daughter has given me her list already. Between my parents and myself, she will probably get most of what she wants. Of course at the top of the list is an iPod! Hell, I want a dayum iPod myself. But she will probably get the cheaper, Creative Zen MP3 instead. It holds as many songs and it has a FM radio, so she will get over it.

Since this is our first Christmas in "our" house, she wants to put up Christmas lights outside the house. I haven't done this since I was a teenager and then it was with my dad making me do it. I guess it hasn't changed for me, only this time it is my kid "making" me do it. I usually love Christmas, but this year I am not feeling it. I am still devestated that my grandmother won't be here with us. Thanksgiving sucked for me because I was crying the whole day. She was supposed to be here with us. It didn't feel right. I guess I will have to get used to it being this way. It just seems like everything is so commercial now. I try to get my daughter to understand why we have Christmas but it is a moot point when there are presents involved.

I am hoping I can cope with this holiday season! Ay Dios!

Music I am feeling right now

2005-11-27T09:43:00.000-06:00

Watch Video:

DON'T FORGET ABOUT US (Mariah Carey)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

I am really feeling this song these days. This song brings up memories of my first love, who became my husband when I was 17. Those days seem so long ago. Mariah is so right that your first love is always your strongest. You compare all future loves to them, good or bad. It can be a bit potent. My first love and I were together from the time I was 13 until I was 24, married at 17. Thinking back I was so dumb to get married so young, but love cannot be denied sometimes. I don't regret anything about that time in my life, other than wishing my husband hadn't been in the military and hadn't been killed in Desert Storm. The Bush family has really destroyed my family as well as others. Oh well, that is another posting.

Enjoy Mariah!

How Much is your Blog worth?

2005-11-19T11:54:00.000-06:00

My blog is worth $4,516.32.
How much is your blog worth?

Dayum, that is all it is worth?? lol

10 Things about Me...That I recently discovered

2005-11-19T11:29:00.000-06:00

I've been tagged by my boy Envizable. Sorry, I am late doing this but I have been busy this week.

10 Things about Me...that I recently discovered:

1. I am a lot stronger than I thought I was...emotionally and physically
2. I have turned into my mother and that is NOT a GOOD THING!
3. I am a decent parent to my kid
4. I don't love easily and don't allow myself to be loved
5. I LOVE traveling, any and everywhere
6. I am obessed with reading and the INTERNET
7. I have some awesome Internet friends
8. I have become more tolerant of stupidity than I used to be
9. I am not a good judge of character with others
10. I can say NO without feeling guilty about it.

My Life as a Movie

2005-11-19T11:24:00.000-06:00

The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times.
Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness!

Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

You know, I didn't like any of those movies. LOL

Quick Get away!

2005-11-17T23:47:00.000-06:00

I had to take a break from my life for a minute, so I took a day trip to Washington, DC. I went to a party, I guess you could call it that, teaching how to make Cuban drinks. I know, it seems crazy to fly in someplace for 2 nights and a day, just to get away, but I did. My grief for my grandmother is at times overwhelming and I feel like I can't cope sometimes. The chemotherapy sucks, not as bad as before, but sucks none the less. I know, I know...I am not supposed to be drinking alcohol on chemotherapy. Shit, I was good al the other times and look where I ended up. So what is a little fun a minute. I felt like I needed to do this. So I flew in to DC on Tuesday night (11.15.05), went to the "party" on Wednesday night (11.16.05) and returned home on Thursday (11.17.05) at 8 am in the morning and I went to work on Thursday...with a hangover but I went.

The party was a lot of fun. It was heald at a Cuban restaurant called Yuca. I attended with mi amiga Grouchy. I can always count on her to partake in my wild activities from time to time. It is great to have a friend to do that is willing to do that with me. We learned how to make, I think, about 6 different drinks. After the first 3, I was drunk. My favorite drink of the night was the St. Lucia. Let me see if I can remember what was in it. There is Coconut Rum (They suggested Captain Parrot, but I am all about Cruzian flavored rums), Midori, Pineapple juice, and Sours. This drink was delicious. I kept sucking them down.
Check out the photos from the night!

Marissa taking a sip
The drink Menu at Yuca

VIVA CUBA!

Love

2005-11-11T19:02:00.000-06:00

Your Heart Is Orange

Love equals unbridled happiness for you. You enjoy the wild ride of falling in love.
And while the ride is fun for a while, you always get off once the thrill is gone.

Your flirting style: Hyper

Your lucky first date: Anything you need your passport for!

Your dream lover: Is both daring and well grounded

What you bring to relationships: Energy

What Color Heart Do You Have?

Love...what a small word for a powerful sentiment, massive feeling, STRONG emotion. I love being in love. It is the only time you feel powerful, confident, strong! Yet, vulnerable and small at times.

I have a soulmate. The other half of myself. We have been together 3 years. Living in different parts of the country. Coming together when we can, when we have the NEED to be together. Loving each other when we are together with a consuming passion that knows no boundaries. Fighting with each other, hurting each other with that same passion, but yet, knowing we can't be apart for long. Coming together again with that same uncontrolled need for each other. No, not always sex but just the need to be together with each other, touch each other, just together.

Love...what more can you say about it?!

What does your Birthday Mean?

2005-11-08T21:59:00.000-06:00

Your Birthdate: July 23

You're not good at any one thing, and that's the problem.
You're good at so much - you never know what to do.
Change is in your blood, and you don't stick to much for long.
You are destined for a life of travel and fun.

Your strength: Your likeability

Your weakness: You never feel satisfied

Your power color: Bright yellow

Your power symbol: Asterisk

Your power month: May

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

How are you in Love?

2005-11-07T15:07:00.000-06:00

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You give and take equally in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Undies!!

2005-11-07T15:02:00.000-06:00

What Your Underwear Says About You

You enjoy wearing nice underwear, even if it comes at a hefty price tag.

You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.

The Underwear Oracle

Mean Girl

2005-11-07T10:14:00.000-06:00

I got this from my girl Karla. She always has fun stuff on her blog!

Regina George

I am sooooo not this bitch! lol Umm did I answer the questions right?? This quiz is just WRONG! lol

Which Mean Girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Halloween

2005-10-31T19:43:00.000-06:00

To say I like Halloween is an understatement of sorts. A lot of my friends don't participate in Halloween activities because of the thought that it is celebrating evil. In Catholic Doctrine, Halloween came about as all Hallow's eve(All Soul's Day), which is a MAJOR holy day and precursor to All Saints Day (Nov 1). On All Soul's Day, you pray for the dead and their souls, so if they are in Purgatory (the space between heaven and hell), they will go to heaven because of our prayers and pentence for them.

So all Soul's Day is a day of prayer and repentance for Catholics. According to my catechism classes, you dress up as the person who died to celebrate their lives and pray for them. Of course, American's had to commercialize it and make it into a day of making money instead of what it really is, a day of prayer for your dearly departed. I buy into the part of the commercialization by dressing up in costumes and passing out candy, well eating the candy I am supposed to be passing out. I love seeing the kids dressed up in their costumes and parading about the neighborhood asking for treats. It provides an opportunity to pretend to be something fun for the day.

This me having fun in my costume

This year Halloween took on a new meaning for me. I prayed for by abuela who passed away and prayed that she will help me to not grieve so much for her, to not miss her so much. It hasn't worked yet, but I am hoping it will soon.

Who am I?

2005-10-23T19:40:00.000-05:00

I swiped this from my girl, Reese, who swipped it from her girl Dez.

You Are Most Like Miranda!

While you've had your fair share of romance, men don't come first

Guys are a distant third to your friends and career.

And this independence *is* attractive to some men, in measured doses.

Remember that if you imagine the best outcome, it might just happen.

Romantic prediction: Someone from your past is waiting to reconnect...

But you'll have to think of him differently, if you want things to work.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You Most Like?
Take This Quiz Right Now!

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

I thought I was Samantha, but I guess not.

Grief

2005-10-18T21:30:00.000-05:00

Over the past few days I have experienced a grief that words cannot describe. My wonderful abuela died on October 13th. I feel like a piece of me has been ripped from my body and lays bleeding on the ground. I have never known such sorrow, such anguish. One minute she is there, the next she isn't. I don't know...I just feel like there are times I can't stand being in my own skin because I miss her so much. I feel such anger that other people have their grandparents there but mine is gone. It sounds so ridiculous as I write this, but it is the way I feel.

People have been calling me to tell me how sorry they are for my loss and I truly appreciate that. But, I feel like a wound that has the scab torn off with each word they say. They talk about their memories of her and what a great person she was...past tense...was...and I feel like screaming, "Please, you are killing me with each word!" It all sounds so selfish and petty. This has all felt like a dream, really a nightmare. I keep expecting to hear her voice calling out to me to bring her a pop. Or she and my daughter screaming at each other. It used to drive me crazy, man do I want to hear that now.

My abuela was a wonderful person. Of course not without her faults, but who of us don't have faults. But overall, she was a very caring, loving, and generous person. I will miss her overwhelmingly so, with EVERY fiber of my being.

Nana I love you and will cherish your memory throughout my life!

What Personality am I?

2005-10-09T20:40:00.000-05:00

I got this from my chica Karla

Kim took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Defiantly opposes any sort of restriction or oppos..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Office Space Character

2005-10-09T20:31:00.000-05:00

I got this quiz from my girl Reese.

You are "the Bobs".

You are basically in a position of power. With the
ability to fire people at will, you can make
them do almost anything you want. Like forcing
someone to lie about their true feelings for
adult contemporary artists.

Which Office Space Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

My Grandmother

2005-10-08T18:49:00.000-05:00

When I wrote my previous posts about grandmothers it was prior to my grandmother becoming ill. How ironic is that? For the past 5 days my abuela has been fighting for her life. She has been in and out of the hospital for the past 3 months. She goes in and she comes back out. This week has been different. I have come to the shocking realization that she is not going to live forever. In the back of my mind I thought she would be with me always. I don't think she is coming out of the hospital this time. As much as I want her to, I don't think she is. She has Congestive Heart Failure, Ephysema, and now they have found tumors in her abdomen.

She has been with me for all the majors in my life. First communion, first dance, first cotillion, wedding day, birth of my baby....every first she has been there. She taught me how to ride my bicycle. My parents didn't have time. When I sent the summer in New Orleans she told them to bring my bike. They did and she taught me how to ride it. She didn't get on the side and run like most of my friends' parents did. She talked me through it. She said, " Okay mi amor, you are going to get on the bike, balance it and then pedel as fast as you can." Why is it I can remember that like it happened yesterday. She is always the one that "talks me through things." Sometimes I take her advice and sometimes I didn't. It was the times I didn't that I wished I had. We yell and scream at each other and say mean things to each other but we LOVE each other just as passionately. She was always the one I could turn to in my times of need. She showed me how strong I could be but at the same time supported me in anyway she could.

What am I going to do when she is not there anymore? It so strange to try to think about her not being there. I stood in my shower, sobbing because it hit me that she is going to die. I feel like a piece of me is dying with her. I haven't been dealing with this very well. My own illness is playing a part in why I am not handling this so well.

I have been trying to find a way to say goodbye to her, but I don't think I can. I don't think I ever will. I know I have to think with my head not not my heart, but how do you turn your heart off when you are dealing with someone you love? I have decide to just enjoy everyday I can with her and be happy with the 38 years I have had her in my life. But, I am lonely for her already.

Greg Louganis

2005-10-07T23:56:00.000-05:00

When I was a wee girl, I watched the 1976 Olympics. This was a significant year because it was the bicentennial of our country and the year Greg Louganis won the USA's first gold medal in diving. That was the year I had my first crush. I wanted to marry Greg. He was the MAN for me. He was so beautiful. He had the body of a Greek god. The washboard stomach, the muscles the full package. He was the diver I ever seen that wasn't Russian or Chinese. I knew I wanted him.

I know he is gay, but the 9 year old in me doesn't care. He still is poetry in motion on the diving board.

Grandmothers

2005-09-30T22:28:00.000-05:00

Today I met my friend's grandma. She invited me over to meet her mom and grandma and to share a meal with them. This friend has turned out to be a God-send but that is another blog

When I walked in and met "Granny", I felt like I was looking in my grandmother's face. Granny was feisty and fun and didn't bite her tongue in any way. She was loving and demanding; the type of demanding that comes with age and wisdom. I felt like I was talking to my grandmother.

Talking with Granny made me realize all grandmothers are they same, no matter what the race. They all think they know what is best for you, sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. They feel they can say ANYTHING to you about you and your life. It isn't important if your feelings are hurt or not; they are telling you because it is for "your own good, M'ija!". Those are universal words.

So give your grandmother a big hug today and tell her you love her!

It's Over for Now

2005-09-25T21:18:00.000-05:00

Well I had my surgery on Friday. I survived. I am at home and doing quite well. They took out a 4 pound tumor from my body, 10 centimenters around and they did it laproscopically. The wonders of medicine. It was a benign tumor that started out on my kidney and spread to the muscles on the right side of my back. He was able to keep my kidney and prevent me from being paralyzed. It wasn't cancerous so that is good news, but I still have to have chemotherapy for 3 months. I still hate the fact that I have to have chemo, but it is better than getting a death sentance.

I have to say my oncology surgeon is a hottie. He came from Houston just to do my surgery. He told me that I sent Hurricane Rita to Houston just to make sure he showed up for the surgery. This type of humor put me at ease. The fact that he is GUAPO had absolutely nothing to do with it. I love him! He made me no promises, but gave me hope when I thought there was none.

My boo came from Miami to the hospital and has not left my side. He is always the type to put his job before anything. So let's just say it was a surprise, a VERY pleasant, surprise for me nonetheless. He has been like a rock; my champion when I was having difficulty after the surgery. I thought he wasn't the type I could depend on, but he proved me wrong. Hey Karla, I think the DR men are better!

So it is on to chemotherapy next week. So it is on to hair loss, puking, diarrhea and fatigue. Ain't life WONDERFUL!

Music

2005-09-22T10:57:00.000-05:00

Okay...have you ever just LOVED a song so much but you DO NOT know the name of it? Well, I am loving this one reggaeton song, but I can't figure out the name of it. And of course they play it on a brand new station here that doesn't have a DJ yet. I have become obsessed with this song. The only part I know is "Mejor que yo". That is ALL I know. It has a fast beat and then it slows down.

I am appealing to all my Latino people out there...WHAT IS THE NAME OF THAT DAYUM SONG?!

Response to Reese about New Orleans

2005-09-20T11:48:00.000-05:00

I wanted to respond to my girl Reese regarding her comments on New Orleans. Reese, have you ever lived there? Have you ever been there when there wasn't a festival or some major convention happening? I have. I lived there for 2 years, so I know what it is like to be there day after day. If you haven't, then you don't KNOW the real New Orleans. You CANNOT go by what you have seen on TV the past few weeks.

New Orleans has survived hundreds of hurricanes since it has been in existance and there was no reason to believe it wouldn't survive this one. The government for whatever reason decided not to spend the needed money to reinforce the levees that surround the city, but that is neither here nor there. It is where it is and I hope it stays. I just hope they decide to build the levees stronger. Every city has poverty and crime and New Orleans isn't any different. In my previous post, I was mourning for the city that I know/knew and love, not discussing the socioeconmics of the city. I could go into the politics of the city, but I won't. It is difficult for someone from the "North" to understand the thoughts and outlook of the people from the "South". We may seem oppressed and out of touch with the progressive ways of the "North", but we like it that way. "Seem" being the operational word.

Reese, yes I hope New Orleans is able to rebuild and be a better city, but I hope in the process that it doesn't lose its "essence" and if that includes poverty and crime then so be it. Washington, DC has the highest division of socio-economic differences, with very little "middle ground", so you should look in your own backyard first for changes. By the way, Miami has a HIGH crime rate too, but you were willing to move there, so you need to give New Orleans a break.

I love New Orleans the way it was and I am mourning for my city that I love and KNOW very well!

New Orleans

2005-09-17T22:57:00.000-05:00

Hurricane Katrina from space

It has taken me a while to talk about what has happened in New Orleans. I have truly been in shock and dismayed by what has happened there. My grandparents used to live there and my grandmother still owns the house there, so New Orleans has very special meaning for me. I have been deeply saddened and upset by it all. I think the media showed too much of what was going on there, but me, like many other people, was glued to the TV. I would sob every time they would show the streets where I played with my cousins as a kid, the streets where I watched my first Mardi Gras Parades, the place where I got married to young, had my first job as a nurse at Charity Hospital, and the streets where I had my first alcoholic drink. Yes, I rank my first alcoholic beverage right up there with all my significant firsts! I remember every Sunday was brunch, beignets, hot chocolate and cafe au laits after Mass. Cafe du Monde, a sidewalk cafe reminisant of a Parisian cafe, has survived many a hurricane. Will it survive this one? My heart breaks everytime I think about it. The memories running through my head like a movie. I can't stop them and I don't really want to because that might be all I have left of the city I love so much.

What happened to the city that held so much joy for me? Right after Hurricane Katrina, I was worried about my family members that are still there. Some had left town on Saturday, but most stayed behind because they thought they could "ride" it out. No word from them for days. What scary moments those were. My grand uncle, who is 76 years old, walked the 80 miles from New Orleans to Baton Rouge, with his family. He refused to go to the Superdome, which I am so glad he refused, after hearing all the vicious things that occurred there. He said that if he survived World War II, he was going to be damned if he died in a Hurricane. He always kept 5 or 6 backpacks filled with MREs, water, flashlights, and first aid kits. Everyone laughed at him, but who is laughing now?! He survived, he and his family. No one really thought this hurricane would be a bad one. They thought it would be like all the hurricanes before. But Katrina surprised us all.

All of my family survived and are in safe places, but I think about those that didn't. I have some disappointment with the response of the government, but not overwhelming anger. I am pissed that they didn't carry out the disaster plan they created, specifically with New Orleans in mind. Why didn't they?! It was all outlined what needed to happen. Isn't it better to be safe than sorry, like we all are now? What was the point of doing all those exercises and drills? Was it a waste of tax payer money and volunteer time? I am beginning to think so. It makes me wonder are we safe from the so called terrorists. All that planning, will it be a waste of time should another September 11 occur?
Here are some pictures of my favorite places in New Orleans, that hold my fondest memories.

Bourbon Street

Natchez Riverboat on the Mississippi River

St.Louis Cathedral in the Vieux Carre

Super Dome

I pray that it can get back to it's former glory and distinction. I have plenty more Mardi Gras Parades, Jazz Festivals and Bayou Classics to attention. I LOVE YOU NEW ORLEANS!!

It will be okay!

2005-09-16T23:35:00.000-05:00

My surgery has been rescheduled for Friday, September 23rd. The pain is killing me. The tumor on my kidney has attached itself on the nerves and muscles in my back. So, I have the possibility of being paralyzed also. Supposedly it is a day surgery with an overnight hospital stay. Then the next week will be the beginning of chemotherapy. It is a bit scary...well hell... a lot scary! I am trying REALLY hard to believe it will all be okay. It really isn't the surgery that scares me; it is AFTER surgery. I HATE chemo. To me, it is worse than the disease. The puking, the hair falling out, the dry, crazy looking skin, looking like death walking. I HATE being sick, feeling bad all the time. Is it worth it? It is all crappy! Then I am told I may have to do radiation therapy too. What da F?? Oh man, that in itself is enough to make me say forget it. I will take my chances. But I know I have to do everything I can to make it. I have a kid to finish raising, so I have to face my fears and do what I have to do.
It will be okay!

Miami Pics

2005-09-11T17:30:00.000-05:00

Here are some of the pics from my Miami trip back in August. I had so much fun. It was so relaxing and refreshing. I am trying to plan the next trip. October/November is looking good to me.

Sailing This picture makes me wish I could be on that boat sailing away

Ocean Breezes My beach chair and umbrella kept the breezes coming

Grouchy's Pretend Baby This was the cutest little girl ever

View from my hotel room Fountainbleu Hotel...I will be back soon

Grouchy in a smiley moment No she isn't topless!

Me taking a nip of Mango Rum on the Beach...The good stuff...Cruzan

Our pretend house in Miami...I will have one of those for real one day!

I'M BACK...AGAIN!!

2005-09-11T17:12:00.000-05:00

Okay. I finally broke down and purchased a new desktop computer. My laptop is still messed up, but I needed something to get online!

I am doing good. I am staying positive and trying to be hopeful. Houston wasn't so bad. I am going to have to have surgery to remove the tumor. Then it is chemo again. I wasn't given much hope, but at least this doctor is willing to try.

All of this is going to take place the first week in October. So be thinking about me on October 5th.

Tupac

2005-08-29T09:48:00.000-05:00

Most of my friends know about my obsession with Tupac Shakur. When I am tipsy, oh hell, let's just say drunk...I listen to his Greatest Hits CD continuously. Needless to say I have to rap to the pieces that I know.

Today, I decided to listen to his CD on my way to work. I usually don't because I get angry and then I will be a pissed off sista all day at work. But today was different. I was listening to "Keep Your Head Up" and I started sobbing in my car. It was like he was talking directly to me. I have heard this song I know a million times but it was like today was the first time I really "heard" the words. I feel like I have been struggling for so long. Now things are soooo much better for me, financially and emotionally, and here I am "sick" again. But today Tupac was telling me to stay strong and don't give up.

I was depressed most of the weekend. Feeling sorry for myself and my situation. I felt like why should I keep fighting, when it may or may not work. I think the anxiety of not knowing "what" they are going to do when I go to Houston and then what will happen when I come back home is starting to get to me. I am usually not this pessimistic but this time I am having a hard time dealing with it all.

But I am going to try to do as Tupac says...Keep my head up and keep going even when I am knocked down.

Karla Got me AGAIN!!

2005-08-25T16:44:00.000-05:00

Seven Things I…Plan to Do Before I Die: This one is a little bittersweet
1.) Travel to Cuba to walk where my grandparents walked before me
2.) Hang with the Original Sucias from the retreat again(You know who you are), including Karla, Trina and Shelley
3.) Meet Ann Richards
4.) Have a decent conversation with my mother
5.) Stop working but still have money to live on
6.) Own a House
7.) Be on South Beach when I close my eyes for the final time

Things I Can Do:
1.) Cook
2.) Not talk for hours
3.) Sew and knit...anything crafty
4.) Dance
5.) Listen to my friends' problems
6.) LOVE easily
7.) CARE TOO MUCH at times

Things I Can’t Do:
1.) Ask for help when I need it
2.) Live without my cell phone
3.) Keep a big balance in my checking account
4.) Hang up curtains in my house
5.) Say no to my daughter
6.) Drive Slow - I have a lead foot
7.) Live without my computer

Things I say most:
1.) That sucks
2.) Shit
3.) the F word
4.) Whatever man
5.) YEAH MAN!!
6.) GEEZ!!
7.) GURRRRLLLL PUHLEEZE

Now I tag Shelley, Tannia, Gloria, and Daashar

Something about me

2005-08-25T16:05:00.000-05:00

Since I have depressed everyone in the Blog world...I thought I would put up something fun today. I will be putting up my Miami pictures as soon as I get to a computer that works in my house. I still don't have my laptop working, but that is another blog!

Here is a little something about me:

1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A SECOND HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
Hmmm .... It is hard to decide but I am going to go for Miami...It is international feeling without being out of the USA.

2. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
Anything baggy.

3. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT?
Emancipation of Mimi!! I am LOVING that CD

4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
I don't sleep! But when I do, 6:30 am

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?
Adventures in Babysitting and Clueless

6. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Guitar

7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
Purple

8. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV?
SUV - RANGE ROVER!!

9. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE?
Sometimes

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK?
Chicken Little...You know..."The sky is falling, the sky is falling!!" LMAO

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Spring/Summer

12. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Lie detector power

13. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?
I had a partial tattoo of a butterfly but I had it taken off. That is how all my problems started!

14. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
If you are talking about objects, NO...but if you are talking about time, YES

15. THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO?My husband, Rod

16. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
Saturday

17. SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
Hey I am from Texas, so it is definitely HAMBURGER

18. FAVORITE FLOWER?
Daisies

19. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
YES!!

20. WHAT WOULD BE YOUR DREAM JOB?
Having enough money to not HAVE to work any kind of JOB!!

21. FAVORITE MEAL?
Fried Chicken, Mashed potatos and green beans

Now I tag Gloria, Grouchy, Jo, Karla, Shelley, Tannia, and Reese. And Reese you HAVE to tag someone!! lol

Besos Mis amigas!

Untitled!!

2005-08-24T12:14:00.000-05:00

Here is the latest on me. I just spoke to my oncologist and she has decided to send me to Houston to the M.D.Anderson Cancer Center. The problem is that she does know what kind I have and MD is better equipped to take care of me. I will be going there on next Friday to see what kind of treatment they can provide.

I am going to have to fly back and forth from Dallas to Houston, which will be a pain in the A**, but I will get some good frequent flyer miles. :) I can plan my next beach trip.

So let's hope they can give me something more positive news. Chemo is worse than the disease itself. It is an awful process and I hope I don't have to do it again, but I guess I will if they recommend it. I guess I am getting ahead of myself.

I will just wait and see what happens next.

Trip to Regroup

2005-08-22T14:35:00.000-05:00

I am in sunny Miami right now. I came here on Friday night. I had been planning this trip for about a month. But as I got my bad news about my...and I can't even say it...I decided to take this trip as a way to regroup and refresh myself to get ready for the battle I know I have coming up.

I went to go see my guy, who lives there, but he had to go on a last minute trip to Spain. Grouchy was in Miami and we just hung out together. Each of us with our own personal battles to deal with. But is was nice to be there with a friend.

As I sat on the beach earlier this morning, I thought how beautiful this place is, how revitalizing it can be. The ocean is so healing. It makes me feel like anything is possible when I look at the beauty of the ocean. I will post pictures later.

I am getting ready to head back to Texas and my life there, but it is GREAT to forget about your problems around the ocean.

Karla, girl, I didn't see any good men in MIA this time, but I am going to keep looking for you. LMAO...I am going to find you a nice Cubano, in exchange for your GUAPO primo! LOL.

Back to the real world and my life.

It's back

2005-08-19T09:39:00.000-05:00

Well I have discovered I have a different tumor growing inside of me this time. This time it can't be treated. No chemo, no radiation, no surgery. So I sit here in shock but also a bit resigned to my fate. I have been through 4 1/2 years of chemo, off and on, go into remission and then out again.

I am not afraid for me, but for my daughter, who really needs me now. I feel cheated. I am going to try to make our time together as wonderful as possible. I am going to try to fight as long as I can, but I am really TIRED!

I want to cry but I know crying will not solve anything or make IT go away...so I am resolved to make my time left as memorable as possible.

I'm It AGAIN!!!

2005-08-18T14:45:00.000-05:00

"List ten songs you are currently digging....it doesn't matter what genre, or if they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists and the tens songs on your Blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to."

I don't know if I can think of Ten Songs...

1. Ivy Queen and Nina Sky's collabo ---don't know the name of it. lol
2. La Cama Voy - Ivy Queen-- I don't know if that is the correct title. LOL
3. La Tortura - Shakira
4. No me dejes solo- Daddy Yankee
5. Say Somethin' - Mariah Carey and Snoop Dogg
6. Gin n Juice - Snoop Dogg --- sorry I had to go old school on you. :)
7. Ocean Ave - Yellow Card
8. Sunday Morning - Maroon 5
9. Dear Mama - Tupac Shakur
10. Will and Jada's song together - don't know the name lol

I tag Marissa, Emile, Shelley, and Michael. I think everyone else has been tagged. :)

Growing up

2005-08-17T10:55:00.000-05:00

I have a 14 year old daughter who started high school this week. This has been a scary time for both me and her. For her, it is meeting new people, making friends, the "differentness" of high school. For me, it is her meeting new people (getting in with the wrong crowd), can she handle the stress/peer pressure, and her not needing me as much as she used to. She has also been home schooled for the past 6 months, so it is getting back into a more structured environment. I realized that the baby I held in my arms 14 1/2 years ago is, indeed, growing up.

It is so hard as a parent to let go. I know I have to but it is killing me. I am a control freak anyway so that makes things worse. I gave her a task to change a class on her schedule. I was a nervous wreak that she wouldn't do it right. I tried not to "drill" it into her, but of course I did. I asked her if she wanted me to go in with her and her response was "if you want to." That cracked my heart. I wanted her to say, "yes! please help me!" I resisted going in with her. She called me later and said she did it with no problems. *sigh*...it is ending so soon.

She and I have a good relationship. She pretty much tells me everything, but I am afraid that will end with high school. There is so much loss going on during this time. It makes me think that my "parenting/training" time for her is ending soon. I am just not sure that I like this time period. I think I have done a good job so far, but my biggest fear is that she will be hurt at some point in time. Whether it is by a "boy", or friends, I don't want her to feel the hurt and pain that sometimes comes with relationships. I know I can't protect her from life's trials and hardships all the time and she needs the pain to learn from, but I don't like it!

Well I guess I need to get over it because I can't stop her from growing up, but I sure wish I could slow it down a bit.

Tag! You are IT!

2005-08-12T14:43:00.000-05:00

It appears I have been tagged by mi amiga Marissa, so I am forced to answer these questions.

What were you doing 5yrs ago? I just moved back from Washington, DC to Dallas after a BAD breakup and started working for Wyndham International.

Yesterday? Trying to cope with my everyday BS

5 snacks I enjoy? COOKIES, Guacamole, any kind of chips, almonds, ICE CREAM (Dulce de leche)!

5 songs I know all the words to? Bidi Bidi Bom Bom and No Me Queda Mas (Selena), Hero (Mariah Carey), Ben (Michael Jackson), and Crush on You (Jets). Don't laugh, I LOVED The Jets!Sorry I am dating myself there. LMAO

5 things I'd do with a million dollars? QUIT work and tell them to kiss my fat, black ass (opps got carried away there), Buy a nice house, buy my Range Rover, and take some nice vacations/trips

5 bad habits I have? Overeating, stressing over small stuff, tuning people out, cursing (I have a mouth like a sailor), and not hugging my kid enough.

5 favorite TV shows? Nip/Tuck, Kevin Hill, Gilmore Girls, ER, and CSI Miami

5 biggest joys of the moment? What moment? If you mean now, at this time...knowing I am getting off in an hour and 45mins, payday, my daughter and my friends.

5 favorite toys? Is that a naughty question (lmao)? ummm no toys if it is! I don't have any! lmao. But I have to say my Wifi, my PDA, my notebook computer, my DSL internet and my NEW CAR!!

Okay I tag Shelley and Tannia! Your turn ladies! lmao

Computers

2005-08-04T12:05:00.000-05:00

Well, my trusty laptop has no more energy left. I haven't been able to get online from home the last week and 1/2. The battery for my laptop won't charge up anymore so I have been without a computer and internet. Now I have already established I am an internet addict, so you know I have NOT been happy.

I have a Dell computer. Dell's are very good computers, but I have had constant problems with my AC cord and my battery for my laptop. I have found out that my particular laptop has been discontinued, even though it is only 2 years old. To replace the battery costs almost as much as a new computer. I have also found out that Dell's computers are put together with parts made in different places. I know most computers are made that way but I think this is a MAJOR flaw in Dell computers. I am not sure if they have made the pieces "fit" well together.

So I am trying to determine if I am going to buy a new laptop or just buy the battery for the one that I have already. I have to make up my mind soon because I can't stand not having my computer. Toshiba is looking good to me right about now!

Pensamientos

Alexandre

Books!

Parenting

Random day

Music

Much Ado

Memorial Day

Rev Jeremiah Wright, Obama's pastor

My Job in a new light

I have lost my mind!!

Okay this is getting ugly!

Parents

Babies

Knitting again

Dominican Hairdressers

Work!

No child left behind...Are they sure about that?!

Friendship Knitting

Politics

Tribute to my friend

An Additional C.L.I.F.

*** C.I.L.F.****

Knitting Loca

Christmas 2007

Is it Christmas time already??!!!

Old Navy

Amazing!

UNEMPLOYMENT!!

Phoenix, AZ

New Obsession

Life Lessons

Work

Music

Customer Service a LOST art?!

I'm IT!! 7 Random things about me!!!

40 and on vacation

40 - the new middle age??!!

MY FIRST HOUSE!!!

Been Away for awhile

Weight Loss and BIRTHDAYS!!

FIFA World Cup

What kind of Car am I??

I'm a Chevrolet Corvette!

Guess who's Back?!

Immigration - Part II

Immigration

LOVE IS...

Vacation

Cuban Feet

Quince

The US Gulf Coast

Olympics

It's Over

DICK Chaney

I'm Back!

Books

It is official

Porn Star Name

What Martini are you?

Biopsy Results

Biopsy

Ice Cream

LIFE SUCKS!

More than Words

Watch Video:

Christmas lights

Is it Christmas time already?

Music I am feeling right now

Watch Video:

How Much is your Blog worth?

10 Things about Me...That I recently discovered

My Life as a Movie

Quick Get away!

Love

What does your Birthday Mean?

How are you in Love?

Undies!!

Mean Girl

Halloween

* C.I.L.F.**